𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙖𝙢 [𝗻𝗼𝗮𝗵 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽] ✓

Forty Two

trigger warning - i do not endorse or romanticize eating disorders. 

y/n pov

"it's either the salad or an ensure, your choice." julia, the nurse on lunch duty, asks. i take a big gulp of my water and stare at my plate. almost everything is on there and time's almost up to finish.

"do- do i have to eat it all?" i ask. she nods and i look at alex. she tries to smile, but looks down at her half empty plate with guilt. my breathing quickens and i try to calm myself. i can do this...i think.

"ensure." i can barely get out before i begin to regret it. julia gives me a look if disappointment and hands it over to me. the lid is sticky and i look at the flavor. vanilla. great, just great. alex rubs my back and cheers me on. i open the bottle and take a tiny sip, recoiling at the taste.

"wow, that is disgusting." i say and let out a small giggle. alex laughs and sticks a piece of lettuce in her mouth, chewing it to paste. i look away and try to drink some more ensure. 

it's absolutely, utterly disgusting. 

*****

alex holds back my hair as i hover over the toilet, letting it all out. i was doing fine after dinner for about an hour, until i got sick. julia rushes in and helps me clean up. tears run down my face as i wipe it with a towel and sit back, trying to get my stomach to calm down.

"that'll be one more ensure." julia says and runs out to get it, handing it to me when she gets back. i look at her defeated and sit on my bed, trying to drink it without tasting it.

"don't worry, it happens when you first start eating again. If you want we could go for a 'walk'". She says with air quotes. I wait for Julia to leave before I answer.

"A walk?" I ask.

"You know, exercise. I bet you could burn off all the ensures." She says. I wait for a moment, processing what to say. Should I? I don't even need a mirror to know what I look like. Just this once, I'll never do it again. I'll even stop early...

"I'm in." I say and we walk out. This place is huge, so I bet there'll be a place without anyone. At first we just walk normally, then speed walk, jog and then break out into a sprint. The nurse station comes into view and we stoop dead in our tracks, running behind the corner. We hear footsteps coming up, but they stop and go back. We look at each other and laugh.

"That was close." Alex says and I smile. I'm glad we're friends. 

"Yeah." I say breathlessly and look at the door to the stairs. Me and Alex give each other a look before running over and going in. The air is so cold. I immediately begin to shake and try to stop, but it's no use. Alex is already halfway up the stairs, but I'm back here. Alex runs back and points to the corner. Security cameras. 

"Crap."

***** 

"Are they coming?" I ask as I pace around our tiny room.

"I hear footsteps." Alex replies as she listens to the door. The handle begins to turn and she jumps onto her bed, grabbing a magazine and pretending to read it. I stop where I am begin to fold clothes. 

Julia walks in, looking at us suspiciously. 

"What in the world were you two doing down in the the basement?" She asks coldly.

"What? We've been in here the entire time." Alex covers, pointing to the clock.

"Lights out is in five minutes." She says with a smile. I look away and continue to fold, putting them away in my small dresser. Julia gives us a disbelieving look and closes the door.

"Oh my god, I've never gotten away with it before!" She yells, laughing. I shush her and we both begin to laugh. 

"That was fun." I say and look down at myself. I feel a little less unsatisfied with myself and hope that's a good thing. 

a/n -

sorry it took so long. love you all so much.