Weekly News from the Wacky World of Fairy Tales. The Once Upon A Times keeps you up to date with all the goings-on in the fairy tale lands, from the Pleasant Kingdoms to the Seven Seas of Despair.
High King Hansome Back in the Pleasant Kingdoms After Six Month Absence; Signs Armistice with Odorous Realms
Capitolia, Pleasant Kingdoms -After six months of mysterious traveling, High King Hansome has returned to the throne of the Pleasant Kingdoms, relieving Crown Prince Dasher, who had served as interim ruler. The king's first act back in office? Officially singing an armistice with Queen Leadfoot of the Goblins and Count Rufus V. Ruthless the Fifth, suspending the war with the Most Dreaded and Odorous Realms. The reprieve could not come at a better time for the Pleasant Kingdoms, who have suffered continual losses on the front and who narrowly foiled an attempt on the life of Crown Prince Dasher last week.
But where has High King Hansome been all this time? And how did his return lead to the armistice? The king hosted reporters in his throne room this morning to provide answers.
"It all began during the Spring Hunt last April," he explains. "While pursuing a wild boar, I saw twinkling green lights in the woods. I rode ahead of my party and detoured to follow the lights. Well, I soon came to a hill. At first I thought it might be a barrow mound, you know--a hill under which the fairies live. But it was stranger even than that. It appeared to be made of metal and it was positively covered in the twinkly green lights I had seen. Then, to my great surprise, the whole hill rose into the air with a whirring sound. When it was flying it looked less like a hill and more like a... well imagine a sort of domed saucer. A bright beam of light shot from the bottom of the saucer, hit me in the chest, and pulled me, like an invisible rope, right off my horse and into the saucer itself!"
Who did the king discover inside this strange flying saucer. "You may have heard stories of them. We call them the Outer Fairies. They are about half our size with grey-green skin, long necks, and large eyes. They sail through the stars in their saucer vessels as we sail through the seas. They thought very highly of me and even shared many of their secret technologies and mechanisms. Observe!"
At this moment, King Hansome lifted a dagger studded with a pulsing green stone. He pointed it at a table of crustless sandwiches prepared for members of the press. A blast of light shot from the dagger and the sandwich table instantly crumbled to ash. Nearly thirty reporters fainted at the sight--half from stupefaction at this marvelous technology, half from the despair of seeing their snacks incinerated.
The dagger is not the only piece of Outer Fairy machinery the king now keeps on his person. Instead of his usual golden crown, he made his address while wearing a sparkly helmet of tin, with metal protrusions sticking out like an insect's antennae. This helmet allows him to communicate with the Outer Fairies while they continue their voyages among the stars.
"Of course, I thought I was only gone a few days," King Hansome apologized. "Apparently the Outer Fairies travel so fast in their vessels, they bend time. What felt like less than a week to me was in reality several months. I understand that during my absence you have all had a spot of trouble with the Odorous Realms. Well, last night, I used the technology of the Outer Fairies to contact Count Rufus V. Ruthless the Fifth and Queen Leadfoot of the goblins. I explained that our forces will now be equipped with star-powered jewel cannons. They explained that they now have a trained legion of Dragonosaurus rex. Each side has enough firepower to blow the other off the face of the planet--which is round, by the way! Hard to believe, but I saw it. Anyway, finding ourselves in a stalemate, we have agreed to suspend hostilities for the foreseeable future."
Although the news of the armistice was greeted with relief throughout the Pleasant Kingdoms, Borderlands, and Odorous Realms, a feeling of trepidation lingers over the world. With each side in possession of such destructive weapons, no one can strike without sealing their own doom; we are living in a state of mutually assured destruction--a very mad reality, indeed.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Inspired by numerous fairy abduction stories from the folklore of Britain, Ireland, and beyond--stories which took on a space-age twist in the 20th Century as accounts of alien abduction.
The war might be over--for now--but the wacky (round!) world of fairy tales continues to turn and we'll be back next Tuesday with more news!
