[[[the wonderful mess that we've made]]] [[[part iii]]]

1.

I only spent two months with my new band. They were five young guys from London and each of them was a pleasure. We didn't travel the world or go jetting off every single day, but it was just what I needed. I was busy enough without the stress. And was able to have fun for a little while. I was devastated when they were dropped from the record label, making me unemployed. I spent the next month going from band to artist as holiday and sickness cover, doing the odd jobs around the office and generally being a dogs body. I was even sent on coffee runs for the big wigs upstairs. I'd do anything to keep myself occupied.

It hadn't been the easiest time for my personal life. I was massively affected by what had happened between Dan and I. All trust I'd had for people was gone. If it wasn't for my family and friends, I wasn't sure how I would've got by. Woody was an angel. When it all came out what had happened, the fact that Dan and I had been, and were still, married, the baby, Emma, he had been first to offer to kill him. I made him promise he wouldn't let what happened affect his relationship with Dan. But I know he found it hard.

'You guys were married and he never said a thing. I understand why you didn't, because I didn't know you back then, but he sat on that information for four years. I don't even know if I like the guy anymore.' He'd whispered over dinner at mum and dads on the rare occasion we were both there. I especially didn't want our parents finding out I'd yet again fallen in love with someone unsuitable. Even our little sister was in a happy relationship. What was so wrong with me that I kept ending up alone?

'It makes no difference to your life. He has his reasons. I think he's just a very messed up guy. You can't blame him.' I whispered back.

'Of course I blame him. He messed you around.'

'I can't go through life hating everyone. I'm ok with it now.'

Which was truthful up to a point. Sure I'd spent the first few days fighting back tears at the very thought of Dan. At how I'd finally given in to my feelings when he confessed he loved me. I had imagined this life for us where we were happy. And then Emma had strolled in with her pregnancy and put an end to it before it had even began. But what could I do about it? He was about to become a father. We were over. For good.

I did miss him every single day. Even more so than the four years we'd spent apart previously. Stupid things reminded me of him, the smell of aftershave, thunderstorms and anyone remotely similar in the street. And each time I remembered I was hit with a pang of sadness. I'd lost the only person who truly understood me. Or so I'd thought. Didn't he know better than anyone? Then why had he gone behind my back with someone else and then lied about it?

He tried to contact me a few times, through messages and phone calls. I changed my number twice but he somehow managed to find me. I suspected he had got hold of Woodys phone. I ignored everything. Would he ever get the point that I didn't want to speak to him? I didn't want to hear excuses.

I was home one night in between flights to Sweden and Canada, sat in my cosy pyjamas watching Harry Potter, and I answered my phone assuming it was the female singer I was working with that week.

'Lily?' His voice sent shivers down my spine.

'Please stop. I don't want to talk to you.' I told him.

'Please just-' I hung up. There was nothing he could say to me. There was nothing I wanted to hear. Apologies? Begging for forgiveness? Nothing would change the fact that he lied about his girlfriend. I took some time out to evaluate what I wanted. And having a man in my life was not on my list.