Weekly News from the Wacky World of Fairy Tales. The Once Upon A Times keeps you up to date with all the goings-on in the fairy tale lands, from the Pleasant Kingdoms to the Seven Seas of Despair.
Fan Favourite Disqualified for Performance-Enhancing Enchantment
Runneroot Forest, Pleasant Kingdoms - The incredible rise of running sensation Tom Thumble appears to have suffered a major stumble. The two-foot tall speedster, who dashed into this year's Royal Marathon Circuit lead--and into the hearts of fans across the Pleasant Kingdoms--was handed a lifetime competitive ban last night when officials revealed he had been using illegal substances.
"The problem is his boots," explained Sir Wolfgang Ferrell, the Chief Royal Investigator, who was specially called in to handle the evidence. "They look like normal seven-league boots but they have in fact been rubbed with Fleetfoot Potion, which makes them more like eight-and-two-thirds-league boots. Such modifications are strictly prohibited!"
The ban may seem harsh to Mr. Thumble's fans, however it is in keeping with the Royal Marathon Circuit's strict rules. Circuit officials had already given Mr. Thumble a warning earlier this year after he rearranged several white pebble route markers during the first race of the season. Four competitors followed the displaced route markers into the Borderlands, where they were devoured by a cannibalistic ogre. "Tricking his fellow athletes into a grisly end was pretty poor sportsmanship," Sir Wolfgang says, "but pouring potion on his boots--I mean, that's the sort of thing that really compromises the integrity of the sport."
With Mr. Thumble's disqualification, Ginger Breadette takes over first place in the standings. "I thought I'd have to run-run-run as fast I could to catch Tom, but this works too," the enchanted pastry told reporters upon learning the news.
Despite the setback, Mr. Thumble claims he is already getting his life back on track. "Ever since my parents abandoned me twice in the woods as a kid, I've known the importance of persevering. That's what I'm going to do now. In fact, Crown Prince Dasher has already reached out to me about a position in the Pleasant Army as a messenger. Sounds like he needs someone fast relaying commands because the invasion of the Odorous Realms isn't going as well as he hoped. The goblins are giving him some trouble, or something like that."
Crown Prince Dasher was unavailable for comment. His Captain of the Guard, Sir Buff Biggs, confirmed that Mr. Thumble was offered a position in the army, but stressed that there is no invasion of the Odorous Realms, only an enforced beautification process. "And the goblins are not giving us any trouble. In fact, if I was a young man, woman, or able-bodied creature of any kind, I would enlist immediately for fear that I would miss out on all the goblin bashing we are doing!"
Based on Perrault's version of the story, "Little Thumb"
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Stay tuned for more news from the front lines of fairy tale, coming next Tuesday...
