"Hi guys it's been a while,"I said playing with my fingers, "I just want to come on here and say I'm sorry. I never gave you guys an explanation before leaving." I said shakily.
"I don't want to put my whole life out there just yet, but just know there was a lot going on and I needed time for myself. I'm better now which is why am here. Or I guess it's to help me feel better...I am officially coming back to YouTube."I said excitedly.
Even though I'm feeling the complete opposite right now.
"I love you guys and I always really appreciate the support, especially right now. Maybe I'll talk about what happened in another video but I'm still figuring it out myself. So, I'll see you guys soon I guess." I said winking at the camera before putting my hand over the lens and shutting it off.
I looked over the video one last time checking to see if I left something in there I didn't want.
The original video's about 30 minutes of me trying to figure out what I was going to say. But now, after editing it's about 5.
I waited for it to load on YouTube, using this extra time to think.
Is this something I really wanted to do?
I do owe them an explanation...
I clicked the post button. There's no going back now.
This was something I needed. Billie need this too.
I know that if I didn't do this I would end up overthinking things and running back to her. And I can't do that.
I want this video to reach all of my old fans. So I went onto Snapchat then Instagram and put a swipe up link to my video.
While I was on Instagram I saw that Billie posted something.
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Liked by others billieeilish If I'm not here to love you what am I here for Comments disabled...
I liked it out of habit, but then quickly unliked it, praying if I did it fast enough she'll never know. But that isn't how it works.
Shit, she's going to see that.
I went to her profile, careful not to get sucked in by her pictures, and unfollowed her.
It has to be this way or else I'll end up torturing myself.
—————
The video's been up for a few hours now
Okay, maybe I did get a little sucked in...sh.
I went to my tags and saw some people and fan accounts freaking out I was back, which made me smile.
