[[[the wonderful mess that we've made]]] [[[part iii]]]

2.

If I could just explain to her that Emma had turned up out of the blue, crying, and that when Lily had walked in, we'd only kissed. It was nothing more. She was in such a state that when she threw herself at me I couldn't push her away. I was going to tell Emma that we were over. That if the baby was mine I would contribute financially and look after it as much as my job allowed, but it ended there. She had betrayed me and there was no forgiving that. And I wasn't in love with her. It would've been cruel to bring a child into our relationship.

But it turned out that Emma never wanted to see me again anyway. Because apparently I'd been the one going behind her back. When Lily had walked away leaving me to explain to Emma why she had been so angry, it had all come out about our marriage. She accused me of having an affair. No matter how much I promised her that wasn't the case, that Lily and I had never been together while Emma and I were a couple, she wouldn't hear it. She threatened to take me to court to stop me ever seeing the baby.

Everything was such a fucked up mess. And it was all my fault. I'd lost everything. I received the divorce papers in the mail. I knew I'd lost the battle to make things up with Lily. They'd sat upon my kitchen counter awaiting to be signed. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already.

I was finished with trying to talk to Lily. She clearly would never forgive me or let us move on from what had happened. So, that was it. I gave up. No more losing sleep, no more worrying about her. It wasn't as though I had enough heartache in my life already. I couldn't waste my whole life waiting for her.

I signed the divorce papers and sent them back.

It was over.