the dawn of us

the dictionary of age

when i was 5 years old
i learned what selfish meant

in an array of
fuck you's and "love affairs"
selfish was the bad word
no one chose to mention

i remember when i
asked my parents
what it meant

a day after
a night filled with voices
like loud gunshots

how that word came with
shivering shoulders
and doors to hide behind

i remember how one night
i promised god
i wouldn't be selfish

that my family
is better than any boyfriend

when i was 7 years old
suicide joined my dictionary

there were notebooks
filled with sad lies
black and white pictures

on how
i'm not fine

i remember
how much i threatened
death

that it was my first option
before living

how much i
paper cut my own hands

how much i
cried myself a river

at 9 years old

they told me
what i saw
was
rape

they told me
he wasn't the
superhero
that i always thought he was

but then again
he had always
been the bad guy
in all of my movies

watching his wrists
be chained up
for a claim
i'll never know
if true

at 10 years old
we loved to throw around
the word: slut

then again
the word slut
had always been the ball
we loved to throw
at each other

at age 11
they told me
about resilience

and how it didn't matter
on how hard i could punch

but how hard i can
get punched

at 13
i learned the word
survivor

on how to save up my tears
on how to hold a house
together

on how to
get through

you

i learned
it is possible for
a creator to
hate their work

for them to shred it apart
and expect it to
always glue
itself back together

and as i turned 14
in a year filled with changes

filled with leaving
filled with promises
filled with transformations

i learned
the word
age

and how to fit
in the shoes,
of 14

at 14
i learned
the word strength

i learned how strong i am
without you

i learned
it is possible
to miss somebody
with every bit
of fiber in you
with every cell
and every atom

but i learned
it is the
only thing
making me
stronger

strong enough
to stand
strong enough
to get up

strong enough
to rise from the ashes
of a home that burnt down

and strong enough
to keep fighting

and as a 14 year old
i know i'll only keep getting stronger.