scrapbook ☀ hood - 1D

11 - cleared air

The show was the longest show i've been in. I had to wait and take some pictures but even then I wasn't impressed with my work. I wasn't in to it. I wasn't all there. I had a distraction and that distraction was Calum. I couldn't get my mind off of what I would say or what would happen. I just sat and hoped everything would go smooth. I felt like I should apologize for all I had done and all the drama I caused.

This all wouldn't have really been a problem if I wasn't such a baby. I just couldn't help but feel insecure and that was the worst part. I knew I was fragile and I hate that people can walk over me without me realizing it. I was taking my anger with that, my hurt, and everything else that's happened out on Calum and the other boys for that matter.

I decided to leave the show early. I couldn't do anymore than I already had tonight. My pictures weren't improving I was just pressing a button tonight.

I went in and set my camera down. I paced the room for a little bit before I the got the guts to walk out into the hallway. The boys were probably watching the show so I had to go find them. I wanted to text one of them but I didn't want them to intrude on my plan. I need this to be private. Even if I knew they would give us privacy, I just felt the first one to know should be Calum. It's only fair.

I walked past their dressing room and to my surprise, I could hear their laughter. They weren't watching the show tonight.

I paced outside the room for a little bit and my stomach turned multiple times just thinking of talking to him.

As I finally told myself it would be okay and I moved my body to go it, another body moved out of the door and slammed into me.

The force was enough to push me back but I didn't fall or anything severe.

"Oh, god I'm so- Ester" Calum looked surprised "Hey, uh.. sorry.."

"It's okay, I was in the wa- Uh no I wasn't.." I hit my head and laughed "It's okay.. I'm just here beca- uh, what are yo- um.." I couldn't think straight with him staring at me. He had a stupid grin on his face and I couldn't concentrate.

"Can you talk right now" I leaned up against the wall and tried to calm my mind by focusing on the cold of the wall.

"You want to talk?" He looked surprised at my words.

"Yeah" I nodded "Is that okay with you?"

"That's uh.. yeah" he nodded and I smiled. He seemed just as nervous as I was so I relaxed a little bit. I just didn't know how well this was gonna go.

We started to walk down the halls to no where and we were both silent for a second.

"Look" We both said at the same time and then laughed.

"You first" We both said.

"This isn't happening" I added after.

"You go" he chuckled.

"I wanted to apologize" I told him "I was a jerk.. I shouldn't have acted the way I did for so long. I was just insecure about myself and I took it out on you and the boys. I have a lot to make up for."

"Ester, you don't have to apologize for anything!" He shook his head. "I shouldn't have made any promises I couldn't keep. I shouldn't have kept something that big from you.. especially when your best friend just left and put you through the same thing.. It's not that I wanted to protect you or spare your feelings.. It's the fact that I had to tell you I was leaving.. It was heartbreaking just thinking about it.. But I couldn't pass it up."

"I understand" I nodded "I'm such an idiot, Calum do you see what i've done!? I let my insecurities and my anger get in the way of the only friendships I've ever really had. I was overreacting and I missed out on a whole year of this amazing journey you've been on.. I just wish I could've been there for some of it to know how happy you were."

"I'm still happy.. happier now than ever" He looked at me "I missed you so much. I missed having a friend like you."

I'm glad he said that. I liked that we were friends. We were really good freinds before and I missed that. I wasn't sure how he still felt about me but I was sure there was nothing between us anymore. We were strictly friends and I was glad because that was one of the reasons I was so angry that he left. Even if he was just a friend I would still be angry, but it made it worse that he told me he loved me.

I wouldn't say I don't believe in love because I do but I don't believe it could happen to me especially at this age. I just don't feel like i'm ready for a serious relationship, especially with my work schedule. I don't have time for another person in my life.

"I really missed you too" I admitted.

"Really?" He looked up with big brown eyes like a five year old was just told he was receiving a cookie.

"I really did" I nodded "I missed you all, but mostly you... we became the closest after all." I nudged him.

"Look.. Ester, I want to clear things up... uh.... Do you still have feelings for me?" he asked. I widened my eyes at the question. I could ruin things if I say no and he still likes me, but what if he doesn't.

"Do you still have feelings for me?" I asked.

"I'm not even sure I know what that is at the moment.. I just don't have time for anything like that" He shrugged. I sighed in relief.

"Good" I nodded. "I mean.. not that it would have been a bad thing.. it's just.. neither do I.. My job is time consuming and I just don't see in in my schedule."

"You're so..." He chuckled, "Business-y now"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I looked at him.

"Let me guess... You are scheduled to get coffee at 6:30am and then be at your work by 7 a.m. and then you look at your day planner and see what work you have for the day. You probably have meetings and you wear a business suite"

"I work at a photography studio in LA not a cubical" I laughed "And what the hell are you talking about this baloney 6:30? I don't get up that early!"

"Sorry" He shrugged and laughed.

"I get my coffee at 7 and i'm in the office by 7:30. You clearly have it all wrong. And I don't have a day planner. I have a calander on my wall and it tells me who I'm scheduled to take pictures of that day."

"You basically just explained what I just said in different words." He looked at me.

"You were still wrong" I shrugged.

"You're still the same old Ester" He laughed.

"You bet your ass I am" I laughed "I'm just more... comfortable with myself now."

"I can tell. The somewhat new and improved Ester Murphy." He smiled "I like it."

"Hey, we should go tell the others that we're talking again." I told him.

We turned our path to nowhere around and headed toward the dressing room again. I hoped things don't stay tense. I want things to go back to the way they were. I don't want an awkward friendship with Calum.

"See any blood?" Luke whispered as we both walked in together.

"There will be once I break your nose" I threatened.

"Burn" Ashton said as he cupped his hand to his mouth.

"Wait but really.. are you two okay now?" Michael asked. Calum and I looked at each other and dog-piled on Michael. Ashton joined in and Luke laid on top.

We started to mess around just like before and the awkward tension between Calum and I no longer lingered. It was gone and things were back to normal. I had my four idiot best friends.

And that's the way I liked it.