Niko & Dom - A Bedspacers Romance (SSPG - COMPLETE)

Chapter 20.2

Ilang oras akong nanatiling nakahiga sa sofa. Lahat na yata ng galaw ng mga butiki at bahay ng gagamba sa mga sulok ng kisame na-memorize ko na.

Jesus, I’m going insane!

Tumayo ako at kumuha ng isang beer sa refrigerator. Nilagok ko ng lampas sa kalahati at pagbalik ko sa sala, napadaan ako sa whole body mirror. I saw myself staring at the reflection of someone who is not me. A false image that I projected through the years and now is clearly haunting me.

I shouted at the image in the mirror. Cursing him and telling him to vanish. Then it hit me, he would never go away that easily. I must do something. Even a small step will be an astonishing achievement. I have Kuya Clarence at my side. By opening up myself, even that would makes me vulnerable is the only key. Ang kailangan ko lang gawin ay ang tanggapin sa sarili ko that I’m gay. The first person I must come out with is myself. Then I can come out to my brother and for sure he will truly understand.

I breathed deeply. Heads up, chin parallel to the floor I told the man in the mirror, “Hi me! I’m gay.”

Half hour past eleven in the evening dumating si Kuya Clarence. After changing to comfortable clothes, he took four bottles of beer, giving me a bottle and setting the other two on the table beside three bottles I emptied a few hours back. He took a few gulps on his beer before looking at me.

I turned off the TV playing the late night news so it won”t bother us.

“Kumusta ang trabaho?” sabi ko para bigyan siya ng senyales na handa na akong makipag-usap.

He gave me a slight smile. “Ayos lang. Ikaw, how are you feeling?”

I have been rehearsing all the things I want to say for several hours, but now I still find it difficult to voice them out. “Okay, okay na.” Suddenly felt the need for courage, I half emptied my beer.

Jesus, this is harder than I expected!

Kulang pa kaya tinungga ko ang natitira. Nakatingin lang sa akin si Kuya Clarence. He never even tried to stop me when I get another bottle and after opening, started drinking bottoms up, and then came the last bottle. I felt blood in my ears and my heart beating like a drum in my ribcage.

Sumandal ako sa sofa. Kita kong nakatingin lang siya sa akin, naghihintay ng sasabihin ko. Nang hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita as if my tongue was glued inside my mouth, I heard him say the words that lifted my butt.

“You’re gay right?”

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa narinig. My ego wanted to tell him ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’, but the real me longing to get out to him just nodded in confirmation. “Alam mo?”

Ngumiti siya. “Maybe I have known even before you did. Magkapatid nga tayo. Ganyan na ganyan ako dati. Isang case na beer na ang naiinom ko hindi ko pa rin masabi kina Mommy at Daddy that I’m gay,” sabi niya na biglang lumungkot ang tinig. “What took you so long to tell me?”

Huminga ako ng malalim but I was fuckingly relieved how this is going so far. “I don”t know, maybe I’m scared. Probably I have never outed to myself.”

“Not until now?”

“Yes.”

Ngumisi si Kuya Clarence. “Who’s the lucky guy? Si Dom ba?”

I felt blood rushing on my face adding to the redness from the beer. “Alam mo rin?”

“Hula lang. I heard you say that name when I was in the hospital and called for your help. ‘Hello Dom, you miss me?’ Iyon ang una mong bungad sa akin. Nang tumanggi ka, I decided to drop it dahil alam ko hindi ka pa ready to be true to yourself and I love you. Kapatid kita at ayokong mapressure ka at mapilitang ibulgar ang katotohanan ng hindi ka pa handa. Iyong mga tanong mo rin sa akin tungkol sa pag-come out ko that day gave me a hint that sooner you will consider coming out of your closet.”

Ngumiti ako, a relief flooded my heart. I have thought of all the negative things that might happen when I tell Kuya Clarence, it was not this less complicated as I expected. “Oo siya nga.”

“So what’s with the running thing all about this afternoon? Nag-away ba kayo?”

Umiling ako. Ikinuwento ko sa kaniya ang tungkol sa amin ni Dom, kay Cherryl, tungkol sa usapan namin ni Mommy at tungkol kay Jim skipping about the scandal picture and blackmail na sa tingin ko iyon ang dapat sa ngayon.

“Alam mo bang nag-alala ako sa iyo kanina nang tumawag ka. I remembered doing the same thing. Ang pagkakaiba lang tumakbo ka ng tumakbo samantalang ako I also run but stopped at the first flyover bridge. Umakyat ako sa taas at tumingin sa mga nagdaraang sasakyan sa baba. Out of depression I thought about killing myself. Tumalon at magpasagasa. Pero nang gagawin ko na, natakot ako at naisip ko na unfair kung idadamay ko pa iyong kawawang driver sa gusto kong mangyari.

“Ang isa pang dahilan, tatalon na dapat ako nang mag-ring iyong cellphone ko. Nang sagutin ko nagkamali lang ng dial ng numero iyong tumawag kaya minura ko iyong guy. Sinabi kong inabala niya ang tangkang pagpapakamatay ko. That guy is William who saved me from my attempted suicide and was the reason for my decision to come out to our parents three years ago. But that’s another story to tell. That’s why I was afraid that you might think of doing the same.”

Seriously, I never thought about suicide. “That never crossed my mind. I just want the ill feelings to fade away,” paniniyak ko sa kaniya.

He nodded with a relief on his handsome face. “Now for me, the Niko I knew was dead.”

Bigla akong nag-isip. “What do you mean by that?”

Kuya Clarence smiled. “I had to let go of all my old preconceptions about you and start to look at you as a new person, Nik. The real Niko. The real brother I have lost for many years due to hiding.”

I was so relieved but still wished I had told Kuya Clarence before.

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