Hell Has A New Name

12

He took a breath collecting his thoughts again.

"When I six my first sister came along, I was so excited to be a big brother. I did my best to be perfect for her. Dad was good at treating me like he loved me too, I didn't think much of it as a kid but looking back, he could have treated me differently. I didn't even know he wasn't my biological father until I was a teenager. Anyway, I was eight when my next sister was born. God had a fucked sense of humor though, she was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when she was three."

He had to take a breath, no one knew about this part of his life. He picked up the coffee cup, rolled it around in his hands, waiting until his voice felt steadier. Amber never uttered a word, just watched him, with sad eyes.

"They did, ya know, all the treatments, I guess, I mean I was little so I didn't really understand. Just I know even then I thought it was fucked up that dad was a doctor, a fucking cancer doctor and Bethy... he couldn't fix her. He could fix everyone else, in my nine year old mind he didn't want to fix her. She was so small, so fucking small, she never fucking complained though."

He inhaled almost angrily, nostrils flaring as he fought back tears.

"One morning, I was getting ready for school, mamì was making breakfast for Sonya and I, Bethy had these little milk drink things Mamì put into a tube, anyway, Dad asked me to go wake up Bethy, see if she wanted to come down for breakfast. She was six then, she fucking made it to Kindergarten. I went up, and she..."

He choked on a sob, tears flooded his face. He hadn't spoken of Bethy, ever. He'd never talked about it, even in the family counseling they all went too. He just sat, like a zombie as the world went around him.

"I'm sorry. I've, never... um... I've never told anyone about this Amber." He was sincere, she wiped her own tears away and patted his hand. She stood and scooted her chair closer to him, rubbing his back. The flair of anger was back, why was she fucking nice?

"She knew it was coming. She fucking knew, her little body was giving out. She told me goodbye Amber. She was my princess, my best friend. I played fucking Barbie dolls with her, tea party, dress up I didn't care. If do anything for her to smile. Sonya, she tended to Mamì, Dad was vacant, just going through the motions. Me, I took that role I guess, everyone seemed to avoid her. They didn't want to make her tired or whatever. She wanted to go to school more than anyone I'd ever known. That's all she wanted, to go to school, to make friends. In walked her to school the first day, all the way to her classroom."

He was crying and smiling now, he didn't even care anymore.

"She was so beautiful. He hair had grown back some. Mamì had it cut in a cute way. She had a huge pink bow, I had put it in her hair that morning, she loved that bow. When she didn't have hair, it had a band around it she'd pull it over her head, but I cut the band off for her... hot glued one of mamìs hair clips to it. Got a spanking for messing in mamìs stuff but it was worth the smile Bethy had when I gave her the bow. She smiled so much that day, I can still hear her. Dank you Juan. You're the bestest brodder! Her little arms hugged me so tight. Anyway, that night before bed, I always would read to her and Sonya, I read them a book while Mamì cleaned up the kitchen. Dad had to go to the hospital for an emergency, he was the on call that week. Anyway..."

He blinked away tears. "Micheal, it's okay. Thank you for sharing with me." She tried to be reassuring but she really didn't know what else to say.

"I hugged her goodnight, but she didn't say goodnight. She said goodbye. Goodbye Juan, you're the bestest brodder. I remember looking at her thinking she just misspoke. She was six,  she didn't know what she was saying. I just said goodnight again. Told her she was my favorite little sister. She was gone the next morning. I still feel guilty, if I had told Mamì, she could have taken her to the hospital. I mean I know that's not the case as an adult. Mamì has told us since then, Bethy had stopped treatments. They were making her sicker and the cancer wasn't stopping, they could keep doing them and prolong her life but she'd be miserable for a year or two. Mom and dad, let her decide and she chose to stop them. She wanted to be normal, go to school, look normal. She made it a whole year Mamì said without treatment, they just managed the pain. I think she was at peace when she went, I don't think she was in pain. I remember the panic, screaming and screaming for her to wake up. Mamì didn't even cry, like she knew, she must have been prepared. I wasn't. I remember laying in bed next to her and no one made me move. I yelled at the nurses when they came to prepare her for transport, I wouldn't let them take her. I missed a month of school, I wouldn't leave her room, I locked myself in there after her funeral. Mamì and Dad would try to get me out. I made them bury her with her bow, it made her feel pretty and she would have wanted to be pretty for Jesus. Mamì hated that bow, it was so big and gaudy, didn't match anything." He stifled a small laugh at the memory of the giant thing.

"I insisted so finally they relented and let the funeral home put the bow on her. She didn't look real Amber, laying there, more still than a kid should ever be."

He wiped his face.

Dad wasn't the same after that either, none of us were. They put the house up for sale that summer, we moved to real house with a yard in upstate New York. I went into Middle school that year, and started over, we all did. I didn't want to be the nerd anymore, no one here knew me, no one knew about Bethy. People wouldn't look at me with sympathy anymore. Before all of this, I was always reading, I had friends but most people picked on me, until Bethy.  I would just get lost in books, another world, then Bethy died and I became the kid with the dead sister. At this new school I fell in with the wrong group, some older kids, it was fun at first, I felt cool ya know."

She nodded. Her phone went off loudly in the lobby, disrupting the atmosphere they had developed. She blushed a little and apologized turning away to answer it.

"That was my boss, he wants me to cover a shift. I'm going to tell him no, but I want you to come with me somewhere. Anywhere that's not here, my place, the beach wherever. I want to hear your story, but maybe somewhere that isn't so crowded." She offered a smile and patted his arm letting him decide.

He nodded, sitting the cup down. "Yeah, that's cool. You feel safe with me at your place?" He tried to joke but he was serious. He didn't want her to pity him, that was the last thing he deserved, he certainly didn't want her to feel safe just because he was a crying mess over his childhood.

She smiled at him though, standing up. "Safe enough. Weapons stay in your car, and I text my roommate that you were coming over. Wasn't really my boss. Sorry." She pushed some hair behind her ears and smiled shyly.

He nodded accepting the fact that she would take precautions, he couldn't even be mad. Really he didn't have to go, he could give her an out. Just get into his car and start towards Nebraska. He was leaving today anyway. Right?