COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 36

LONDON, HERE I AM!

I lost my breath when I'm standing in front of the entrance for boarding, the writing "LONDON" suddenly appears in the large list of the upcoming departures.
I'm a nervous wreck, I have too many mixed emotions right now, and I feel like I'm suffocating. I try in vain to swallow a bit of saliva but my throat is so dry that it's even difficult for me to speak.
Seeing a flow of people running impatiently around me to catch a plane doesn't improve the situation and as I am in total panic I get stuck right here, in the middle of the room, looking for the strength to barely move my legs.
I'm sure and I'm happy!
I may be one of those people, but at the same time I'd like to turn around and get as far away from here as possible. I'd like to hold Nick's hand and run to our hiding spot in Central Park, the one next to the little sapling full of purple flowers.
I cast these thoughts away and my eyes rest on the huge window that reflects every single part of the plane I have to take. Meanwhile one of the many flight attendants asks through the microphone to carefully check the tickets before embarking, so I look in the front pocket of my bag for my passport, ID card and finally the ticket, from there I understand how expensive it was. I look up when my father indicates a more luxurious entrance than the one next to me.
<< First class? >> I say turning to him.
I<< t's your mother's fault. >> he giggles.
<< Of course. >> I say between laughs.
My plan to confuse me with others is already failing. Thank you mom, you always make it easy!
<< You'll certainly succeed. >> Nick says, reading my thoughts.
<< I wouldn't be so sure, even if I understand you. Surely at the Royal there will be the best of the best of all England...>> my father continues.
<< And I'll bring the best of New York. >> I say joking , drawing with trembling hands an invisible halo above my head.
<< If not of all America! > Nick screams.
His words resound throughout most of the airport and in fact I have all the eyes on me while my father laughs out loud, I find myself following him in less than a second.
<< More than anything else there will be very wealthy, we can say all the children "musicians' of the greatest English families...>>
<< Can't say I wasn't born and raised in a wealthy family, I guess it won't be that complicated. >> I reply immediately with playful tone. Dad, on the contrary, shakes his head with thinking.
<< Honey, you know you've never been forced to be what you're not in our family. Not even from your mother. >>
I can't say anything about it, it's true they never forced me but I always felt I had to be perfect, more for what I thought was the best for all of us.
But after Leonard and all the disaster that came with him, I can't and I can't pretend anymore, and I'm leaving for that. I'm also aware that once I'll reveal my name everyone will recognize me but I also know that I will do everything in my power to make known the real Emma and not what I thought I was since I was just a kid.
The real Emma Hamilton, but first I have to find her. This thought keeps hammering my head...
Once I get back to reality I notice that my best friend and my father are staring at me, waiting for my answer.
Nick whispers to me with his lips to cancel my mind and remain calm, I just nod immediately.
<< Yeah, I know. I'll do my best, Dad. >> I say all in one breath.
The vibration of his phone that is coming from his pocket is always more insistent and when he notices it he's forced to check the main screen, but once done he refuses the call without blinking an eye.
<< Absurd, this person has to ruin everything. > my father swears in a whisper.
<< No problem, go ahead. Maybe I have a few minutes and I can keep the plane waiting, I think it's one of the many privileges of the "rich". >> I say in a sweet tone to reassure him.
<< "Rich", but please! >> he repeats to low voice while showing me a grimace of fake pain.
It's been a long time since I've seen him so stressed and anxious, and yet with the work he does, he should almost always be, but his sudden mood swings are only taking place these last few days. This person trying to steal his agent must be very persistent!
<< Not at all. It's not even worth my time, and then you're always more important than any deal, or anyone. >>
I smile for him to show agreement, but my smile disappears the moment I hear the voice of before that warns the passengers of my flight to approach the boarding.
The lady in front of the entrance for the first-class people is dressed in a more elegant way than her colleague and is more fluent in gestures when she indicates the direction to the passengers in front of her.
I place my hand on my chest, right above the heart.
I have to adjust my pulse, I can't have a tachycardia before I leave, I refuse.
<< I can't believe my baby's leaving. >> dad says, sobbing.
My God, my father crying?! I think it only happened once in the past, when my mother arranged a surprise trip to their wedding anniversary years ago. I can't bear to see him crying, at least not for that. It's also rather strange and...embarrassing.
<< Mom's rubbing off on us, we're all becoming crybabies. >>>
<< Can I run away with you? > dad exclaims by making fake steps towards boarding.
<< Henry, with all due respect, you wouldn't even live a minute without Theresa.>> Nick replies with conviction, tilting his head in the direction of my father.
True, it would be the beginning of the apocalypse.
<< Sure, but now I'm an emotional man. She's making me swallow female hormones secretly>>
<< I think it's a good sign if you've become like this! > Nick answers him.
We stare at him confused, not knowing where he's going with it.
<< If she makes you like this it means that she's the right woman...>> he murmurs looking for my eyes for a moment.
You can't tell me these things right now that I'm leaving, it's a torture. And above all, he can't say that after what we've been through, we can't afford to make it any more complicated than it already is. I'm sure he thinks I don't care, but it's the only way to keep him from hurting, to keep me from hurting. I'm forced to put up my "cold" armor and try to pretend, so I look away and he does the same. I wonder if we were thinking the same thing...
<< I have no doubt about that, man . > My father confirms without a second thought.
The voice calls back for the last time passengers to the UK so I quickly pick up my bags and we head to my front door.
It's time to start the journey. I thought it would be easier, but with time running out, it gets harder and harder, and I didn't realize how terrible it can be until I'm facing this moment.
Nick makes sure that every suitcase is perfectly closed, and my father welcomes me in his arms. I already miss the thought of not getting his hugs for a while. I have to stay strong until Thanksgiving, I have to make it.
My hands squeeze his shoulders and once they meet I push him towards my chest in an attempt to keep him closer to me for as long as we have left.
<< I'm not gonna say to you the speech that your mother said during these past days, you know I'm not like that. I can ask only one favor...>> he whispers in my ear.
I walk away to look him in the face, he has his serious and worried look, the usual when he has to tell me something of extreme importance.
<< Keep your eyes open and be careful who appears in front of you, ignore strangers and don't believe what people say to you. >>
<< All right, that's enough. >> I whisper annoyingly, holding him for an arm.
<< Emma, listen to me...>>
No dad, no "Emma" today. You've been like this since I confessed to you the idea of wanting to move to London. What are you hiding from me? >>
He lowers his eyes for a moment but immediately resumes a more serene and calm attitude.
<< These are only recommendations. >>
<< I don't believe you. What's going on? >>
<< Nothing, I promise. I'm just not used to the idea that you're going to the other side of the world. I want you to be aware also of the risks. >>>
I lay a finger on his chin to lift him up and see his face better, he seems calm.
And then he promised me, he'd never promise anything he knows he can't say or do.
<< Is that all? Is this what you wanted to tell me? Are you sure? >> I ask for the last time.
He gently moves my hair behind both ears and his cheeks turns red and swollen as he drafts a smile.
<< Sure, now I'll say goodbye, I don't want you to miss your flight. It's okay, I know you'll be great. Oh! Last thing I remind you is to change your money as soon as you arrive, just in case. Call me later, when you land, okay? >>
I smile at him as best I can.
<< And if the nightmares get worse, I'm yours every hour of the day. > he murmurs me.
I nod, unable to respond, and I embrace him just for one more second.
<< I love you so much, Dad. I'll be fine, it's a promise. >> I murmur on the back of his neck.
<< I know, because you're my daughter. I love you. >> he says as he walks away, leaving half a meter between me and Nick.
<< I'll be in the car. >> my father tells, patting him on the chest and meanwhile he barely turns back to the stairs leading to the airport exit.
I look again at Nick, he's staring at the floor and constantly swinging back and forth with his feet. His Adam's apple moves up and down and his fingers intertwine and soon after they detach with those of his other hand, they slip between them because they are sweaty. Is it because it's too hot? Or because he feels the same pain that I'm feeling now?
I need to breathe, I feel suffocated even more than before. I turn my head to get a handkerchief from the other pocket of my backpack to dry my forehead. Once I've taken it, I turn to Nick again, but I jump and scream when I find him closer to me, closer to my chest, closer to my face, closer to my lips. I don't have the strength to move.
<< Damn it, Nick! >> I exclaim laughing. A few moments later I recover from the hysterical giggle and start talking again. I have to say something.
<< you almost scared me...>>
<< This wasn't the reaction I was expecting. >> he says as he folds to pick up the handkerchief that I just dropped.
I will miss that hoarse voice, the words that come out of his perfect lips and I will miss especially when he has to give me one of his long speeches and must necessarily wet them with saliva so that they can't be dry. These are small details that I can only imagine while talking to him on the phone.
I could use Skype just like Mom and Dad do. Wait, what did my dad tell me this morning about this? Oh no, I don't want to.
Why my father always tells me everything about his relationship with my mother?!
<< And not even to bring down this silence. >>
<< Sorry, I was...>>
<< Thinking? >> he finishes the sentence for me.
He finally looks at me with his big eyes, I can see myself in that light green. I stare at them charmed so I can print them in my mind.
<< True. >> I sigh.
<< As always. >> he giggles as an answer to my statement.
<< Still correct. >>
He touches my waist with his hand and suddenly grabs it and brings me closer to his torso, leaving me breathless. My eyes stare at his chest as he rises and lowers as I feel his eyes on me.
My hands grab his shoulders to keep my balance, but I know for a fact he'll catch me on the fly, so I wouldn't risk that much.
Yet with him I always feel like I'm falling into something stronger than myself, something I can't control. And I don't really get along with the things I don't control, or at least I did before.
So many questions, I have to stop, I'm getting paranoid.
<< First rule for the new Emma? >> Nick whispers over my forehead.
I look at him disoriented, I concentrate on the expressions of his face and finally I raise my eyebrows to invite him to give me a suggestion.
Reading my indirect question he approaches my mouth, right under my nose.
<< Stop thinking. Don't ask too many questions, just act. >>
Acting? If I had to choose now I would know exactly what to do and its closeness is not helping me to be rational. If I'm willing to decide to listen your advice, I would cancel those few millimeters between us.
The new Emma would? Now I just know that I don't want to think anymore and I want to act, like you said. Tomorrow or in a few minutes I will feel guilty but I need it. You take me to do this. You want it, I want it. Now or never.
I slide my hand behind his nape, find strands of his hair and grab them even closer his face to mine, making understand my intentions to him. He gives me his consent by smiling. Our noses touch and I'm one step away from pressing my lips to his.
Or at least that's what I thought until I hear his phone ringing from his pocket, ruining the moment.
A sign of fate? No, it's a sign that I'm a loser.
"Just act" my ass!
<< I'm sorry, it might be my mother who sent me a message, she wasn't feeling very well this morning. >> he snorts and swears quietly.
<< Answer her, actually I'll write to her , I would like to say goodbye before leaving! >> I say trying to grab his phone.
<< No wait, she's not my mother. > Nick says quickly.
But it's too late, my eyes rest on the screen and read the text of the message several times.