A dream hidden behind a sweat shirt

Chapter sixty six

*her prospective*
He had fell asleep his hand gently laid in mine. I knew he cared for me. I did too. I liked him a lot and yet I just couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. And even when I did, it was difficult and I never wished to do it again. Because everytime I thought of him and my feelings towards him I'd get guilt swarming into my stomach. How could I like someone when the guy that held my heart is in the hospital? In a coma I may add. Still liking me. I mean he said he loved me, but I don't really beilieve it. I knew one time he did love me. And I always had loved him. But ever since he forgot about me and lived his life the love isn't mutual anymore. I know for a fact you can't fall in love that quickly. It takes time. The saying itself "love at first sight" is a myth. Love takes time. I sent a quick prayer up to help me with my troubles. I looked over at Timothy who was fast asleep. I was so lucky to have him in my life. I rubbed small circles on his soft skin. I brought his knuckles up to my lips and kissed each one. A small smile formed on his sleeping face and I got up and left to go visit with my mum.

A week had passed. Jasper was still in a coma. His family said after two months they'd pull the plug. I couldn't believe it. That was too little of time. I had wept a little but felt a tiny bit of happiness. Yet that made me cry more thinking I'm a horrible person for wanting someone gone. Over the week I had spent a lot of time with my mum and Timothy, meaning that me and Timothy had gotten closer. He really understood me and I was starting to like him more with each day and that frightened me. His hair had grown a little and now swept over his eyes lightly. He always wore a smile around me and that made my heart flutter, just thinking about it.
Cassidy had came and visited and was currently staying at my home with the two little girls and Andrew. They where peaceful now that there relationship had no harm in it. They where always smiling and the way he looked at her made me get butterfly's only because I knew that Timothy looked at me with the same look. Yet that small amount of guilt was still piercing through my feelings letting everyone know it was still there. Everyone didn't know I was in a battle with myself. Between liking someone and guilt, I hoped I could get an answer soon.

It had been a day since the news with jasper and pulling the plug happened we where still devastated but the news I just got was even more heart wrenching. I was in my hospital room in my moms arms. She rubbed circles on my back and cooed encouraging words. The doctors had just said that there had been no response or signs of pulling through with jasper. It had nearly been a month and a half of him being in a coma and his family decided to try for three months and after that they'd pull the plug.
"Honey it's okay." My mom kissed the top of my head and I sobbed harder my body collapsing against hers.
"Shhh baby you gotta stop crying."
"I'm a horrible person." I managed to say inbetween sobs.
"Why is that honey?" She ran her hands through my hair and wiped my falling tears.
"Mommy I feel somewhat happy, I like Timothy a lot. And jasper being gone will let my know which one is right and that makes me happy. Therefor I'm a horrible person for wanting someone I love gone." I sobbed some more.
"Honey I don't believe you love him."
"But I do!"
"No otherwise you wouldn't feel this way, you may strongly like him and think you love him but it sounds like you have to convince yourself that you love him anymore. I don't believe he is right for you." My mum always knew what to say. I wrapped my arms around her neck and cried in the crook of her neck.
She soothed me down and I said I was gonna go get in the shower.
I walked into the bathroom and looked in the hospital mirror. My face was now splotchy from crying. My eyes where swollen and the pupils held sorrow sourrounded by bright green irises. My short black hair had grown a bit and now curved down the side of my face. The blackness of my hair reminded of him doin this to me. I pulled at it and tears threatened to spill out. Yet I swallowed them back. My plump lips quivered and the coldness nipped at my skin sending shivers down my spine and the hair to stand up on my neck. I sulked down on the floor and curled up in a ball. Why was I left with the memory's? Why me? Why did I get stuck with that childhood? Why couldn't I have a normal childhood? Why did I have to mature so quickly? All these questions swarmed in my head. I laid my head down inbetween my knees.
Sulking here on the marble floor wouldn't help me at all. So I got up and ran the shower peeling my clothes off my sticky grimy body. Climbing into the shower the falling water burned my skin but I felt to numb to notice. I'd had my fair share of pain, it didn't hurt anymore.
Not like it used to. I sulk down to the flooring of the shower. The cold white marble feels like ice against my burning skin. My arms fit almost like they where made to go around my legs which are curled up to my chest. I rest my head on my knees and close my eyes letting darkness souround me. I hum a song and slightly move to it. My mind thinking searching for unknown answers. It's funny, you sometimes think you need to make a decision right away. Yet you make decisions everyday, wether it's a Starbucks drink or a decision between life or death. You make them everyday sometimes not even thinking about it. So now I'm agreeing to let life carry me down the path and I shall make decisions later. It's not like jasper is going anywhere, I have time.
I slowly stand up and scrub my scalp with the bubbly shampoo. My mind wandering to random topics. Once I step out onto the plush towel I take the other towel and wrap it around my head while drying off my body. The fabric brushing against my smooth skin.
Gathering up my clothes I individually put each article of clothing on my body and blow dry my hair.
Coming out of the fog covered bathroom I decided to try and visit jasper.
I walked down the lonely halls. My feet clapping against the grey marble flooring. The shading of the floor drizzles out into white same with all the other colors in the building. Sucking all the life and beauty of color out of it.
Before I'm ready I'm standing at the entrance of his door. My hand raised ready to knock. Yet the door swings open. My mouth falls slightly and I stare at the red haired woman with blotchy cheeks and swollen eyes. Jasper's mother. She glared at me with such hatred that if looks could kill I'd be dead. Or as the saying goes; if looks could kill I'd be under six feet.
"You did this to my son, if you had never agreed to leave with that mad man and if my son wasn't a love sick fool over you then he wouldn't be in this mess and you'd be alone to face it not my dead son to do it for you." Venom dripped from her words. I could tell the sympathy she once had for me was long gone and now replaced by hatred. But I understood her, it was my fault this happened. I thought I was Savin people when really I only put there lives in danger more.
I just nodded my head. Her words hurt but I've heard worse so tears weren't threatening to spill over.
She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at me.
"I suppose you want to see him?" She spat at me. Yet I didn't wince at her words. Sure they hurt and sure i felt tiny under her gaze but I held my ground. Instead of saying something mean back I just nodded my head.
"Well too bad-" she was cut off by her husband appearing and putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Honey invite her in, I'm sure she already feels horrible and you insulting her isn't making the problem better." He rubbed her back as he said this and kissed her cheek. She seemed to calm down but then her anger roared back up. A look of disgust crossed her face as she looked down at me and she huffed.
"Well I'm not being in the same room as her." She stomped past me knocking my shoulder so I stumbled back.
"Sorry about my wife." I just smiled and shrugged it off. I didn't feel like talking at the moment so I just walked in. Tabbitha was sitting in the uncomfortable visiting chairs and as soon as her eyes landed on me the same look her mother gave me crossed her face. She scoffed and walked out as well. Giving me the stink eye all the way out. Ender sat in the corner. His big brown eyes looked up at me. Only for the first time I didn't see sympathy or hatred or disgust I saw pure understandment. He stood up from his dark corner. Whipped his head to the side as if to clear all the hair from his face. Walked over to me and opened his arms. I didn't know ender that well but I did know he was silent and kept to himself most of the time. I studied him for a bit. His dark brown eyes where rimmed with red and I knew he'd been crying. His brown hair swept a little over his eyes yet was pulled up in some places like he'd either been sleeping or had been pulling at it. His lips where chapped from continuely biting and licking his lips. His nose was also a bit red and he looked broken. I walked into his arms and decided to let it all go. Let my past go, let my heart breaks go, and let my pain go. I'd let my tears and every emotion that has wavered through my body go. I sobbed into his shoulder and he rubbed small circles on my back. I don't really know why I was crying into a strangers shoulder, but it felt comforting. He whispered in my ear.
"I know I know it hurts but we can make it through I'll be your friend the whole way through." I pulled away and wiped my tears away. Breaking the hug. I said thank you and then walked over to jasper. His sleeping body laid peacefully. Yet he looked dead. He was all healed except his ribs and a broken hand and leg. He laid there limp. His breathing was shallow and his cheeks had sunk in leaving his cheekbones. His blonde hair went over his face and his lips where slightly parted breathing in and out. I touched his big hand excepting the tingles to spread up my arm and make my heart flutter. But I was disapointed to only feel his skin. His hand was cold and limp in my hand. I rubbed small circles looking at his face. I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed it. I then nodded at ender and Jasper's dad. I walked out and walked back down the bright hallway. I was confused with how I didn't feel the tingles. Was it because he wasn't conscious? Or was it because our love didn't exsist anymore? I simply didn't know anymore. And I didn't know if I wanted to know.