Excerpts From Books that I'll Never Write

excerpt 116

     what happened to us. we were so good. we were doing so good. we were so happy. and then all of a sudden everything changed.
     and what hurts so bad is that I can feel it. I can feel that it's changed, I can feel that we're over, but we're stuck in that in between. Neither of us wants to believe it, or initiate the ending, but it's happening.
     And it's sad because there's so much I wish I could remember. I can't remember the last time we kissed. The last time we hung out. The last time we said I love you. The last time we hugged, the last time we held hands. The last time I saw your family, or the last time we ate a meal together. The last time we cuddled and watched a movie together, or the last time we swam together. I can't remember the last time we called or FaceTimed.
     Technically, the things like that don't mean anything. To most people, it's stupid. You might even think it's stupid. But it means everything to me. Because you have been a jerk lately but I don't want to go without you. And I'm going to have to now, arent I?
     I miss you making fun of me. I miss the way your hand felt when it was holding mine. I miss being wrapped up in your arms. I miss running my fingers through your hair, I miss holding onto you like I'd never let go, I miss your goofy outbursts. I miss feeling like you needed me, like you wanted me there for every second of your future. I miss so much more than this, so many things, and we aren't even over yet, but I can already tell I'm never going to get it back.
     I love your smile. I love your eyes. I love your stupid jokes, I love your family. The list goes on and on. I love how dedicated you are to the things you love. I love your smarts, your laugh, just the sound of your voice. I love how goofy you are and how you aren't afraid to be yourself around me. I love the silly faces you make, and I love all the memories we have. I love everything about you, too much to name, and now you're not mine. Because, after all, I took a break writing and now it's been a day and you aren't my boyfriend anymore.
     I hate the way you could make me feel like nothing with one sentence or a look. I hate the way you would mention things that wouldn't happen specifically because they couldn't happen anymore. I hate the way that I fell so hard for you, multiple times, and it seems like you didn't even trip for me. I hate the way you'd pout sometimes when you didn't get your way. I hate the way you were at the end, acting like we were over but not officially telling me we were. I hate how toxic we were for each other. I hate how I feel like I will never feel the way I felt about you for anyone else. I hate how I feel like I'll always love you so there can be no one else. I hate that you're going to college far away, and you're going to become a big shot who doesn't remember me anymore. But, in the wise words of someone much more famous than me, "mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
     Even though you aren't mine anymore you still told me it was going to be okay after I freaked out and sent you a super long paragraph. You still snap me sometimes, and you didn't unfollow me like you did last time. I just wish we could go back in time because we were happy once. We really truly were. It was great when it lasted but one day it just fell apart. I can't tell you for sure when it fell apart, but one day it did and I've never quite figured out how to put it back together.
     I miss our times together and all the memories I have are soured, and I don't even want to think about them. I can't delete your pictures yet, and sometimes I'll look at them and feel pathetic because they're still there. The problem is I just haven't figured out how to stop loving you yet and I want to be able to look bad at the good times until I do find a way to stop feeling like this about you.
     Even though you fell out of love with me, even though you don't get excited when my name pops up anymore, even though you might forget me once you go to college, even though you're probably going to be way better off without me, even though there's going to be so many different people who say these words to you just know that I will always love you. A part of me will always belong to you because that's how it is when you really love someone, they never really go away. And you will never see this. And you will probably never tell me you love me again. But just know, as cringey as it is and as cliche as it might be, I will always love you, at least a little bit.