Kiribaku Oneshots

❤ YOU WANNA KNOW THE WORST THING ABOUT THE ROMAN EMPIRE?! ❤

So, my friend, _JellyBelly360_, is not okay. Anyone who knows her personally would know this. But we love and appreciate her. So, this is something just happened. Randomly. Because Jelbel is... good lord. So, allow me to present to you the crack run Jelly's brain went on.

Thotsuki Bakuhoe's POV

Shitty Hair and I decided to hang out in the common area tonight instead of our dorms. Why? Because why the fuck not. You can't control me. We were just sitting there, talking. I was telling Shitty Hair about this dumb dare someone made me do in middle school that actually evolved into something.

"So, you know about Duolingo, right?" I asked.

"Well, duh." Shitty Hair said before putting a hand on his chin as if he were thinking. Even having him pretending to think is dangerous, honestly. "Hm, you missed your Spanish lesson! You know what that means! Latitude: 61.32967, longitude: -101.21617. Consider this a fucking warning."

(A/N: I literally looked up a random latitude and longitude thing, so if you live there, sorry!)

"I'm not gonna bother asking how you got those damn coordinates." I sighed. "But, in middle school, I was playing truth or dare, since we had nothing better to do at lunch. And one of my dares was to learn another language, no English. It had to be something else. So someone had suggested French."

"Oh, so do you speak French now?" Shitty Hair asked. "Or did you just ignore the lessons."

"Who do you think I am? Dunce Face? Of course I can fucking speak French. I finished the goddamn lessons and I am now considered fluent. So suck it." I scoffed.

"Wait, seriously? You can speak French  fluentl--" "Oui, je peux parler français. Pensez-vous que je vous mentirais? Non. Alors tais-toi, putain de beau requin." I said, so happy he doesn't know french. (Yes, I  speak French. Do you think I would lie to you? Non. So shut up, fucking beautiful shark.)

"Whoa! That's so cool! That honestly sounded pretty fucking hot." Shitty Hair said, making me jump a bit. Is he serious?

"No homo, though."

Dammit.

"Tch, yeah yeah. Whatever. Alors moi, évidemment, flirter avec lui pendant sept mois signifie--" (So me obviously flirting with him for seven months means--)

Before I could finish what I was saying, Shitty Hair shot up off the couch. "YOU WANNA KNOW THE ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE ROMAN EMPIRE?!"

"Shitty Hair, what kind of shock therapy did Dunce Face try and give you to make you randomly do that?" I asked, fighting back a smile.

"JULIUS CAESAR!" Shitty Hair said, ignoring me entirely.

"What?!" I asked, standing up.

"JULIUS CAESAR SUCKED! SEPT, WHICH IS FRENCH FOR SEVEN, IS THE PREFIX FOR SEPTEMBER! OCTO, EIGHT, OCTOBER! NOVEMBER CORRELATES WITH NINE, DECEMBER CORRELATES WITH TEN!"

"Well, no-- wait, you know Fre-" "THAT ISN'T IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW, KATSUKI! I'M BUSY FUCKING SCREAMING ABOUT JULIUS - BITCHASS - CAESAR!" Shitty Hair was yelling by now.

"HE DECIDED TO JUST MAKE TWO MONTHS NAMED AFTER HIM, AND DECIDED TO DICK EVERYONE OVER BY SHOVING THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN YEAR!"

I don't think I've ever heard Shitty Hair curse this much, yet here he is, getting angry at a guy who got stabbed in the back and made a salad.

"Shitty Hair--" "AND HE ALSO MADE A DAMN SAL--" "SHITTY HAIR!" I yelled.

"WHAT?!" he yelled back.

"Guys, can you not scream?" I heard that fucking octopus guy say. "I was hoping I wouldn't hear you guys tonight like every other night, but here we are."

"What are you even down here for?" I hissed.

"Tokoyami woke me up. He asked me to get him eggs." Octopus guy deadpanned, going into the fridge.

"Why?" Shitty Hair asked.

"He wanted to see his brethren or something. But Dark Shadow would fuck him up if he came down here." Octopus guy shrugged, pulling out the egg carton.

"What the fuck kind of drugs is Bird Brain hitting?" I scoffed.

"I honestly wish I knew. But here we are." Octopus guy shrugged. He trudged off, about to go watch Bird Brain do something with eggs.

"Back to what I was gonna say," I sighed, looking back at Shitty Hair. "Do you know Fr--" "Non, je... ne parle pas... français. Non." He said, stumbling over his words. (No, I... do not speak... French.)

His pronunciation was also shit.

"Work on your pronunciation, dumbass." I scoffed, flicking his head.

"Ow! Pourquoi?!" Shitty Hair groaned in pain.

Then it hit me. It hit me like a pile of bricks.

"Did you understand what I said earlier?" I asked nervously.

"What? About the flirting? No need to! I've been flirting back, actually." Shitty Hair beamed.

"Lemme guess, you're gonna say no homo." I sighed.

"Fuck it. Homo. All the homo, my bromo." Shitty Hair said, hugging me tightly, his face closed to mine.

My breathing hitched and I just closed my eyes tight, hoping he'd kiss me.

Chu~

I felt a small peck on my right cheek. I opened my eyes.

There was Shitty Hair, a big, shit-eating grin on his face.

"The fuck was that?!" I asked, feeling my face heat up.

"Wait, what? Did I read it wr--" "I'll kiss you right on your goddamn mouth, you bastard!" I growled.

"Whoa, wait a sec, Bakubro. You sure you're okay with tha--"

I cut Shitty Hair off by putting my lips on his. It was my first kiss, and probably his.

I pulled back after a few seconds.

"There. We done yet?" I asked.

"Was..." Shitty Hair trailed off, eyes wide, a finger against his lips. "Was that your first--" "SO WHAT IF IT WAS?!" I shouted defensively.

"I could tell." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

His laugh was sweet and cute, but he pissed me off.

"DIE!" I yelled, explosions crackling from my palms as I put my hands of his shoulders.

"Dude, wait, no, I'm sorry!" Kirishima laughed, tears forming in his eyes.

"You think this is fucking funny?" I asked, just getting angrier.

"Actually, yes. Precisely." Kirishima said.

"FUCK YOU!" I growled.

"Okay!"

♤ 979 words ♤

Shortest one yet! Y'all are gonna get attacked with fluff, so enjoy! I do want some more requests, though. Pinterest can only do so much, y'know? -Septic