Excerpts From Books that I'll Never Write

excerpt 103

     can someone tell me why it's 11:45 on a school night,  and I'm staying up writing about all my issues on an app where I know I won't get noticed specifically so I can get my feelings out without it mattering?? can anyone tell me why I'm doing this instead of my book report due after break over a book I'm not done reading and my two essays due in a day that I haven't started on?? the wantonness is unreal.
     the sad music playlist is on, creatively titled "Crippling Depression," and I have Lewis Capaldi running through my ears helping my brain convey messages to the rest of me that today's not a good day. I'm the girl with no friends because I'd rather go home and cuddle on my couch with a book then go out and get drunk. I'm the girl who goes on a run for fun instead of throwing on some spandex and hitting a ball over a net. I'd rather go golfing with my grandpa than out partying. I'm the girl where sometimes I remember things I wish I could forget forever. I'm the girl who starts thinking and then goes on a spiral downward until someone pulls her out of it but has no one to pull her out of it. I'm the girl who hates sleeping alone times so she cuddles with a teddy bear even though she's way too old for it. I'm the girl who's family life growing up wasn't great at all and who cries too much at things that hit close to home. I'm the girl who cries during movies and shows and books, even if I've seen or read them before, or even if something is just extremely happy or super sweet. I'm the girl with so many maybes and almosts that it's rather disappointing to think about without wondering why you're here. I'm the girl who can't make a decision to save her life and has no idea what she's doing with her life even though it'd be smart to figure that out soon. I'm the girl who'd rather have a conversation with a group or adults, and hang out with the really little kids, because I don't fit in with the kids my own age. I'm the girl who types all her feelings out on a chapter of a book that no one's going to read because she doesn't know who to talk to or what to do and how to be the person she needs to be anymore. the girl who wants to be herself but also has to be other things for other people.
there's this theory called solipsism because when has anyone ever left anything alone without changing it up a bit? anyways, the theory of solipsism is basically saying that the only sure thing to exist is one's mind. basically that the only thing that exists is you and that everything that happens to you is made up BY you. in my expert opinion, because as a depressed sixteen year old who's writing instead of sleeping at 12:30 on a Sunday night, I have an expert opinion, this theory is kind of crap. if YOU made up everything that happened, there would be no bad. who would make themselves break up with a boy they thought they'd be together forever with, who would kill off a friend or a family member on purpose, who would make themselves go to school on purpose? while i believe the theory isn't worth believing, I do find people's explanations of existence fascinating. I think I'm here because God wanted it this way, how about you?
as you can tell, my mind is a jumbling mess that just goes on and on until I get too tired to function or I find something extraordinary that can distract me enough to stop the process. i love that my idea of seventh grade fame, writing a book on wattpad and becoming a famous author, later becomes a way to vent my feelings because I'm emotionally unstable and no one reads anything I write on here so I know it's safe.