My Insurgent Life (Completely Fanfiction) Wattys2015

Chapter 3

        My eyes flick open, I can barely breathe. I push myself into a sitting position, and lean against the pillows on my bed. My throat aches with urge to scream, but I can't, I souldn't, if I do, everyone in the building will come rushing to me, asking me what's wrong.

        And there is no one subject answer to that- everything is; the dream, the fears, the deaths, and all that I've become. I can't say that to someone from Amity, they'll only make it worse than it already is.

        After a few moments, my thoughts drift back to my dream, how evil my siblings were. Was this just my imagination? Or something much worse? Either way, I have to figure this out, soon.

        I pull my knees to my chest, trying to return the ability to breathe to my body.

        *        *        *

        I can finally breathe again. I glance at the door of my room, just as dark as the rest of the room. And as their souls. A voice in my mind whispers.

        No, I want to scream at it. It was only a dream, it wasn't them.

        I shake my head. Now I've lost my mind, holding myself back from screaming at voices in my head.

        I swing my legs over the edge of the mattress, pushing myself to my feet. I walk soundlessly to the door and pull it open. I step through the doorway, pulling the door shut behind me, silently. I push another door open and walk in, I see Lamar facing me, his eyelids parted just enough to see me.

        "Come on." Lamar says, his voice sluggish. He slides over on the mattress, creating space for me to lie down.

        I walk over to him and lie down, facing him. He wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in warmth.

        "Nightmare?" Lamar asks.

        "Yeah." I reply.

        "What was it about?" His voice had lost the sluggish tone now.

        So, I tell him, including every detail, occasionally pausing to hold back tears.

        Lamar pulls me closer. "That won't happen," he says, "neither of them would want to kill you."

        I close my eyes. "It isn't that I don't want them to kill me," I say, "its that they want to kill you."

        There is a long silence.

        "Do you care about my life more than yours?" His voice isn't calm anymore, he sounds . . . irritated.

        I open my eyes again, his expression shows his irritation as well. "Yeah."

        "Why?"

        I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back the tears for a few moments. "Because," I say as the tears start to fall. "I shouldn't be alive right now, everything I've done proves that I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve to be happy ever again if I continue to live. I deserve only to grieve, and hurt for the rest of my life and-"

        "Stop," he says, "just stop it."

        I shake my head. He is right. Part of me just can't accept that I"m alive whether I deserve or want it or not.

        "You know its true, though," I say, defeated by the part of me that is determined to die.

        He shakes his head. "No," he says, "it isn't."

        The tears continue to fall. "I . . . I can't." I say through my sobs.

        I feel his hand on the side of my face, his thumb moves over my cheek-bone. "Stop," he says, "you can't really believe death is what you deserve."

        But it is. The death wishing part of me hisses.

        It isn't! The other part screams.

        "You have to realize," he continues, "nothing bad that's happened to us is your fault. You shouldn't feel like you deserve to die just because these things have happened to us and you were involved."

        I press my palms to my eyes, I need to overcome this, I need to overcome the part of me that says I need to die to fix everything that's happened. I need to let the truth reach that part of me and kill it. The grief will live on forever, of my mother dying, of killing Zach, of knowing my siblings have ended so many lives in the past few days, of leaving Alice and Grace and Anthony at Erudite headquarters to find their own way to live, but that shouldn't mean I have to live the rest of my life blaming myself.

        Wait- we left Alice, Grace, and Anthony at Erudite headquarters. With my brother and sister. And Dauntless traitors. Without warning. This is bad, we left them. Just left, and they could be dead now, because of us.