Excerpts From Books that I'll Never Write

excerpt 110

always worry about the girl your gut tells you to worry about. if you have doubts about a guy don't get with him anyway. if you feel like you should stay away then you probably should. if you feel like you should stay home then you probably should. and don't ever ever add them back when you've gotten far enough to delete them. you will never be good enough for some people; this doesn't make you any less of the extraordinary person that you are. sometimes people are just never happy, and you can try and try and try but it will never be enough.
     i have so many feelings that I need to get out, but I cannot. therefore, this chapter is my brain vomit that stays in my brain and keeps me from sleeping and makes me cry till 4 am and keeps me worrying about everything every single conscious moment.
     we are living through events that our kids will learn about in history class. HOW WEIRD IS THIS. and few people our age are giving it the credit it needs. this virus is bad. there are going to be so many people dead. we cannot stop this dark disease from coming, and it's coming. it's coming, and it's going to take people I love and end lives that don't need to end.
     and, of course, we love a girl with daddy issues. do you know how much it hurts to not be loved by someone whose cells created you? it causes an unfathomable amount of pain. i sit here, and i know it's his fault and not mine. i know this isn't my fault, it's not my fault, none of it's my fault. but I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking, "what if I was a better daughter? what if I tried harder for a relationship with my father? what if he actually means what he says and I'm shoving away a man who is serious?" and then i go through the cycle of being rejected by the man who's supposed to be the first man you love.
     I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm anxious as a turtle on a freeway and I can't talk to anyone about it. no one cares. the one person who always made me feel better, who checked in to make sure I'm okay, who was always there for me no matter what, who came and picked me up when things got to where I couldn't be home, he's gone. he's at boot camp far far away helping our country and being a better person than I could ever imagine being.
     I just desperately want to talk to someone. someone who can make me laugh, cheer me up, keep me from going under. but a) i think they're asleep. and b) I can't get that close with them or it'll hurt a heck of a lot more when it's not a thing anymore.
      I don't know how to be the person I want to be and sometimes I just feel like it's all a dream anyways.