My Insurgent Life (Completely Fanfiction) Wattys2015

Chapter 1

        The sound of the train riding on the tracks fills my head. It rattles in my mind like the secrets my life holds.

        The events of my life from the Choosing Ceremony until I got on this train, still haunt me, especially the deaths. The guilt has been eating me alive. I don't see how everyone on this train with me thinks I still deserve to live, still deserve to die a peaceful death, several years from now. I strongly disagree.

        Maybe if I had chosen Erudite, I chould've stopped my siblings from starting this war. Or if I had chosen to remain in Candor, I could've protected them better- but I didn't choose either of those factions, I chose to stay out of the arguments and become one of the people that protects everyone from everything else but each other.

        My father and Lamar may think I really belong in Dauntless, but that can't be true, I can't be someone to just stand out of arguments just to stay alive. I don't deserve to live after all of the choices I've made- because I made the wrong one each chance I had to choose.

        Each decision had gotten harder and harder to make, and I wasn't ready for even the first one- my brother's aptitude test results, I had gotten the chance to tell my parents he was lying to them, so many chances, but the first time I had hesitated, that was when the decision had been made.

        Yet, I still can't bring myself to tell my father the truth, I don't think he deserves it right now, telling me to stay away from Lamar when they barley know anything about each other. Or for telling Lamar that his father is still alive. Lamar had just stared at him for a while, finally, he asked him what made him think so. My father explained that Nate had only traveled to Amity and hid, knowing that this war would come. Nate had returned to Candor just days before the war began, in attempt to bring my parents to Amity with him. They had refused, assuming I might return if I knew anything soon enough to do so.

        I had told him to stop, he did, both my father and Lamar understood why. My parents had been disappointed in me for days, or thought I was dead. Too many lies.

        Now I lean on Lamar's shoulder, trying to sleep, I'm sure they both think I've already fallen asleep and don't want to wake me with another conversation. I don't see how I could sleep though, with the shrieks of the train wheels on the tracks, the thoughts whirling around in my head, the guilt eating away at my strength. How could anyone sleep like this?

        I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, listening to the screeching and rattling of the train car. Memories of the past few months flow into my mind, clearer than ever. Everything I've experienced, everything I regret, everything I wish I could forget, all flow through my mind now. I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears, but still, they slip silently past my eyelids and down my face.

        I suddenly hear a snore- my father, I open my eyes and glance at him, his chest rises and falls slowly, and his eyes are sealed shut. I look at the ceiling again, letting the tears fall soundlessly down my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to drift off to sleep myself.

        "Stella," I hear Lamar say. I open my eyes again. I turn my head to look at him and see his eyes locked on mine. "Are you okay?"

        I shake my head briefly. "I don't know." I say. "I don't know if I'll ever be okay."

        I push myself into a sitting position, Lamar's warmth leaves me for a moment, his arm slides around my waist, he pulls me close again, wrapping his other arm around me slowly. I sigh a little and fall against him, trying to forget the past. He tips my head up so I look at him, and kisses me. I kiss him back, throwing my arms around him. He presses me closer until there is no space left between us.