Shipwrecked Hearts

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It's all my fault. I can hear the voices inside my head telling me that and it is. I can hear the voices of the ones I killed. I can hear their family laughing at me, telling me now I know what it feels like to lose somebody and be able to not do anything about it. Just cry. Just fucking cry.

"Ngayon nararamdaman mo na ang pakiramdam ng mawalan ng taong minamahal!"

"You deserve the worst!"

"Isa kang demonyo! Rot in hell! Doon nararapat ang mga monsters na tulad mo!"

"Baliw!"

"Psychopath!"

Mariin kong pinikit ang aking mga mata. Stop. Fucking stop. Ngunit nagpatuloy lang sila. Ang mga boses. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling. Ang alam ko lang ay nasa loob ko ang mga ito. Nasa isip ko. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko matatakasan. Kahit anong pilit kong gawin na pagbibingi-bingihan, andoon pa rin sila. Ang kanilang mga tawanan. Pakiramdam ko ako ay pinagtatawanan. Pakiramdam ko isa akong katatawanan.

I felt like I was the biggest joke. Unti-unting nanghina ang kompres'yon na ginagawa ko sa sugat ni Maximo dahilan upang mas dumaloy ang kan'yang dugo. Tila may alaala na biglang lumitaw sa gitna nitong lahat.

"Good morning, Akira. Did you have a good night sleep?" It was my psychiatrist, Dr. Flamella.

Mariin akong umiling. "I miss my bed. My room. I miss home. I will never have a good night sleep. Napapalibutan ako ng puti. Puro puti. Nakakabaliw."

"Isn't that what your schoolmates usually tell you?"

Natigilan ako dahil sa kan'yang sinabi. She crossed her fingers together and inclined as if she hit the jackpot. "You don't have to hide anything from me. I know you were homeschooled for it, Akira. Because... because you were bullied before... for being different, peculiar, odd, and something else, extraordinarily gifted, you have something that they can never and will never be able to comprehend. You have something that they don't have. That's why they decided to turn you into a total loser and outcast... and... you had enough, and you turned those bullies into crazies... by just talking."

"They deserved it."

"Do they, now?" She gave me a smile, "back to the topic before we got detoured. I told you before, this is home now so get used to it. Until you forget the things that are keeping you from who you are. Isolation is the first stage, Akira. You must be isolated from the things that are holding you back. Let's start with him." May litrato siyang pinakita, it was a picture of me and Kuya Kid. "I see recognition in your eyes. That is your brother."

"I know."

"And soon, you'll forget about him. He has turned you into something you really aren't. You've been therapied before after you what you did to the kids at your so-called home. Now you're going to be therapied again, but this time, inside our vicinity and facility. This is why you are here. I will help you lock down the beast inside you."

"What if I don't want to lock it down?" Tanong ko.

Natigilan naman si Dr. Flamella dahil sa aking tinanong, "it's not a matter of wanting, Akira. It is a matter of what must be done. You must if you don't want to hurt the ones you love and hold dear in your heart."

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa.

"People usually call you Kira, right?"

"Yes." Sagot ng batang bers'yon ko. She talks already like a true adult, like she has matured and developed faster than expected of someone her age.

"Do you know what it means?"

I shook my head.

"It means a lot of things. In some context, it means death. Kira is the Japanese Romanization of the English word killer. When you speak it with a Japanese accent, the play of words makes it Kira sound like killer."

She gave me a smile, as if she got my interest. "For as long as the beast is awake, you will bring death to the people you hold dear. There will be times that you will unconsciously harm them, do you want that to happen?"

Napaisip ako. Napaisip ang batang pinagmamasdan ko mula sa malayo. "I don't want that to happen." She—I whispered through her—my confused voice.

Ngumiti ang psychiatrist, as if that's what she wanted to hear. "Then you better listen to me, okay?"

"O-Okay."

"Now, do you want to know what Kira means in English?"

"What does it mean?"

"Hope, Akira. It means hope and light. Simply life and death."

Nakinig lamang ako. Hinayaan na magproseso ang kung ano mang sinasabi.

"In Welsh, it means lady of dark beauty. In Russian, it means lighthearted." She continued.

"In other words, Kira means something good and bad, Akira." Ngumiti si Dr. Flamella, "it's either you bring death to other people, or hope. It is your choice. I am just here to guide you so you won't regret any single move you make."

I Shook my personal battles and flashbacks away. This isn't the time to have an inner war and recollection of the past. I continued to put pressure on his body. That was the only thing I can do to stop him from bleeding unnecessarily and any further.

"Maximo, stay with me, please..." Bulong ko habang nakatitig sa kan'yang. It was a lie. A white lie. It's obvious that there's no saving him. I just needed to clutch into fake hopes even just for a brief moment. That's all I ask.

Dumating si Nick matapos ang halos sampung minuto. Kalakaladkad niya si K na pawisan at halatang hinahabol ang paghinga. Lumuhod si K sa tabi ni Maximo, ako naman ay nakatitig lang sa kawalan na wala sa sarili. Binaling ko ang aking tingin kay K, bahagya siyang natigilan dahil sa aking tingin na binibigay sa kan'yang. Blangko ang aking mukha at walang buhay ang mga matang umiiyak.

"Keep putting pressure, Kira." Sambit nito at umiwas ng tingin, dumapo ang aking mga mata sa aking kamay na duguan at madiing nakapindot sa malaking pilat ni Maximo.

Whose blood is this? I looked at Maximo, stagnant. Right. Maximo. It's his blood. He... he's dead. Fuck. Hindi ito ang tamang oras upang lumipad ang aking utak. I need to stay sane. I cannot risk it. I cannot let my feeling overwhelm me. I need not only to lock down the beast raging inside me, but slay it. I need to kill it, but before I do that, I need to face it first.

Nakita ko ang pagsiyasat ni K sa pulso ni Maximo, tila hinahanap ang pintig nito, "there's a weak pulse!" Aniya.

Weak pulse?! He's still alive?! Barely breathing, but alive?

Hope flickered and I came to my senses.