greed•y - billie eilish

thirteen

finley

Billie hadn't called after she hung up last night and I hadn't gotten out of bed since morning, it was two now? Maybe three I don't know I hadn't checked the time or my phone I really hadn't even checked if she texted.

I knew I should get up but my body suddenly felt too heavy to just roll to the other side of bed, I knew it was one of my episodes I knew I should get up.. but I couldn't.

Maybe I'm manically depressed.. maybe I'm just depressed and Billie was the one to slightly mask it, who knows what I am it's not like I've really been to the doctor for it except having pills shoved in my face I guess that's free heath care for you.. it isn't like we'd ever be able to afford it anyways.

I frowned as I stared off towards my closet door looking over the same mirror that had been there for years, I felt tired but too tired to take the energy to fall asleep, I don't know why it's not like I've done anything today.

"Finley?" "Hey, are you in her-" My brothers voice cut off once he saw me laying in bed the instant disappointment on his face making me shiver as I looked at him with a blank expression "What happened?" He breathed his eyebrows furrowed in worry and confusion, I let out a shaky breath shrugging my shoulders before turning back over my face half way hidden into the pillow.

"Finnie please don't do this... please." He pleaded with a sigh his voice laced with desperation.

"Is is Billie?" "Did she do something?" He asked raising his voice slightly out of irritation before plopping down beside me on the bed his hand resting near the middle of my back, I shook my head no too tired to really answer him, I wish he'd just go away I wanted to be alone.

He sighed shaking his head his thumb brushing over my shirt in comfort, I knew he was anger at me, he just never showed it but I guess he couldn't help it he's never known what it feels like to feel this way, to feel so empty inside for no real reason to always feel upset, disappointed and exhausted yet never really having an understanding why.

"You've got to take your fucking pills." He sighed before standing from my bed my eyes watching his rush into my bathroom to go through my medicine cabinet the orange bottle I despised held tightly in his hands.

"No." I finally spoke my voice raspy, he scuffed with disbelief tossing the pills beside my head as I looked up at him shaking my head.

"Take the fucking pill or I'll shove it down your throat." He threatened I sighed shaking my head again barley giving him a second glance before gazing over at my dusty bedside table.

"Take them Finley!!" He roared causing my shoulders to jump my eyes widening "I'll throw them up." I spat shoving off from beside my head listening to the bottle hit my floor with a thumb.

"You know what!?!" "I can't fucking stand this shit Finley!!!" "Im done trying to fucking help you when you don't even want to help yourself." "Are you just going to lay there until you fucking die?!!" "What's your plan?!" He screamed his face growing hot with anger while I just stared at him blankly his words crushing my chest as he continued.

"I think you kind of nailed it." I mumbled with the shrug of my shoulders earning a scuff from him "You're such a fucking smart ass, I'm trying to help you!" He snapped the pill bottle he had picked up off the ground rattling as he gestured his hands around wildly.

I watched him angrily spat out words before he left my room my door slamming shut behind him, I sighed letting my eyes fall closed feeling the stinging pain of tears welling up in my eyes my lip quivering as the pain in my chest continued.

I finally let out a whimper into my pillow curling my legs up to my chest as I sobbed already feeling the headache I'd gain after.

My body ached I felt as if my legs would shatter if I stood up, I needed to pee but I also needed to pee two hours ago maybe my kidneys would fail eventually, maybe that's what will kill me.

Hmm that would be a shitty way to die, all because I couldn't get up to fucking pee.

Tears pooled up on my pillow case causing my cheek to slightly grow raw from barley moving it, good god I was pathetic. I understand why Alex's hates me sometimes.

My phone buzzing beside my bed startled me from the position I was in, I knew it was Billie it had to be, but I was too scared to look or answer.

I let it the phone ring until it stopped buzzing only to let it go on two more times before it finally annoyed me and I answered.

"Hello?" I sighed cringing at the own sound of my voice "Finley what the fuck?" She answered sounding just as annoyed as Alex was a few moments ago.

"Are you ignoring me or some shit?" "I've been texting you all day." She huffed the tears that built up in my eyes blurring my vision.

I covered my mouth with my hand in an attempt to keep myself silent as she continually called my name in confusion a small whimper passing my lips.

"Finley?" "Angel, whats wrong?" She asked her voice changing completely in a matter of seconds "I don't know." I whimpered another cry passing my lips as tear after tears flooded my flushed cheeks the pain in my chest worsening as moments went on.

"I don't want this anymore, I don't want to feel like this.. I just.. I-I need it to end I want it to end." I cried desperately trying to catch a breath as I hiccuped "What to end love?" "What are you saying?" She whispered her voice so soft and comforting I wish I could just listen to her every second.

My heart was racing as was my mind, irrational demented, insane, impulsive thoughts bouncing through my brain as I let out short breaths tears rolling down my cheeks one by one in streams.

"W-What if i-it was like f-fast like.. I-I wouldn't e-even feel it I-I could just be free and o-okay.. I just want to be free." I cried loudly barley being able to catch a breath over how upset I was, I was on the verge of making myself panic.

"No, no, no." "Finley, no stop." She panicked I could hear how scared she was through her voice, I was scaring her.

"Don't say that shit Finley, listen to me, don't do something fucking stupid." She ordered her voice raising in worry "Take a deep breath, alright?" She breathed slightly calming her voice she was taking breaths with me as I nodded tears still flowing but my breaths calming from the panicked pants I was experiencing a moment ago.

"I know, I understand okay this shit it fucking sucks but don't think stuff like that, I don't want you gone alright?" "I want you here, you're my friend remember Finley?" "You can't leave a friend." She muttered softly her voice still shaky, I could hear it in her voice how much I scared her, I knew shouldn't have said any of that, I didn't think she'd care so much.

"I won't, I promise." I whispered wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand my eyes watching the ceiling fan twirl above me "You better fucking promise, you scared the hell out of me Finnie." She mumbled a smile breaking out on my face at the nickname she used.

I heard a sigh and a soft groan a frustrated from Billie my eyebrows furrowing before she spoke "You can't live like this, you need to fucking live, I'm tired of calling or texting and hearing that you're doing the same damn thing in the same fucking place with the same boring people." "You need to be happy, I want you happy." She spoke like it had been on her mind or while, I opened my mouth to reply but couldn't find any words to respond with before she spoke again.

"If I get you a ticket will you stay with me for at least a week?" "You need to know what living feels like and what you're living now isn't living." "You deserve to be happy Finley.."

~C ♡