Consumed: Always & Forever | Shawn Mendes |

15

Everything moved so quickly and I never second guessed myself.

It was something I was always good at to begin with.

Now here I am back home, our home.

Alone.

After my bath something in me clicked.

I waited to see how long it would take Shawn to come upstairs, when he texted me saying he would be going to a meeting with Andrew and Cez and he would be back as soon as he was done.

The decision was practically made for me.

I wiped the small tears that begged to come out and I booked me a one way flight out of UK back to Toronto.

I didn't leave a note, text or call I just did what I do best.

I left.

So now here I am laying in my bed alone holding my belly in my hands and looking over at mine and Shawn's wedding photo that stands on the side of his nightstand.

We looked so happy and in love, we were.

I mean we still are, it's just ...

I just feel like this should have been a no brainer for us to want to start this family the right way. Not having to balance his comeback or festival runs and me traveling beside him till I can't anymore.
I didn't want our son to be born in just some random country or state that didn't know anything about my pregnancy.

We should be nesting at this point in my pregnancy and as I looked around our condo I realized we were nowhere near that.

I didn't want to raise our kid in this condo, it held such beautiful memories for us and no so good ones.
This was HIS place before it was OURS and he had so many different memories before us.

I wanted us to start fresh and make new memories for our kid and maybe future kids, us as a family.

I walked into the spare bedroom that use to be his best friends room, that is supposed to be our sons room and I just looked at the light green painted walls, and boxes of unopened things for the baby.
The crib wasn't even built, only the changing station, and my rocking chair.

We had so much to do and make sure was done before our son came.

So I came back home, to do those things on my own.

Shawn was doing what he needed to do and loved, so since I'm practically not doing much with my body growing and me still trying to keep it a secret I declined a lot of endorsement deals.

My manager wasn't to happy but we came to a compromise, if I can do it all from home or in Toronto I would make it my best to do some of the deals that were persistent and affording huge amounts not that money was a problem but majority of it was Shawn's income.

I needed my fallback plan just Incase.

But for right now I just wanted to sleep In my own bed and forget about the last 48 hours and jet lag I am currently enduring.

I turned to the side and got comfortable with the pillows surrounding me and of course Shawn's shirt pressed to the side of my face as I nuzzled into it, imagining he was here with me.

Wishing he was here,

Wishing this was where he wanted to be,

Here with me and our unborn son.

But that wasn't the case.

We were two different worlds apart.

Mind, body and spirit.

I felt the silent tear roll down my cheek before I forced myself into a slumber.