greed•y - billie eilish

thirty four

finley

"Shit, Finley wake up." Billie's voice rang in my ears I furrowed my eyebrows into my pillow cuddling closer to what I thought was Billie but ended up just being my second pillow "Wake uppp." Billie sighed my head popping up when she smacked me with another random pillow I had.

"Get the fuck up bitch we've got cleaning to do before we shop." She told me smacking me a couple times more I looked up at her with a glare my hair hung in front of my face obnoxiously, she laughed at my messy hair plopping down on the bed beside me "We've got to get this room done before I leave." She told me scooting a bit closer.

I sighed at the thought rubbing the tired out of my eyes before I stretched followed by a yawn "You're cute." Billie smiled placing a kiss to my cheek that made me blush, "Where are we supposed to go to get shit for my room?" I asked a cheeky smile breaking out on my face that made me arch a brow "Ikea duh." She muttered my eyes widening a bit.

"Deadass??" "I've never been, i've always wanted to go!" I rambled in excitement she chuckled under her breath nodding her head "Lets get to cleaning then so we can go." She rushed me moving her arms wildly to get me to move.

I rolled at my eyes at her attempt to rush me sitting up out of bed stretching my arms with a yawn my eyes looking over my room.

Only now had I noticed the boxes Billie had put in my room I assumed for the little things I needed to declutter.

"I think the closet is the best place to start." She muttered opening the two doors revealing my clothes and piled things stuffed together in boxes and random bags.

I sighed my stomach turning at the thought of looking through any of it, there was a reason the many thing in there haven't been touched, anything I held an attachment too and anything I wanting to forget about was brimmed to the point of disaster all in that tiny space.

My eyes watched her nervously as she reached for a box in the closet setting it down before grabbing another and sitting down on the carpet "We can go through it find the things you don't want and find the things you do." She told me, I nodded chewing on my bottom lip before sitting down beside her my heart pumping rapidly as she opened the box, my anxiety was sky rocketing knowing she was touching my things.

I trusted her I trust her with anything but my personal things have always been an attachment to me that I can't understand.

She smiled pulling out a photo album and a small dusty stuffed bear, my stomach twisted taking the album from her hands, she frowned when she wasn't able to open it her eyebrows furrowed.

"I'll keep this one." I told her quickly shifting to put it in the keep box, "I wanted to see the pictures." She frowned trying to grab it again "it's just baby photos." I sighed pushing the box far enough so she couldn't reach.

Her eyebrow arched with a smile sitting up on her knees "Oh come on now I have to see them, I want to see baby Finnie." She pouted with puppy dog eyes as she tired to take peaks at the book that was thrown into the box.

"I don't want to right now." I muttered shifting my attention to the other random things that scattered around me, Billie frowned at my mood change I could see the confusion on her face and guilt thinking she had done something wrong, I wish I had the guts to speak up at tell her it wasn't her that it was me to that wasn't ready enough to look at those photos despite me putting it off for years and that I wasn't ready to look or even touch the things I've been holding onto for so long.

'Please, I just want to see." She pouted again, I shook my head pushing the box a bit more "I don't want to, Billie."

"What's bothering you?" She asked softly the frown on my face dropping as soon as she questioned me "Nothings bothering me." I whispered refusing to look up at her in fear of bursting into tears because of how much of a cry baby I am.

"There's been something bothering you since yesterday, I can see it in your face." "Tell me whats wrong, my love." She sighed reaching over to brush her hand across mine stopping me from grabbing any more of the random things I was rummaging through.

My lip quivered causing me to roll my eyes in anger towards myself, frustration building up in my chest. I clenched my jaw feeling tears burn my eyes, my vision blurring as they built.

"Hey, hey.." She whispered in a soothing voice immediately scooting closer her arm wrapping around my waist "Stop it, I shouldn't be crying I'm so fucking dramatic why can't I just-" I whimpered bringing the back of my hand to my face "Stop, Finley." "Stop getting angry at yourself." She told me sternly her fingers gripping my jaw softly forcing me to look at her "Its okay to be upset, its okay to cry." She told me her eyes refusing to leave mine.

"I want to help you with this, I want to help you through whatever you're feeling and I'm not leaving until you're happy." She whispered, I nodded a rush of tears sticking to my face, I sniffed through my tears bringing the sleeve of my shirt to wipe them away "I just.." "I don't like looking at pictures, I don't like looking through all these things because its just a reminder." "I've spent so long trying to forget, trying to push it all away." I sighed watching her face fall in sympathy.

"Its not healthy to do that to yourself Finnie.." She told me, I let out a laugh that came out as a whimper smiling through the tears that lined my cheeks "That's all I've never known." "I never had my mom to tell me right from wrong, I never had my dads shoulder to cry on." "Its always been me and just me." "Yeah I have Alex but he deals with so much heartache and stress I can't cause anymore damage then what I've already done to him." I told her my chest brimming with pain only causing more tears to fall.

I watched Billie's eyes glass over in tears her lips curling into a sympathetic half smile "I'm here now." "You have me.. and not just me Finley, you have my mom, my dad, Finneas and your brother we all love you." She breathed her head falling onto my shoulder with her arms bringing me in close.

I nodded letting my eyes fall closed feeling safe closed in her warmth "I love you." I whispered her arms giving me a tighter squeeze "I love you more." She giggled brining a smile to my face.

"We can wait on this if you're not ready I understand if you're not." She told me seriously pulling away to look me in the eye. I quickly shook my head wiping at my tears "No, I need to do this." I told her letting out a soft breath before grabbing at the other boxes, she smiled at my confidence nodding her head in agreement.

"Let's get to it then."

~C ♡

I wish depression was noticed but even the loudest in your face scream for help goes unnoticed but who knows maybe someone notices maybe they just don't know how to help :/ it's funny because I thought having the materialistic things and the wants of having a purpose were achieved I thought I needed that to be happy but in the end after I have them still never changed a thing it's distraction I achieved but I still haven't completely figured that out I guess