COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 10

UNEXPECTED

​"We need to talk," I repeat in my mind.
Hearing those words, Nick’s eyes widen and he freezes.
God, great start. Maybe I overdid it; I should have used different words. Why did I say it? It’s the classic code phrase couples use to end a relationship. How absurd! Why am I even thinking about that? Talking just means... talking!
So why is he looking at me like this? Why this reaction? Could he have misinterpreted it? But why would he? We aren’t together; we’ve been friends for a lifetime. There is only this—a very deep friendship. We’ve known each other since we were children!
Wait, why am I even questioning it? Fine, I’m losing it. I have to stop thinking; it’s distracting me from what I actually have to do right now.
​"I know what you want to talk to me about," Nick says in a whisper.
And how could he know? Did he hear me on the phone earlier? Don't jump to conclusions like you always do. Act natural.
"Oh yeah? And what’s that?" I reply.
Stay calm.
​"Your dreams—I’d even dare to say nightmares. The ones you’ve been having for almost two years and never said a word about. I know you give a lot of meaning to what you dream. I’ve never had secrets from you, and now I have to find this out from your father? I’ll pretend not to be offended. What is it about?"
If only it were just two years... if only you knew.
Nick, you couldn't be more wrong. And you’re even more wrong if you think that right now I’m going to confess everything to you. The nerve!
His arrogant tone irritates me more and more. Since when am I forced to report every single thing that happens in my life? Sure, he’s my best friend, but that doesn't mean I have to tell him every detail, especially not this.
​Fueled by anger, I get up from the bed and pace back and forth across the room, deciding to let the "bitch" inside me take over.
"How dare you?! Feeling offended doesn't give you the right to know everything about my life!"
I notice my reaction startles him because Nick stands up with a lightning-fast motion and raises his voice.
"No, I have the right to know everything because I’m your best friend! What is happening to you, Emma? I don’t even recognize you right now. It’s me, remember? I know what happened to you was devastating, but you’re talking to me. I would never judge you! I’m just worried about you, why won't you understand that?"
​You don’t recognize me because I’m not the same person anymore, and after what I tell you, you’ll have your confirmation. But maybe I was too impulsive, too cruel. He doesn't deserve this, even if for two years I’ve tried to avoid talking about my dreams at all costs. It’s a miracle I managed to mention them to my father, who—by the way—needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.
You’re right, Nick. They are nightmares. But you will never know anything about them.
I return to reality and try to steady myself with deep breaths. I walk up to him and, surprisingly, I hug him.
"Yes, Nick. I know who you really are, and I’m proud of it. I’m sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but right now you have to try to understand why I can't tell you anything. Please, I can’t—I just can’t. Maybe one day, but not today. Try to understand."
It will never happen, but it’s the only way to diffuse the situation for now.
​I pull back just a few inches and notice him staring at me intensely. Before I can even wonder if he’ll forgive me, he hugs me again and I hear his wonderful laugh.
What a fantastic feeling!
Enough with the sappy thoughts; you have to tell him.
I adopt a more serious tone and start speaking again.
"Now I really have to tell you something, and I want you to listen to me without interrupting, because I know you’ll try. Please, this is very important. And you need to know that nothing can change my mind, so promise me you’ll understand."
"Emma, what is happen—"
"Promise me," I interrupt.
He simply nods.
​I tell him everything.
I reveal my intentions and what I’ve decided to give up. I talk without stopping for a single second to prevent an avalanche of tears from falling, but Nick’s reaction makes it almost impossible. With every word I say, he moves further and further away from me, until he’s on the opposite side of the room.
Despite the distance, I see the tears streaking his face and hear his ragged breathing. He doesn't look me in the eye; he doesn't seek my gaze as he always does. In fact, I realize he’s trying to avoid it. He doesn't move; he stays there in the darkest corner of my room.
The darkness... please, come away from there.
​"You have to understand, Nick. It’s the best thing right now. I need to escape from here. Tell me you understand."
I look for a reaction, but none comes.
React, Nick, please. He moves to the other, lit side of the room where I can see him better. But he is still far from me. I can’t bear this situation, so I decide to break the distance. I take steps toward him.
No reaction.
I take a few more.
Still nothing.
I am standing right in front of him now. I whisper his name and he finally looks at me. I reach a hand toward his face, but with a lightning-fast gesture, he blocks my arm.
"No..." he says, his voice choked.
He rejected me. For the first time ever. And it hurts—so much.
​He turns his back to me, and after a few seconds, I hear him speaking frantically.
"How can you do this to yourself? How can you do this to me?! Everything you’ve achieved, everything you are..."
He stops to catch his breath.
"You’ve thrown it all away for a person who doesn't even deserve to be in your thoughts, who deserves nothing from you. You’re killing yourself slowly, and I can't allow it!" he exclaims furiously.
I’ve let him down; I see his suffering. And it hurts.
​I can’t say anything; I keep looking at my hands. I don’t want to look at him; I don’t want to see the reflection of myself in his eyes. I feel like trash, but I have to make him understand that I’m serious and that this is the best thing for me. I have to do it.
"Nick, you know Leo isn't the only reason for this decision. I’m not the same person anymore—I mean, look at me! I know you see it too. You know this will never change, and I can't stay here pretending to be something I’m not anymore. I have to find myself, and that will never happen here."
"You are who you’ve always been! And don’t you dare say you’re the 'perfect girl,' because you aren’t, even if everyone else says so. You’re a normal girl who has her flaws and weaknesses just like anyone else. You are Emma. You’re the girl who hates to see someone suffer. Who would do anything just to see me happy. Who, when I found out my father’s health was failing, stayed with me almost every night talking and eating ice cream on my sofa. Who, on the day of his funeral, held my hand and kept telling me everything would be okay. You are that person. You are my best friend. And that will never change."
​God, I love him. I stare at him, confused, not knowing how to respond.
Am I that person? No, not right now.
"I’m not that person anymore, let's not kid ourselves. I don’t regret anything I’ve done for you, but I don't want you to see me like this every day. You would grow to hate me. And how long would our friendship last? Months? Weeks? I don’t want that. I need to get away. For everyone’s sake, and especially mine. Our relationship won’t end; I can promise you that. But I have to leave this city, and you have to let me go."
"I’ll come with you, wherever you want to go," he immediately whispers back.
He’s being impossible.
"No. You won’t!" I exclaim, losing my patience.
"I SAID I’M COMING WITH YOU!" he shouts in a panic, moving closer and closer to me.
​He is millimeters from my face; I’ve never seen him like this. What is he doing? I must not give in.
"Absolutely not! You aren’t going to give up everything you’ve worked for your whole life. You’re craz—"
I can’t finish the sentence because his mouth is already on mine and his hands are holding my face still.
What is happening? Are we kissing?!
"Emma, pull away from him right now!" my brain commands.
But I can’t move. My body doesn't respond. And I stop thinking. I rest my arms on his shoulders and continue to kiss him. He moves his hands to my hips and erases the little distance left between us. He pulls his lips from mine to catch his breath, and I already feel the pain of the distance—but not even a second later he starts kissing me again, and I can breathe once more.
​I don’t believe it. I’m kissing my best...
Wait.
My mind returns to torture me.
MY BEST FRIEND.
The reality hits me like a sledgehammer.
Shit, shit, shit!
Right then, I regain my clarity and push him away. He stares at me, looking for a reaction. I am shocked and terrified.
"My god, Nick, what are we doing?!" I exclaim out loud.
"I—I..." he stammers, with a look that is both frightened and lost.
He doesn't finish the sentence. Total silence.
Speak, say something!
"I have to go," he says frantically.
And he runs out of the room.
What?! Where is he going?
"Wait, let's talk!"
What time is it? Three in the morning?! I go out of the room. I hear him running down the stairs; I try to catch him, but he’s too fast.
"Nick, wait!" I say, trying to stop him, but he doesn't.
He slams the front door loudly and leaves.
And now? What do I do?!
​"TELL ME IT ISN'T TRUE!" my father shouts behind me.
Paul tries to calm him down. My mother is crying.
Damn it, they heard everything... What a mess!