COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 9

EMMA HAMILTON

After a long reflection on my future I've come to a single conclusion.
The old Emma would have laughed at me and she would told me to go to hell or get someone to cure me.
But Emma, ​​the perfect girl, who takes the obvious path to any situation, no longer exists. Someone destroyed her and it's not part of me anymore.
I look my reflections in the mirror. My body is the same but my mind has been taken by someone stronger than me. A new version of myself and I can't control it.And just then I realize that my brain, my fucking mind has always been his.
My mind has always been of Leo. He showed me his fake interest in me, led me to make decisions premeditated by him. He took advantage of my love for him and then destroyed me with a great ending, like the one of a fucking dramatic movie.
This has always been his plan and I'm sp relieved to discovering the shitty person he is before he made me his complete puppet.
I look again in the mirror and I repeat to the person who looks so much like me the same identical phrase
"Never again. Never allow anything like this again "
From now on, I decide.
Me, and only ME.
It's time to be the selfish person that I always wanted to be. The novel girl, the typical cliché, is slowly disappearing.
And this makes me confused but at the same time powerful as never before.
I already decided. This will be my decision.
Go away from New York, it's the right thing.
I have to run away from the old me and start a new life.
Far from everyone. Far from that asshole.
My parents, this will destroy them. My mother will surely be disappointed in me and my father will completely lose controlw. Paul instead will pretend not to be interested but I know he will lose a very important figure in his life but I'll always be there for him.Wherever I decide to go, I will always be his annoying sister.
They must accept it. If they want my happiness  they must do it.
Nick, he'll lose his mind too.
The person who has always been close to me without a specific reason.
The most important person in my life. I'm sure he would follow me to the end of the world.
Forget it Emma, that's not gonna happen! He can't give up to his hard work.
He devoted himself day and night to entering at Juilliard and I know that this school can be his first step to conquer the city. He deserves all that New York can offer. He can't do it and I won't allow it.
Yes, it can also be my chance and I'm aware of that.
But not now, not with this state of mind and I know that all this will not disappear within a few months.
What I am now is definitive and I know myself enough to know that this will not change.
I'm sorry mom and dad.
I'm sorry, Paul .
I'm sorry, Nick.
Don't hate me.
That's the reality and I must accept it.
I will not give up on singing but my future is not here.
I don't know where, but not here.
I will decide which will be the perfect place for me.I just have to find it.
A few seconds later I find myself calling the secretary office and hoping that someone can answer at this hour of the night. 
Some minutes later I canceled tomorrow's audition and my registration at the Juilliard School forever.
It was hard. But I know it's the right thing for now.
I'm sure Nick had completely ignored my request to leave and he's already waiting for me in my room. He deserves to be the first to know my decision. So I take all the courage I have and I leave the bathroom.
It's time to face the reality.
As soon as I enter in my room, Nick gets out of my bed and comes towards me.
<< Hey! Why did you take so long? I thought about entering in here ,with the risk of finding you completely naked! And that's not my style. I was starting to worry, what were you doing in there? >>
We are a few millimeters away.
I can't look into his eyes.
" Stop being such a coward! " I repeat to myself.
You have to tell him.
After what seems like an eternity I meet his eyes and I take courage.
<< Nick, I'm fine. Come, let's sit down there. >>
Nick follows me and we sit at the base of my bed.
Once we sit down I take big breaths and I make him relax for a little. Then I stare at him intensely, without looking away.
Come on Emma! Now or never.
<< We need to talk. >>