[[[the wonderful mess that we've made]]] [[[part iii]]]

18.

I didn't want to get off the ride. I wanted to stay there forever. Suspended a hundred feet in the air with Dan. Our troubles hadn't instantly gone away. He had a lot of work to do. And it would take me a long time to trust him again. A few questions were buzzing around my mind. Ones that I couldn't silence.

'So you and Emma...?' I tested. But to my surprise, he was more than willing to open up.

'The first week of that tour, she rang me and told me she'd slept with someone else. And it then turned out that she'd been sleeping with him for a while. They've got a little girl now, the one she told me could be mine.' He was clearly hurt by that. He'd been with her a long time and he probably had loved her.

'But that night...?' I asked tentatively, remembering the way my heart had felt when I saw them kissing. Feeling how much it had hurt.

'She just turned up. She was crying. She said she was sorry, that she'd made a mistake and then she kissed me. I couldn't push her away...if there was even the slightest chance that baby had been mine, I couldn't just leave her...'

'But you didn't know she was pregnant before then?'

'I'd known for a few days. Since our week off. That's why I was so distant. I didn't know what to do. I wanted you but I had to stay with her. And then obviously it all blew up and she was angry I never told her about you.'

'Why didn't you tell anyone we were married? Were you ashamed?'

'I didn't think people would understand. How could I tell my friends that you'd left me because of what I'd done? I had kept you hidden away, I didn't want you to find a job because I wanted to keep you to myself, I wanted to make you happy. And I lost you. Then you joined the tour and it was just too late to say anything. I make bad decisions, my whole life I have screwed myself over.' His eyes were glassy with tears. I knew he wasn't a horrible person. In fact, he was too bloody nice. He was constantly making sure everyone else was happy and accidentally causing a lot of trouble in the meantime.

'I know you only wanted to protect me, I know that now. And maybe I did over react. If I hadn't of left you we could've been very happy together.'

'We still can be.' He said as he stroked my cheek. I leant into his hand and closed my eyes. Could we be happy? Or would I just be walking back into a failed marriage? Why couldn't we just stay here? In this limbo. Neither together or apart. With no one to judge or interfere?

'Lets just take it easy. We've rushed into things before.' I said, shocking myself that I'd come up with such an adult decision.

'Yeah.' He agreed and kissed the top of my head. I felt him sigh with relief.