The Once Upon A Times

NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND (Princess & the Goblin)

Shocking Cause of War Unearthed; Goblins Tell Their Side of the Story

Mount Malfactory, Odorous Realms - Your correspondent is surrounded by goblins. They troop past me in clusters, their green eyes glinting as bright as their polished axe blades. They see me, here, in the heart of their underground headquarters, but they do not attack; they have permitted my entrance because they wish to share their account of how hostilities erupted between them and the Pleasant Kingdoms.

Most readers will be familiar with the version of events purported by Pleasantimes Palace. According to Crown Prince Dasher, it all began when the small Kingdom of Silverspun in the Borderlands officially sought membership in the Pleasant Kingdoms. Shortly after negotiations opened, the goblins, who dwell under the mountains of Silverspun, kidnapped young Princess Irene of Silverspun Castle, hoping to force her into a marriage with the goblin prince, Harelip. The Pleasant Kingdoms took action to help their ally. As Sir Buff Biggs, Captain of the Royal Guard, states: "The Pleasant Kingdoms dutifully moved forces into Silverspun and the nearby regions of the Most Dreaded and Odorous Realms. We began a process of enforced beautification to remove goblins and other unpleasant creatures from the area so that events like the tragic kidnapping of Princess Irene would never happen again."

But the tragically kidnapped Princess Irene is here with me at goblin headquarters. I am permitted to interview her without the presence of goblin guards and she assures me she speaks freely. "The goblins did not kidnap me!" she explains, indignant. "I went out and found them. Do you know how many times my father has tried to marry me off to someone in the Pleasant Kingdoms for the sake of a political alliance? I've lost count. And all the suitors are decades older than me--I'm twelve! Anyway, I asked the goblins to take me into their protection and they obliged."

But surely, a sunless existence in a camp of gruff and reeking goblins is no life for royalty?

"Oh, it's not so bad," she tells me. "There are fewer rules here than there were at home. Sure, everything smells like sour mushrooms, but you get used to it."

If the official line from Pleasantimes Palace is incorrect, then what do the goblins say about the start of the war? To answer that, your correspondent interviewed the elusive goblin leader, Queen Leadfoot.

"We don't usually do business with Pleasant Folk," she tells me in her stone throne room. "However, last year I signed an agreement with Crown Prince Dasher. We would increase our mining efforts in these mountains and ship the ore to the Pleasant Kingdoms for handsome remuneration. It all went smoothly for a few months. But then, this past summer, the payments suddenly ceased, and in their place, soldiers from the Pleasant Kingdoms arrived with weapons made from the very metals we had sent them!"

According to Queen Leadfoot, the treachery of the Pleasant Kingdoms did not stop there. "After the Pleasant Kingdoms invaded, our spies managed to steal secret plans from Silverspun Castle. This whole scheme was cooked up by Crown Prince Dasher, King Gemino of Silverspun and his eldest daughter, Princess Crystaliza--that's Irene's older sister. Look what they were plotting!"

Your correspondent saw these secret plans and can verify their authenticity. There was no mistaking Crown Prince Dasher's handwriting, the royal seal of Pleasantimes Palace, or the sandalwood-scented stationery on which the plans were inscribed. What were those plans? A full-scale invasion of goblin-held territory which, once cleared, would give way to a sprawling set of Silverspun Suburbs, featuring a Mountain Spring Strip Mall, a Mountain Goat Petting Zoo, and Silverspun Slopes--a luxury ski complex.

"Those gwiddleflimps--excuse my language--in the Pleasant Kingdoms are trying to turn our homes into their next cash cow," says Queen Leadfoot. "Well, do you blame us for fighting back?"

But with so much of their metal already in Pleasant hands, how are the goblins getting weapons? Who is supplying them? Queen Leadfoot proves less forthcoming on this point. "I can't reveal who it is exactly, but with the assistance of our unnamed benefactor, we can keep this war going for decades if we must. You've seen our supplies. We have stone boots to protect our tender goblin feet. We have earplugs to protect us from rhyming poetry, which as you know, is unbearable for goblin ears. Most importantly, we have the will to protect our homes--from Silverspinners, from Pleasant Folk, from anybody."

Are you literate? If you're reading this, you probably are! Why not read George MacDonald's 1872 novel, The Princess and the Goblin, one of the first English-language fantasies for children? It's on Wattpad here: https://www.wattpad.com/story/2605755-the-princess-and-the-goblin

And if you're enjoying The Once Upon A Times, check out Young Adulting, an excellent site devoted to reviews of teen fiction. Just click the external link at the bottom of the page!

Next Tuesday, The Once Upon A Times brings you another special report...