COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 9

EMMA HAMILTON

After a long reflection on my future, I’ve reached a single, inevitable conclusion.
The old Emma would have laughed in my face and told me to go get professional help. But she—the perfect girl, the one who always took the most obvious path in any situation—no longer exists. Someone destroyed her; she is no longer a part of me.
​I look at myself in the mirror. My body is the same, but my mind has been taken over by something stronger than I am. A new version of myself. And I can’t control it.
It’s in this exact moment that I realize my brain, my fucking mind, has always belonged to him.
It always belonged to Leo.
​His interest in me was a hollow act; he led me to make decisions that he had already premeditated. He exploited my love for him only to destroy me, like the grand finale of some goddamn drama. That was always his plan, and I feel a sense of relief having discovered what a vile person he is before he could turn me into his permanent puppet.
I look in the mirror again and repeat the same sentence to the person in front of me who looks so much like me: "Never again. Never allow anything like this again."
​From today on, I decide.
Me, and that’s it. It’s time to be the selfish person I’ve always wanted to be deep down. The girl from the romance novels, the typical cliché, is slowly fading away. And while that makes me confused, it also makes me feel more powerful than ever.
I’ve decided. This will be my choice. Getting away from New York is the right thing to do. I have to escape the old me and start a new life.
Far from everyone.
Far from that prick.
​My parents... this will destroy them. My mother will certainly be disappointed in me, my father will suffer and lose all control, and Paul will pretend not to care, but I know he’ll be losing a vital figure in his life. But I’ll always be there for him; wherever I choose to go, I’ll always be his meddling, annoying sister. They have to accept it. If they want what’s best for me, they have to.
​And Nick? He’ll lose his mind.
He is the one person who has always stayed by my side without a hidden motive. The most important person in my life...
I’m sure he would follow me to the ends of the earth.
Forget it, Emma—not a chance! He can’t throw away all his hard work. He dedicated himself day and night to get into Juilliard, and I know that school is his stepping stone to conquering this city. He deserves everything New York has to offer. He can’t leave, and I won’t allow it.
Yes, this could be my big break too, and I’m aware of that—but not now. Not in the state I’m in. I know this version of me won’t just disappear in a few months. Who I am now is permanent, and I know myself well enough to know this won’t change.
​I’m sorry, Mom and Dad.
I’m sorry, little brother.
I’m sorry, Nick.
Don’t hate me, but this is reality and I have to accept it. I won’t give up singing, but my future isn't here. I don’t know where yet, but it’s not here. Fate will decide the perfect place for me. I just have to find it.
​A few seconds later, I find myself calling the college administration office, hoping someone might answer at this hour. A few minutes later, I’ve canceled tomorrow’s audition and my enrollment at Juilliard forever. It was hard, but I know it’s the right thing for now.
​I’m certain Nick completely ignored my request to leave and is waiting for me in my room right now. He deserves to be the first to know my choice, so I gather my courage and step out of the bathroom. It’s time to face reality.
​As soon as I enter my room, Nick jumps up from the bed and rushes toward me, pelting me with questions.
"Hey! What took you so long? I thought about coming in anyway, at the risk of finding you completely naked! And that’s not like me. I was starting to get worried—what were you doing in there?"
​We are standing just millimeters apart.
I can’t look him in the eye.
No, Emma, stop being such a coward. You have to tell him. After what feels like an eternity, I meet his gaze and find my strength.
"Nick, I’m fine. Come, let’s sit down."
​Nick follows me, and we sit at the foot of my bed. Once we’re settled, I take a few deep breaths and let him relax for a second. Finally, I stare at him intensely, without looking away.
Go on, Emma. Now or never.
"We need to talk."