COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 10

UNEXPECTED

"We need to talk" I repeat in my mind.
Nick opens his eyes wide and he paralyzed while he's hearing that words.
Maybe I exaggerated, I had to use other words.
Then why did I say it?! It's the typical code phrase that couples use to end a relationship.What an absurd thing, why do I think of these things?
Talk only means this...talk!
So why is he looking at me like that?Why this reaction? Will he have misunderstood the phrase? No, I don't think so.
We're not together, we've been friends since forever. There is only this, a very deep friendship. We have known each other since we were children!
Wait, why am I doubting it? Good, I'm freaking out now.
I have to stop thinking, it's distracting me from what I really need to do right now.
<< I know what you want to talk about. >>  Nick says in a whisper.
And how do he know? He heard me talking on the phone earlier?
Don't jump to conclusions like always. Just play it cool.
<< Yeah? And of what exactly? >> I answer.
Calm down, stay calm.
<< Your dreams or I dare to say nightmares. Those that you have been doing for almost two years and of which you have never said anything. I know you give a lot of meaning to what you dream about. I've never kept secrets from you and now I have to find out something like this from your father? I'll pretend not to be offended.
What is it about? >>
If only it were two years, if you only knew...
Nick, you made a big mistake. And you're even more wrong if you think I'm going to confess everything to you, especially RIGHT NOW.
How shameless!
His arrogant tone annoys me more and more. How can he dare to do me a lecture?! Since when have I been forced to tell anything in my life?
Alright he's my best friend but that doesn't mean I have to tell him every single thing that happens to me, especially not this.
Out of anger I get out of bed and walk back and forth through the whole room and decide to let out the bitch in me.
<< How dare you?! Being offended doesn't give you the right to know anything about my life! >>
I realize that my reaction surprises him because Nick gets up with a lightning bolt and raises his voice.
<< No, I have the right to know everything because I'm your best friend!  What's happening to you Emma?! I don't recognize you right now. It's me, remember? I know what happened upset you but you're talking to me. I would never judge you! I'm just worried about you, why don't you understand this? >>
You don't recognize me because I'm not the samevand after what I'll tell you I'll also confirm it. But maybe I was too impulsive and too bitchy. He doesn't deserve this.
Over the last two years, I've been trying so hard to avoid talking about my drwans. I've been able to talk to my dad about it and for now it's a miracle, but sometimes he should shut his mouth once in a while.
That's right, Nick, they're nightmares.
But you'll never know anything about it.
I try to calm myself, taking somebig breaths. I approach him and surprisingly embrace him tightly.
<< Yes, Nick. I know who you really are, and I'm proud of it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but right now you have to figure out why I can't tell you anything. Please, I can't. Maybe in the future but not today. Try to understand it. >>
It’s never gonna happen, but it’s the only way to lighten the situation now.
I notice that he's staring at me carefully. Not even the time to ask if he will ever forgive me that he hugs me again and I hear his wonderful laugh.
What a fantastic feeling!
Enough with the mushy thoughts! You have to tell him everything.
I fix a more serious tone I start to speak again.
<< So now I really need to tell you something and I want you to listen to me without interrupting me, because I know you're gonna try it.
Please, this is very important. And you have to know that nothing will change my mind. Promise me that you will understand. >>
<< Emma, what's goin...>>
<< Just promise me. >> I interrupt him.
He just nods.

I tell him everything. I tell him my intentions and what I decided to give up.I speak without stopping for one second to avoid letting up a flood of tears from my eyes, but Nick's reaction makes it almost impossible.
He goes further and further away from me, to the opposite side of the room. Despite this I see perfectly the tears that twist his face and I feel his breathless breath.
He doesn't look me in the eyes. He isn't looking for my gaze as he always does, indeed I understand that he is trying to avoid it.
He doesn't move. He stays there , in the darkest corner of my room.
The dark  please come away from there...
<< You have to understand Nick, please. It's the best thing right now, I have to to runaway from here. Tell me that you understand that. >>
I'm looking for a reaction, it doesn't come.
React Nick. Please.
He moves to the mot illuminate side of the room, where I can see him better. But it's still far from me.
I can't tolerate this situation soI decide to break this distance.
I take steps forward towards him.
No reaction.
I make others.
Nothing yet.
I'm in front of him now. I whisper his name and finally he looks at me.
I reach out my hand towards his face but with a fast gesture he clamps my arm.
<< No... >> he says with a strangled voice.
He rejected me. For the first time.
And this hurts. It hurts so much.
He goes away, again.
He turns his back on me and after a few seconds I hear him talking in a frenetic way.
<< How can you do this to yourself? How can you do this to me?! Everything you have reached, everything you are...>>
He stops to catch his breath and then he continues to speak.
<< You threw everything for a person who doesn't even deserve to be in your thoughts. That deserves nothing from you. You're killing yourself slowly and I can't allow that! >> he exclaims furious.
I've disappointed him. I see his pain, and it hurts.
I can't say anything, I keep looking at my hands.
I don't want to look at him, I don't want to see the reflection of myself in his eyes. I feel like crap but I have to let him know that I'm serious and that it's the best thing for me.
I have to do it.
<< Nick you know that Leo isn't the only reason for my decisions. I'm not the same anymore. I mean, look at me! I know you can see it. You know that's never gonna change and now I can't stay here pretending to be what I'm not anymore. I have to find myself and here it will never happen. >>
<< You are what you have always been. And don't you dare say that you are the perfect girl because you aren't, even if everyone says so. You are a normal girl who has their flaws and weaknesses, you are Emma. You are the girl who hates to see someone suffer.
Who would do anything to see me happy. The one that,when I discovered that my dad's health was getting worse, was with me all the nights talking and eating ice cream on the couch. That girl that on the day of his funeral held my hand and told me that everything would be better. You are this.
You are my best friend. And that will never change. >>
God, how much I adore him.
I stare him confused, I don't know what to say.
Am I this? No, of course.
I'm different now and that will not change.
<< I'm not like this anymore. I don't regret anything I've done with you, but I don't want you to see me like this every day. You'd hate me forever and how long would our friendship last? Months? Weeks? I don't want this. I need to get away. For the good of all, especially mine. Our friendship will not end, I can promise you this. But I have to go away from here, from this city. And you have to let me do this. >>
<< I will come with you wherever you want to go... >> he immediately responds in a whisper
He's so annoying!
<< No. You will not! >> I exclaim impatiently
<< I SAID I WILL COME WITH YOU! >> he screams in panic, getting closer to me.
He's a few millimeters from my face. What does he want to do?! I don’t have to give in.
<< Absolutely not! You will not give up everything you have worked for a lifetime. You're cr...>>
I can't even finish the sentence because his lips is already on mine and his hands hold my face.
What's going on?? We're kissing?!
"Emma get away from him right now!" my brain orders me.
But I can't move. My body is not responding.
I stop thinking, I put my arms behind his shoulders and keep kissing him.
He move his hands on my hips and he breaks out the short distance between us. He rips his lips from mine to catch a breath, and I already suffer the distance. After not even a second he starts kissing me again and I can finally breathe too.
I don't believe it. I'm kissing my best...
Wait.
My mind is back to torturing me.
MY BEST FRIEND.
Shit, shit, shit!
I regain my lucidity and I push him away with one hand. He stares at me, he looks for my reaction.
I'm shocked and terrified.
<< Oh god Nick, what are we doing?! >> I say out loud.
Nick has a frightened look and stutters.
<< I- I'm... >> he stutters, with a frightened and lost look in the void.
He doesn't finish the sentence.
Absolute silence.
Speak please, say something!
<< I have to go. >> he answers frantically.
He's running out of the room.
What?! Where is he going?!
Let's talk about it! What time is it? Three in the morning?!
I leave the room.
I hear him running in the stairs. I try to reach him but he's too fast.
<< Nick, wait! >> I say in an attempt to stop him, but he doesn't.
He slams the front door and leaves.
And now? What do I do?!
<< TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!>> my father shouts behind my back.
Paul tries to calm him down.
My mother cries.
Perfect, they heard everything...
What a mess!