Mesmerizing

21: Paralyzed

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"Tae" I said as we entered the car, I honestly wanted to stay here longer but at the same time I feel like I have to go. I want to talk to him; I want to keep on telling him things he needs to know, however each time I open my mouth the words won't come out. It feels like it's not their time to bloom yet.

"Hmm" he responded as his hands were on the driving wheel and his eyes were all focused on the road.

That felt wrong, all of it, that wasn't how it was supposed to be going on, we should talk, what did he mean by wanting a letter as well, what does he mean by memorizing it? How many times did he even read it? Why were his eyes full of despair and loneliness as if I betrayed him back then when we never even had a proper talk? And the only question I have to ask my own self, why did I write his name? Did I like him that much to remember him all the time? But nothing came out of my mouth, I felt paralyzed. I felt dizzy and unaware of my surroundings. I couldn't speak as if I would get shot if I did.

But what if I am ready to risk my life to get those answers? Because for the first time in a very long time, I feel that it's worth it. That new feeling that I can't identify is worth it.

Days passed and that 'hmm' was the last thing I heard from Taehyung, he distanced himself again from me, he never called, he never came to work, Hoseok never told me that he asked about me, he was disappearing calmly from my life again, like nothing ever happened.

But this time I won't accept to be defeated. This time I am not going to wait and think. This time I will be right in front of him so he won't think of leaving again, even though I don't want to step near that house because of hoseok, however, I need to show him that he can trust me in whatever is hurting him, I promised myself before I even promised him that I am going to save him, and lift him all the way up.

Because if I know one thing in this world it's that you really matter to me Kim Taehyung.

"Hey Jimin" I said as I entered their house, it was calm and quiet.

"Rena, did something happen? Are you alright?"

"No, No jimin, I am really fine, I just passed by to say hi" I said

"Well, gla-" I cut his words because I want no lies.

"I am lying, I want a new start so no lying, I came here to check on Taehyung" I exhaled deeply, and felt light. Jimin's response wasn't that familiar to me as he gave out a small laugh.

"Cute" he said and told me to sit down "Unfortunately he is asleep, do you want me to wake him up?"

I let a deep sigh and shook my head. "I guess I should leave then, can you give him these then, and I was going to prepare his favorite food as a thank you"

"Ren maybe you would like to see someone else" he said

"I don't think so, I-"

"Why?" said Hoseok as I turned around? "Why don't you respect my decisions as I do to yours?"

"You are not leaving before we solve this"

"What decisions you fool? You want to hurt yourself again? We all know what she is up to even you I am sure that you are quite aware of her intentions, however, you want to trust Yuri again? You want to give her a chance after everything she has done to you? Hoseok wake up, I won't stand there watching you get burnt and not do anything, I won't allow this ever. Even if that costs me our dear friendship. I am going to do everything to cut all your relations with her."

"Why is that then? Even if I chose to give her a chance you won't respect and support that right? Then why did I do that back then? Why did I let you go when you begged for it?"

"Oh they haven't told you yet?" I let out the scariest laugh ever then cut it by my own words with my voice changing to a scary ordering one "well hello, I am Rena from the future and I am telling you I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong, I should have listened, I wasted 2 years of my life escaping my fears and I am really trying to face them now, I am paying for it, I already paid a lot but the debt is only getting heavier and I am about to lose it, I wake up every day searching for the smallest slightest reason not to stop on trying, I pray to God everyday that I find my way, that I can forgive myself for destroying it years ago, for leaving you when you were weak and needed help the most, so please don't just don't do this. Don't let me add more to the weight I am carrying"

"Ren calm down, we were just talkin-" he replied with the softest voice and eyes full of guilt for letting the monster out, for letting my inner screams get out and be heard. Screamed and shouted at him endlessly because I felt I couldn't save him and I am afraid to see him hurt again, because Hoseok isn't just a friend he is family.

A touch of coldness awakened me from the feeling of dizziness that never left since that day, a touch followed by a total grip of my hand "I got her hyung, I will talk to her"

He took me away as we entered the kitchen and stood there; he looked at me, direct in my eyes but never waited for my words to flow on their own. He pulled me between his arms and kept patting my back, he embraced me. "shh young lady, calm down, there is always a way out. Calm down"

His scent was everywhere, I leant my head on his chest "Taehyung-ah, don't leave" I said

"I won't" he replied

"What do I do? Tell me what to do?"

"Listen to him"

"I am being selfish, aren't I?"

"Emm, a bit, even though if it's for his own good but you still need to support his decision"

"I am a bad person; I hurt him more, haven't I?"

"No, you aren't" he tightened his grip of me "Don't ever say that" he whispered and kept on holding me for a while then he let go of me and sighed, "Just tell him that you will support him whatever he chooses, you know what Rena, even after what you said we are all sure including you that you will never leave his side. Hoseok hyung is sure of it too, He just needs to hear it"

"You think?"

"Even better, I am sure of it" he replied as he put his hands in his pockets signaling me to go talk to Hoseok.

I went outside of the kitchen as Hoseok was sitting on the couch watching the clock ticking.

"I am sorry, I support you, you are a grown up, you must have a reason to give her a chance again"

"Emm, I do, good one too"

I let out a sigh "Then you got it, I want you to know that, I only care for your own good, I didn't mean to lose it on you, I never want you to blame yourself for anything, forgive me Hoseokii"

"Ohh, how dare me get upset with my little girl?" he said to make me laugh and I did but the smile was all gone when he said "Tomorrow we are going out, the three of us like the old days"

What are you up to Jung Hoseok? This doesn't sound like you. Do you love her that much? To the extent of forgiving her after all those years, to the extent of just melting the moment she said she wanted you back, but that wasn't your response when your eyes first fell on her after all that time, and Lana, what about her? You said you began to like her, haven't you? What are you exactly doing? Don't you dare hurt her, don't do what was done to you Hoseok, don't punish people by mistakes others made and flew away after.

"F-Fine" I said.