MY GIRLS| billie eilish|

Chapter 32

BILLIES POV

For the past few hours I've been just thinking about everything. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING: My feelings for Kat, my feelings for Brandon, where I stand between it all, what I should say, and if I should say anything at all.

I've decided to tell Kat everything I know, and only that.

I'll just let her know how I feel right now.

Even though I'm scared shitless, I'm more frightened of what will happen if I don't. She deserves to know how I feel. I'm not trying to hurt her, but I don't want to drag her along.

"Where are we going?" Kat says shaking me out of my thoughts

"You'll see" I say pulling her into the elevator

No words were spoken until we reached the stairwell

"Okay seriously, where are we going?"

"Shh" I reply with a smile as I drag her further, behind me

"Are we even allowed to be here?" Kat says with a giggle

ugh that giggle

no Billie control yourself

"It's fine c'mon, we're almost there"

I open the door and take Kat on the roof

I stand near the edge just taking in the view in silence. I glance over at Kat to see her doing the same. It's beautiful up here.

I turn towards her and grab her hands in mine, sitting her down next to me on a bench near by.

"Okay, so I have some things to tell you,"

"Okay.." she says with concern and confusion washed over her face

"And I just want you to hear me out first okay?"

"You're scaring me Bil"

"You have nothing to be scared about just listen okay" I say reassuring her

"Okay, go"

I tighten my grip on her hands," For starters, Kat I want you to know how much I love you and how much I value what we have, I never want to lose this," I say gesturing toward her and I, pulling her in for a kiss that I know I won't have for a long time after I say these things, " And for that reason, I'm going to tell you how I feel. You said you want the truth, so I'm going to tell you exactly that."

Kat nodded along listening intently.

"I told you there was nothing to worry about between Q and I, and that I loved you like crazy, which is all for the most part true."

"For the most part?"

"Just let me finish- I still love you as much as I have, I always will. But ever since he took that bullet for me and said all those things-"

"What things?"

"- I have been feeling stuck. Not like I have to choose or anything, but just stuck. He was the first guy I ever loved and I don't think that will ever go away, but I know I love you. And I know how much you mean to me. And for what I know right now, I just can't tell if it was everything that happened last night that's making me feel this way, or the chance he might not be here tomorrow. I just feel stuck." I looked up at Kat waiting for her reaction," You can talk now."

"Okay, from what I've seen Q took the bullet for you and the shock of him dying is just hitting everyone right now, and I completely understand you feeling this way, I just don't get why it would make you question what we have." she spoke