Life of A High School Student

Chapter 9: Revelation

A/N: Hi Readers, for this chapters of Life of a High School student, you are free to skip it as it shows a darker and isolated side to Kiara's view. It's different from her usual personality but it may slowly start to show throughout the story. You may skip this chapter if you want, but if not I hope you enjoy!

9th Week of School

Wednesday...

It's been harder for me, it was so sudden. I was doing so well. What went wrong?

As always I'm doing the best I can to manage everything, but it's gradually getting hard for me to do it all. With me slowly getting distant from my friends and having so much things to do something starts to seem off to me.

I take a deep breathe and suppress the negative feelings I have and head to class. I've started to have a lot of doubt In myself, with all that I've had to do already, I can't let fear get the best of me.

Maybe it's the transition from elementary to high school. But deep down I knew everything was starting to go downhill.

I started to separate myself from everyone else in a way where all I wanted to do was be alone. Jake and Maria had even come over to get me to go out with them but I always declined. Maria was helping with the play so they got acquainted to each other before Jake knowing she was my best friend.

The school work continuously piled up, and my English marks baffled me.

76%

64%

69%

What? How could my marks have gone this low in a short amount of time? I've done everything asked of me, and even made it more detailed. I found out from my feedback though they didn't want detailed, they wanted summarized information, which was hard for me.

I naturally write with a lot of description and always had Straight A's in English, so I thought this program would be good for me. But now I have to rethink how I'm going to do this.

I sigh as I close my laptop. I'm in the library not wanting to be bothered and just lay my head down as I swallow myself up in the isolation.

I'm trying my hardest, but sometimes in doesn't work out the way I want it to. When I Close my Eyes the pain resurfaces.

But My mind, it doesn't work the same as others, and despite trying to constantly convince myself I'm fine...deep down I know I'm not.

People May call me weird, because of their own outlook.
They may hate me for doing something wrong, and I believe them over myself.
Everyday it just continues to get harder for me and my failure to meet my own expectations becomes more unbearable.

It's been months and I hadn't needed to do this until now, bottling everything up in this world is hard.

I'm feeling very conflicted with my emotions, I really can't handle anymore problems, I'll only learn to disappoint, and I don't think that's fair to hurt anyone and that's why I can't accept what's happening. I can't hurt someone again, and I can't hurt myself to that extent again.

I really am sensitive over these types of things because I'm not looking for anything with anyone, I don't want to have that constant pressure of being someone I may not be.

My Insecurity and self worth is diminishing, they act like they understand, but they can't.

When I try to be more opened to her, she tells me to suck it up and stop overthinking things. I wish it was as easy as it sounded, but it's not and I know. I want her to be more empathetic, give me advice but she's only being a realist and that's not what I need. I saw this as an opportunity to open up and she immediately shot it down and it made me angry, I don't know how long this relationship will last because it's crumbling and I don't know what to do to stop it. I have to face the fact that she won't understand me, and she never will, I have to start putting my mask on and smile all the time at school because every single time I'm not in a good mood people don't want to be around me, and that positive smile and persona is the same daily mask I use so I'm accepted. Sometimes it's over exaggerated, maybe I'm just not in the mood but smile anyway or just do it for the sake of others. I want to get mad at her, but I avoid it not wanting to cause conflict, although it might just be making things worse.

I reached out to someone, but they weren't understanding my side to this so I pretended that everything went the way I Planned and thanked them for helping. I had a mental break down today, I shouldn't have, when I'm so emotionless for a long time It just all bottles up and I end up exploding alone. It's numbing and draining, I can't talk to anyone, because I'm scared. I want to be happy, I want to feel free, but I feel more trapped than I ever have been.

Today was stressful, I didn't finish my math test, School was so difficult and it's just making me have more anxiety. I have to finish my math, and I don't want to get a bad average for math, at least an 82%. I have to keep trying though, that's the only thing I can do. Hopefully I can pull myself together, I can't start failing again, it'll only make things harder for me. I can accept my friends just as long as they could accept me.

I don't think I'm doing too well, I feel gradually neglected by the second. Maybe the best thing to do is stay in my room and drown in my thoughts, that way I'm not bothering anyone and the only one who would suffer is me.

My mental state isn't always the best, I can act like I'm fine, but I know I'm not. I just wish someone would see through it, the smiles, the person behind the mask, and the me that's falling apart.

In the end, I have to believe things will get better