COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 14

RESEARCH

I've been in front of my computer since lunch hour, searching for some singing school.
I tried looking for something in some cities, but none of them convinced me.
London has always fascinated me.
When I was little, I always secretly opened the drawers of my father's desk and looked at all his photos of when he lived there as a child or when he was my age.
I don't know why he refuses to let us see them. He doesn't even want to talk about his family and when I ask for more information he always answers me "I have no one."
Paul never had the courage to ask anything, because my father's reaction on this subject frightens him.
I'm curious instead.
How strange! And then his look yesterday, when I revealed my intention to go to London, something is wrong.
I keep scrolling through some sites. There are so many great schools here.
The Royal College of Music seems very interesting, I stop on their website.
It offers many possibilities and courses that I can do for sure.
There's also the faculty of composition! Excellent program for performers and a perfect and very detailed course to enter in a orchestra.
Nick would be perfect in that field, he would be the envy of every student.
Here you could be happy, we could have seen each day, we could have had coffee and gossip about the strange habits of teachers.
Don't even think about it Emma.
He'll stay here and go to Juilliard.
It's his place.
The ringtone of the phone distracts me from my thoughts.
Nick, finally!
But no, of course. Just a message from Leo.
What the hell does he want?

"We won , I scored the decisive touchdown and in that moment I thought of you.
I miss you. Forgive me."

Oh sure, today there was the last football game, what time is it?
Nine o'clock in the evening?! Already?!
Damn, time goes by when you have to decide your future.
Anyway he could think about his new little toy called Sasha.
I immediately delete the message before he'll make me nauseous for his falsehood.
<< Royal College of Music, huh? >> says my father sitting next to me.
How long has he been here?
<< Yes not bad, is it? > I answer by pointing at the computer.
<< You would be one of the best there, I have no doubts. You're just like...>>
He freezes. What a serious face!
<< Like who? >>
After an interminable silence he decides to responds
<< Your mother, you're ambitious as she is. >>
That's true, I think.
My mom is the CEO of a big publishing company and promotes, among a lot of books, my dad's works. I mean, the perfect couple.
<< I tried so hard to be like her, but I can't. Look at me! >> I say pointing me from head to toe.
<< I'm looking at you and I see a beautiful girl looking for her own way, like everyone else. And believe me, your mom isn't perfect and neither am I. You're perfect in your own way.
I am very proud of you and I will always be there for you. >> he answers looking me straight in the eye.
<< And I'm of you, I love you dad. >>
He makes one of his rare shy smiles and changes the subject.
<< Do you think to call them to get an interview? >>
<< I'll think about it but I think it's a yes. I've already fallen in love with this place. >>
<< Good. >> he answers by getting up to go away.
<< Just be careful once
you'll be there. >>
Be careful?
<< Dad you know me. Don't worry , it's just London.
What could be so scary? >>
<< I didn't mean the city... >> he whispers and then leaves without giving me time to answer.
What does that even mean? Perhaps it's one of the typical recommendations of the parents. Probably.
A few minutes later I am already in my pajamas and ready to go to sleep.

I'm crossing a dark path, as always I see nothing. I wander in absolute nothingness accompanied by the shadow.
She will guide me to the light, I have faith in her.
We walk for a while, there's no way out.
The shadow stops in front of me and doesn't let me pass.
I want to go away, please.
I see someone behind his back.
<< Nick? Let me out of here, take me with you! >>
He doesn't answer me, just look at the shadow. Look at me! Let's go away!
He smiles and takes her by the hand, they keep walking together, without me.
I can't move.
I call him, no answer.
Finally he turns to me and says the words I fear most in the world.
<< You disappoint me. >>
He laughs in front of my face and reaches the shadow.
I'm alone.
<< NICK! >> I call him again.
He's gone.
Come back to me.

<< NICK! >> I scream as I snap out of bed.
I'm at home. Nightmare.
This was one of the ugliest I've ever done.
I never dreamed of Nick.
He left me alone.
I'm sweating, I need to calm down.
Without thinking too much I grab the phone and immediately dial his number but then I realize that it's five in the morning.
It's late, he's probably asleep.
I decide to let it go, I go back to bed and try to sleep for a while.
In a few hours I have to prepare for the graduation ceremony.
Enough for today, please.
I want to sleep.