𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙖𝙢 [𝗻𝗼𝗮𝗵 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽] ✓

Thirty Nine

trigger warning - i do not encourage or romanticize any form of eating disorders.  

aww look at baby noah :) okay, so i don't want this chapter to be like D R A M A T I C , but that's the only way i can write it. help. also, i'm still not over billy like brooo, i've loved him since season two.

noah pov

"it all happened so fast..." i say and look over at my mom. she wraps her arms around me and i'm taken back to those moments. 

y/n looked so scared and shaken. i wrapped me arms around her and told her that everything would be okay. tears ran down her face, tears ran down my face. we were messes, trying out best not to let the other go.

things have been a mess all night, between going to the hospital, getting her checked in and taken care of. everything was so hectic. right now, she is sleeping peacefully on my arm in her small hospital bed. a week at home just turned into two, and to be honest, i'm not that mad.

being with her is the best. being able to go home and be with friends and family is so important. 

"hey, are you mrs. l/n?" the nurse asks as she walks in. 

"yes ma'am." she says with a worried expression. the nurse gestures for me to leave the room and i do, walking out to the vending machines.

*****

y/n pov

i wake up to my head pounding and voices in the room. i immediately recognize my mom's voice, but the other isn't familiar. don't wanna be rude, but i'm eavesdropping. at first i can't really hear what their saying because of the ringing in my ears, but i know it doesn't sound good.

"is she going to be okay?" my mom asks.

"we don't know, it's all up to her and her choice for recovery." the other person says.

recovery? what are they talking about? i'm so confused. i sit for a little longer as sit up when i hear the person leave. 

"hey..." she says and walks over to my bed, sitting down. she puts her hands together and looks around the room, everywhere except for me. she's starting to worry me.

"what's wrong?" i ask. she looks at me with tears in her eyes and strokes my cheek, but i push her hand away.

"what's wrong?" i ask again. she looks at me and turns away. a nurse walks in and sits next to me. my mother gets up and walks out. what the heck?

"y/n, do you know what anorexia is?" she asks. i nod, knowing what's coming. i didn't think i had let it go that far. tears well in my eyes as shame takes over me. being found out hurts.

"good, the more you know the better. right now you're severely underweight. your height is five feet five inches and you weight eighty pounds." she say, putting her hand on my shoulder. i wince at my weight. fat, ugly, unworthy. those words have surrounded me, drowned me in their meaning.

i look up at her with tears running down my cheeks.

"what's going to happen to me." i ask.

"well, right now you are having some serious health side effects from everything. your blood sugar is very low, and your heartbeat is becoming irregular. tonight we've decided to keep you, possibly a little longer, but what's after that will be discussed tomorrow." she says and looks at me for an answer.

"okay." i whisper. she get's up and leaves. for a few moments i'm numb, i forget what i'm doing here, and then it hits me. i've just been diagnosed with anorexia. i knew that my eating was disordered, but i didn't know that it had gotten this bad.

a small sob escapes my mouth and i cover my mouth. now, not right now, i can't break right now. things are getting to be too much, it sets in that i'm probably not going to leave here anytime soon. that i'm sick, diseased, dying. 

i hear the door open and wipe away my tears.

"you all good?" noah asks as he steps in, two water bottles in hand. he throws one at me and i watch it hit the floor.

"y/n?" he says.

"oh, uh, i'm fine." i say and smile up at him. i twist my hospital bracelet around my wrist. when i think about it, i run my hand up and down my arms. i can feel bones and see veins. it's so scary.

the fact that i like it.

*****

"don't tell him." i say to her. she nods and sits next to me.

"are you okay?" she asks. i smile at her and nod. it's crazy how you can get away with things. when your all caught up and deceiving, it get's kind of scary. she lays her head on my shoulder and i put my head on hers. my hospital gown does nothing for me, i'm so cold.

"did you bring any jackets?" i ask her. she nods and pull put my favorite pillow case. i pull some fuzzy socks and a huge, warm cardigan out of it and pull them on. i tie my hair up in a bun and sit back. the tubes snake through the sweater and stay there, hurting. 

my mom walks over to the small couch in the corner of the room and lays down. she pulls out a blanket and quickly falls sleep. i lay awake on my bed, wondering how i got here.

tears well as i pull my blanket tighter around me, ready for another long night without sleep.

a/n -

love all of you. you are all so amazingly beautiful.

<3 lilia