Typical [L.P. + N.H. + A.I.]

8.4 - Lost - Path

Jess' POV

I wake up the next morning due to heavy pain in my head. I look around the unfamiliar bedroom, slowly recalling the unfortunate events of yesterday. I can't believe I let myself fall so far. I look at the time on my phone, it's 6:10 AM. Good, Liam should still be asleep. I'd better get out of here before he sees me. I can't face him, not after what I did yesterday!

I quickly get up, go to my own flat, shower and change and get out of here but not before I make sure to turn on the Airplane mode on my phone. I don't want anyone to be able to reach me.

For a while, I just ride the tube, aimlessly. Getting out at random stations for transit. Missing the natural sunlight, I decide to actually go somewhere. I don't know where. But I know I'm hungry, and I need something for the headache. I'm not sure where I am. I might not even be in the central city of London, I'm still in the area though. I walk aimlessly the streets waiting to see a pharmacy. After getting the necessary meds to relieve my headache, I enter a bakery that I came across. I got the food, the iced tea. I eat while walking cause I didn't feel like sitting in the shop, and when I'm done, I start feeling tired. But luckily, there's a park, and it looks beautiful!

I found a spot I like and sit on the first bench I see. It's early and midweek, so there's barely anyone here. Good. I don't feel like dealing with people!

I need this. I need places like this one. Open spaces, full of colourful trees, flowers, just nature in all its shapes and forms. Like a soul detox.

Things got so messy... I'm still processing how and why everything happened like that. But moving forward I have to change my attitude toward life. I need a plan. Starting tomorrow, I'm turning my life around. Starting with my flat, I'm gonna repaint the whole thing, and change all my furniture, and make it my own. I can't even stay there for more than an hour. Every little thing about it either reminds me of Ashton or Niall. So I have to get rid of everything. And I really don't want to move, because moving is so annoying. Okay, after that, I have to finish my book. The deadline for a first draft is fast approaching and I'm close to done, I just need to write the ending. I'm also gonna get my job back in the restaurant, or any other restaurants, just to make my mornings busy. So yeah. That's the plan for now!

See the thing is, everyone expects a happy ending. But real life isn't as forgiving and as kind as we'd like it to be. Sometimes, once in a while, the story has to have a sad ending. But why do endings have to be about getting the guy (or girl) or not? What if, I choose my own ending, shape it as I want it. I mean sure it's a romantic story. It's about love. But the story is more about the evolution of the characters, the lessons they've learned, the mistakes they did. Why can't it be about personal achievements?

I start writing in my notes for my story.

'How would you describe your last year?'

Really? Those quizzes are getting deeper and more difficult than I need them to be. I'm here to have fun and waste some time! Not to do a self retrospective on all the things I've done and whether they're right or wrong! Well, at least I have a list to choose from. Let's see.

Happy? I mean I had happy moments, does the good outway the bad? Both were very significant. So it's up to me, to I want to be optimistic or pessimistic today? Hmm, I don't have the energy for optimism today.

A time of growth? I mean, I definitely learned to be on my own and be responsible for myself. So yeah definitely.

What else, a time you regret? No. Definitely not. Even though it didn't work out with Nate, it was the best time of my life. And I wouldn't do anything to change that. I love him. I never wanted to admit it. I always like to play tough, especially in front of him, like yeah I don't care if you don't wanna be with me cause I don't wanna be with you either. Even though on the inside, I'm craving his touch, I'm dreaming about his kiss, I can't go a day without his cuddles.

I know he's my best friend, I know he loves me just as much as I love him. But we're cowards. Yep, that's what we are. There's no reason not to be together. Those are not reasons, those are excuses. Because we're too scared. But I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to give it a chance. But it's not just up to me. It has to be his decision too. But it's not a decision he's willing to make. So I'm moving on. I'm not gonna wait for him. Even though he likes to pretend that he's waiting for me.

I know, if it was anyone else, he wouldn't have done anything about it either. Because he's scared of making a commitment. Just because it hasn't been working out over his past few years. It doesn't mean that it's not gonna work out in the future one. He could be missing out on something special just because he doesn't want to take the leap. But I'm ready. I want to jump into the unknown, but I want to do it with him holding my hand and jumping along with me. It's not something he's willing to do.

I wonder if I should talk to Niall again. I miss him. But he clearly doesn't want to talk to me. The way he looked at me changed after I forcefully kissed him. Like he's disappointed or hurt. Ironically, he did the same thing to me months ago. Just before I met Ashton. I wonder if I had the same look in my eyes. But it's not the same... Since in both times, he's the one leaving. But the first time, I was the one asking for space, now he is. How can I know when is it okay to talk to him again?

He said he's distancing himself so that we won't lose each other. But I don't get it. Because I still feel like I lost him. I lost my best friend. I lost the first guy I've ever loved in my entire life! I still remember the day we went to that park and we started looking at the other couples and making up stories. I remember that day. I hadn't laughed so hard in a while that day. It was a good day. Probably one of my favourites. The first time he made my heart jump. The first time I wondered what it would be like to kiss him. I miss him. I need him right now. Only his hugs would make me feel better right now. I didn't get to have that back in LA after Ashton broke up with me.

Ashton... poor Ashton. He didn't deserve any of that. He's a nice guy. He just got wrapped into something... Something I didn't want to believe is right.

I hate to admit it. But losing Niall hurt more than losing Ashton. I can't really explain it. And it's really making me mad. But it's true.

I'm just so confused. I don't understand anything. And it's so frustrating.

Somehow my body is still capable of making tears. I bring my knees up hugging them as I rest my head on them, crying my eyes out yet again.

'Hello? I'm sorry miss, I don't mean to disturb you but... Are you okay? Do you need help?'

I wipe my tears before lifting my head up to look at the owner of the soft and soothing male voice talking to me, a complete stranger, and asking if I'm okay. I mean who does that?

'Jess?' He asks.

'Hi!'