Unoriginal Me

28 2 0

by religiousnihilist

by religiousnihilist

"I hate looking in the mirror, because I don't see me I see what I pretend to be"

What do you call someone who pretends?
The answer is fake, you call them a fake.

The lies and fake smiles
Underneath it all would I find me
Hiding somewhere dark and confined
Trying to speak up
But failing at every attempt

My skin just feels like skin
Looking in the mirror
My face is unrecognizable at times
I forget my own reflection
Who am I

I don't want to be clothed
Clothes;
my way to freely express myself

But they say nothing
My clothes are quiet
They barely speak about me

I want to be completely naked
Not worrying about who sees

What will they see anyway

Will they see me
Or a body
My soul
Or a vessel

.................

Lately I've been feeling like it's pointless, and I feel alone. "No one cares" repeats in my head, over and over again.

I've never had a best friend, to have sleepovers or trade secrets with. Not gonna lie I have came close a few times, but it never seemed to stick. I act like I'm okay with it, but not having any real friends sucks.

Maybe I have this fantasy in my mind of the perfect friend. I shouldn't be so ungrateful to the 'friends' I do have. I just hate feeling unloved, and it happens so much.

Honestly I don't deserve it, not even a little. No matter how much I tell myself I'm this horrible person. I won't believe that anymore, because it's bullshit.

I went to church last Sunday, and it was an experience. I didn't cry or anything. A part of me just wanted to leave. It's as if what the pastor was saying, were just used words I've heard before.

Why do people come to a hot building to listen to a man talk, a lot.

I want to mention this church was different it was accepting of all religion,sexuality,race, and even atheist.

Even though the pastor mentioned Jesus like a bazillion times. Well maybe not a bazillion, but a fair amount.

It was my first time there, and it wasn't terrible. I don't wanna go next week, because I would rather stay home. I just want to get to know my bed a little better.

6/19/19