Weekly News from the Wacky World of Fairy Tales. The Once Upon A Times keeps you up to date with all the goings-on in the fairy tale lands, from the Pleasant Kingdoms to the Seven Seas of Despair.
BREAKING NEWS RECEIVED SHORTLY BEFORE PRESS TIME...
To the Editors of The Once Upon A Times,
I read with great interest your latest article, explaining the goblin perspective on the war between the Most Dreaded and Odorous Realms and the Pleasant Kingdoms. It is my understanding that over the past week you have been inundated with requests from readers who wish to know the identity of the mysterious benefactor supplying the goblins with weapons. How do I know all this? Please, what sort of Dark Lord would I be if I didn't have a long, bony finger on the pulse of the populace?
Yes, it is with great relish that I reveal myself as the supplier of arms to goblins; I, Count Rufus V. Ruthless the Fifth, Supreme and Malevolent Dark Lord of Castle Dastardly, the Nefarious Nobleman, the Heinous Highborn, the Master of Disaster, the man with many other frightening and impressive names too numerous to list here.
Never heard of me? I do not blame you. Most people tremble so much at my name they are incapable of writing it down. And Crown Prince Dasher has done all he can to hide my name from your readers, although he could not hide my actions: It was on my orders that dark agents stole the glass slipper of Prince Dansemeister's would-be bride, plunging the southern reach into chaos. It was I who hired Mr. Rumpus Stiltzman to destabilize the economy of Marigold Town. And, when winged monkeys were refused hospitality in the Pleasant Kingdoms, it was I who offered to take them in. Most importantly, it was I who encouraged the many hideous creatures of the Odorous Realms to band together in the face of our sweet-scented and ever-smiling pleasant oppressors. So far, the goblins have borne the brunt of the fighting, but as your articles have noted, the trolls have also played their part. I can officially confirm that the gargoolins and fumigator lizards have entered the alliance, and I suspect I am not the only human who tires of the constant glitz and glamour imposed upon the world by the Pleasant Kingdoms.
Until recently, the Pleasant Armies were intelligent enough to not directly trespass on my territory. However, three days ago, I captured a band of seven knights attempting to enter my castle to spy on me, including Sir Buff Biggs, Captain of the Royal Guard and close personal friend of Crown Prince Dasher. (A note to future infiltrators: if you pretend to be ghosts by hiding under white sheets, don't pin all your shiny medals and ribbons on the outside of the sheet where I can clearly see them.) This obvious infringement of my territory has so incensed me that I have decided to come out of the shadows and openly declare war on all things pleasant.
You all might as well surrender now. If you do not, things will get messy. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Wrathfully yours,
Count Rufus V. Ruthless, the Fifth
Supreme and Malevolent Dark Lord
Nefarious Nobleman
Heinous Highborn
Master of Disaster, etc.
Castle Dastardly, Borderlands
1st October
The original letter is reproduced below:
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Tune in next Tuesday for fresh developments from The Once Upon A Times...
