[[[the wonderful mess that we've made]]] [[[part iii]]]

37.

Dan helped me out of the hospital gown, carefully avoiding all the bruises and cuts covering my body. He was so tender and gentle as he then helped me into the bath, instantly turning the water a dirty red brown. He held up my leg so the bandages didn't get wet and cleaned my skin. It felt so good. I rested my head against his forearm as he cleaned my back, up and down with the soapy sponge, making it hard for me to stay awake. Though I'd spent the last three days sleeping, I hadn't really rested. The ward had been hot and loud and every night I'd listened to people crying to themselves. I was glad to be out of there. I'd probably never get over what had happened. I could see the devastation every time I closed my eyes.

I'd been so lucky. I could've died. That could've been the end of me. But I'd lived and I sure as hell wasn't going to let anything pass me by any longer. This thing between Dan and I, whatever it was, I had to cling onto it. Onto him. In the moments before they put me under anaesthetic to pull me out of the rubble, I'd told him I love him. And I had never meant it more than right at that moment. And then he'd said he loved me too, but was it only to comfort me?

This business needed finishing. After a few nights of sleep.

He helped me into a pair of fresh clean pajamas, made sure I'd taken my pain killers and tucked me into bed as though I was a toddler, my arms pinned under the sheets. He sat beside me and stroked my head.

'I've got a room next door, but I didn't know if you wanted me to stay with you or...?' He trailed off. I thought it was sweet that he hadn't assumed we'd be sharing, but right then, that's exactly what I wanted.

'Stay.' I urged him, though it didn't take much effort. He got in beside me and held me just like he'd done every night in the hospital. 'I don't know what I ever did to deserve you.' I whispered into the dark. It was true. I'd done a lot of horrible things in my time, I'd left him with only a sorry note and disappeared for four years, amongst other things. Sure he'd done some stupid things too, but he was too good for me.

'I'm the one who doesn't deserve you.' He replied and kissed my bandaged head. I couldn't wait to take these things off and wash my hair. I could've spent forever telling him how sorry I was for not talking to him over the past six months, but I was just so tired.