Weekly News from the Wacky World of Fairy Tales. The Once Upon A Times keeps you up to date with all the goings-on in the fairy tale lands, from the Pleasant Kingdoms to the Seven Seas of Despair.
Barberus Caves, Borderlands –Sir Orson Harris, 21, is a fraud. Three days ago The Fairy Tale Free Press (who are a little too free in their interpretation of 'facts') reported a remarkable tale: How an evil dwarf magically transformed Sir Harris into a bear; how the bear sheltered every night in the cottage of two sisters, Snowbelle, 17, and Rosie, 16, for six months; how the bear finally tracked down the dwarf and reversed the spell; and how he ultimately proposed to Snowbelle upon his return to human form.
However, after further investigation by The Once Upon A Times, Sir Harris admitted yesterday that the whole tale was a sham. "I was not under a spell cast by dwarf Gnimble Combcutter," the clean-shaven knight confessed. "Last fall, I purchased some of Mr. Combcutter's Fast-Action Facial Follicle Filler to help grow my beard. The ladies used to like my baby-smooth cheeks but lately they are only interested in a rough-and-tumble lumberjack look. Well, I rubbed some of the Follicle Filler on my face and it felt so good, that I sort of got carried away and just kept going. Pretty soon, I was entirely covered in hair. I tried shaving it off the very next day but it was absolutely un-cuttable. So, I manufactured the story about being turned into a bear."
Last week, Sir Harris was finally able to remove his unwanted hair using a special razor forged in the same smithy as the great axe of Barberus Stylesmith, legendary dwarfish salon operator.
Despite his confession, Sir Harris quickly went on the offensive. "I still think the dwarf, Mr. Combuctter, is the real villain here! He should not be selling such a dangerously effective product. How was I supposed to know it would change my body in a way that was so hard to reverse? There should have been a warning on the jar! Needless to say, I will be filing a lawsuit."
Lawson Loopehole, a legal expert on magical transformations, believes Sir Harris has a case. "The label does say Facial Follicle Filler,but it does not say you shouldn't put it elsewhere."
When reached for comment at his home in the Barberus Caves, Mr. Combcutter fired back: "What? Do I have to put every bloody thing people shouldn't do on the jar? Do not ingest! Do not throw at angry witches? Do not combine with dragon fire under the full moon! You know how much space all that would take? I'd have to use tiny little letters and people probably wouldn't read it anyway!"
Even if Sir Harris' lawsuit proves successful, the revelation of his shaggy sham has already upended his romantic pursuits. "The marriage is off," says Snowbelle. "When I thought he was a bear, I didn't mind him lying around all winter by the fire, eating honey and not helping with the chores. I mean, bears don't have opposable thumbs--how could they hold a broom? But now I know his thumbs are perfectly opposable and he is actually just very lazy."
Enchanted transformations have resulted in several high-profile marriages in recent years, but Sir Harris' ordeal should remind readers that faking magic for fame and love is never in style.
Based on the Brothers Grimm version of "Snow White & Rose Red"
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