The Once Upon A Times

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT GOES UP IN SMOKE (The Remarkable Rocket)

'Funpowder' Plot to Blow up Pleasantimes Palace Foiled

Capitolia, Pleasant Kingdoms - Royal authorities have dramatically thwarted an attempt to destroy Pleasantimes Palace. Early this morning, Sir Wolfgang Ferrell, the Chief Royal Investigator, uncovered an enormous explosive device in an undercroft below the royal residence. If ignited, the rocket would have completely decimated the palace and claimed the lives of everyone inside, including Crown Prince Dasher, Lady Noelle Blanche (the newly appointed Minister of Beautification), and visiting Princess Cystaliza of Silverspun Castle.

The would-be bomber? Lady Poisanna Pomelle, who authorities found guarding the explosive and immediately arrested.

At the crack of dawn, Crown Prince Dasher held a news conference to provide further details: "We believe Lady Pomelle's motives to be two-fold. Her first motive: revenge. You may recall that in July, she finished second to Lady Noelle Blanche--our newest minister--in the Pleasant Kingdoms Beauty Pageant. However, it has come to our attention that Lady Pomelle also harbours sympathies with the Odorous Realms. Upon arrest, she was found wearing several badges, which read, Goblins for the Win!, Prince Dasher is a Nincompoop!, and I'm Counting on Count Ruthless! If not for Sir Wolfgang's heroism, this dangerous woman may have toppled the Pleasant Kingdoms in one foul swoop."

That dangerous woman now awaits her sentence in the Royal Dungeons. However, through underground channels best left undescribed, your correspondent managed to approach Lady Pomelle's cell and learn more about her dastardly plot. "I was using a rocket full of funpowder," she explains, "a highly powerful substance. You tell it what you think will be fun to blow up and the longer it spends near the target, the bigger it goes boom. Alas, I think I performed the enchantment wrong. The rocket took on a personality and even started to talk. It became awfully like Prince Dasher, Lady Blanche, and your other politicians, droning on and on, but never actually doing anything! I had already tried to light it seventeen times when that fool Sir Wolfgang showed up. It just wouldn't explode!"

So, what led Sir Wolfgang to patrol the undercroft that night? "I just had a gut feeling!" the beaming Chief Investigator claims. However, by gut feeling, many believe Sir Wolfgang simply got hungry and attempted to enter Prince Dasher's private vault of rare cheeses, located just next to the explosive cache. Whatever led him below the palace, he now finds himself heading for the front lines. Crown Prince Dasher named Sir Wolfgang the new Commanding General of the Pleasant Armies. The Chief Investigator says he is honoured, but given the steady advance of the goblins and their allies, some feel the prince is actually promoting Sir Wolfgang as punishment for attempting to pilfer his cheese.

Meanwhile, The Once Upon A Times has received a dispatch from Count Ruthless at Castle Dastardly:

In what citizens of the Pleasant Kingdoms hope is a complete coincidence, enormous gouts of flame have recently been spotted in the region surrounding Castle Dastardly.

Yet, whatever challenges face the Pleasant Kingdoms in the coming days, it cannot be denied that the hero of the hour is Sir Wolfgang Ferrell, or, as he insists on calling himself in the last-minute ad purchased below...

Inspired by Oscar Wilde's literary fairy tale, The Remarkable Rocket (1888).

Tune in next week for more breaking news from the front lines of Fairy Tales...