Excerpts From Books that I'll Never Write

excerpt 104

     I remember that one time we stayed up too late playing "guess the Disney song" and i didn't plan on falling for you, didn't even know you existed till abt two months before you hit me up actually, but it was 1 am, you were singing Disney songs to me, and guessing the words before me and getting excited when you got it right. i let you have a few times just to hear you get excited, until i had to kick your butt so you'd stop bragging. it was 1 am, we were laughing, having fun, this new boy who came out of nowhere creating a place in my life like he'd been there from the beginning.
      The first time you hit me up I went to bed unbearably early on a Friday night because I had to wake up early for a race, but you had replied before the race began, and you said to win for you. win for the boy i had just met and had never talked to. i won, without meaning to in all honestly. i got first place in the teen age group and when you asked how I did I told you that I got first in my age group, and your response was to send a video of you pumping your first in the air acting all excited, and I had only talked to you for maybe an hour, but I knew I was gonna be in trouble with you. That day was the day you hooked me, the excitement over a win for a girl you had just talked to for the first time.
      and you can't forget the time where everyone found out about us. i couldn't care less about anyone else's opinion—I just cared about my mom and your family's reaction. we were on the phone, you were waiting in the car for your sister, and the whole plan was to end the call when she was walking out. but then, the car door was opening, and your sister, my dear friend who had no idea that we talked at all, let alone liked each other, goes "who are you talking to...oh wait, why are you talking to ken?" And then, in the most poetic way to say it, the beans were spilled. my mom found out, and so did yours. and no, I didn't forget what happened when we were in the early stages of flirting. I didn't forget the fact that you told your dad the ken you were texting was a guy so you wouldn't be questioned about talking to and flirting with a girl, though I don't know what makes it better if it's a guy.
     I remember your mom getting after you for making a short joke once, saying that you needed to treat me like the princess I was. I remember her holding the plate over you, telling you you couldn't eat until you said you were sorry and your fake apology and then her saying you didn't mean it and that you should appreciate me, and you couldn't fight her on it because you were still in recovery from knee surgery and you couldn't move well so you apologized and your mom gave you the plate and then left and you looked at me and said "you're still short."
      I remember the first time you tried to kiss me, us laying beside each other, you looking down at me, you leaning in to kiss me, and me covering my mouth saying "uh sorry can't let you see my double chins." And you shoving me away from you with a laugh saying "really? that's the excuse?"
     but then I remember the first time we did kiss, and me saying yes, I would like to be your girlfriend after you asked me out. I remember you walking upstairs to brush your teeth when I was over because you wanted to kiss me. Your parents asked what you were doing, and they had to know you had plans downstairs because what boy randomly goes to brush his teeth when a girl he likes is over if he isn't going to kiss her? and i remember the taste of your toothpaste afterwards.
     I remember you driving me home, love songs on the radio, my hand in yours, the sun a brilliant array of colors, and talking about everything, trying to make the time last as long as it could. I remember the game we played of "how many stop signs could we kiss at on the way home?" I remember going to your house when you weren't even home just to hang out with your sister until you got there, your sister buying candy complaining that she'd have to hide it before you got home or you'd eat it, and then you walking in the room and leaving with a bag on your head cause I wanted to finish that specific part of the movie with your sister before I went with you.
     I remember staying up with you till you went to bed the night before your surgery. You went to bed about 11, but I stayed up until 1. My alarm went off at 4 am though, because you were nervous and on your way to the doctor to get your surgery. and even though I was so, so tired, I stayed up with you until 7 just trying to ease your mind. and then I couldn't even sleep in, barely slept at all, but it was worth it, because it was you, and you were always worth it to me.
     I remember you saying "you can't get me to sing" when you took me home once, and I put on Queen, because Queen's your favorite and I knew you'd have to. so Bohemian Rhapsody was playing and I was singing along and you were looking at me with that look that guys give girls they love in movies and I thought "I Hope this lasts forever." I hate that you don't look at me like that anymore, that you don't look at me all anymore.
     I remember the first time you told me you loved me, and the cheesy 11:11 I love you snaps you would send me. i remember going through my camera roll after us, thinking they were all gone, and then finding them there and missing you more than I already do. 
     I remember you playing xbox with my brother, not because you wanted to, but because you know I love my family and that it would make me happy to see you two getting along.
      I remember my mom coming to pick me up, and me and you and your brother sitting in the car for a long time just talking to my mom about different things.
     I remember when I brought my favorite movie to your house and we watched it, and I quoted every line, and you hated it because I wouldn't kiss you during the movie, but you still looked at me with that look on your face, the look that guys give girls they love that girls pretend they don't know about. I remember you making me learn how to play fortnite and encouraging me even though I was bad and we both knew it. I remember getting clash of clans cause you had it and I wanted to have something in common for us.
     I remember long paragraphs I would wake up to. I remember you saying how much you loved me and how you don't ever want me to leave, and how you don't know what you'd do without me. though it later turned out to be untrue, I remember it.
     I remember a conversation we had where we went back and forth with analogies about Disney movies. "I miss you more than Anna wants to build a snowman."
"I miss you more than Pinocchio wanted to be a real boy."
"I miss you more than Woody misses Andy"
"I miss you more than Ariel wanted to be a human"
And so on. i might be the only one who misses us now, but I remember when you missed me back. 
I remember when you refused to wear anything but hoodies in front of me because you didn't like how you looked and wanted to hide behind a hood, and I remember the bet we kept up with it. We both wore hoodies just to prove that if you'd go there I would too.
I remember the bad haircut you got, the one that you said made you look like the village water boy, and you weren't wrong, it wasn't the best, but I loved you through the bad haircut. and the fact that you gave up the girl who woke up early with you for surgery so you wouldn't be nervous, the one who was willing to meet your whole family even though you claimed they were crazy, the girl who loved you through the bad haircut, the girl who joined your family bracket challenge and ending up beating you, the girl who loved you with her whole heart, who still misses you even though it's been long enough that she shouldn't.
      I remember the first time I ever saw you close up and in person. I barely knew you existed at that point, I had found out that your sister had another brother about three weeks earlier. We went to your house because your sister wanted to hold the basketball sectional draw party, and, after we found out who we were playing, all the basketball girls played Just Dance. you were sitting in the recliner watching, I was dancing against you sister, not paying attention to you at all. i beat your sister, who claimed she was the best, and then proceeded to brag about my win, and you were there to watch it all. the Just Dance and the ping pong and just see me there, the first you'd seen me up close in general. and the question I have, one of the ones I really want to know, what did you see that first day? did you like that girl? what was your first impression of the girl you saw that day? my friends are in your homeroom. I'd go in there every day because I loved your teacher and my homeroom sucked. what'd you think when you saw me talking to my friends and joking with the teacher and begging if she'd please let me stay in there just one day, even though she always followed the rules and told me no. what did you think, these times you saw me before we were a we? and what do you think now? now that I'm a was and we're a used to be, and you don't love me anymore. what do you think when you see me now?
I remember the day you broke up with me. you didn't want to because I was your first official girlfriend and you didn't know how to break up with someone and you didn't want to hurt me, but you didn't want to date me anymore. i remember how we'd snap in bursts after then, talk for two or three days and then stop, and then start again, and then stop. one time we talked for a solid 14 days, and I know, because we had a streak during that time. I'd be desperately asking if you'd ever date again, and you were trying to deny me in the best possible way. I remember me going off on you for ten minutes straight because you were the first boy I loved, I told my family about you, they loved you, and you fell out of love with me, and I was hurt.
I remember all this and so much more, I remember it all so well, and sometimes it hits me really hard like high tide at the ocean. i remember all this and more because how could I not? how could I forget the perfect boy that appeared in my life without me expecting it? how could I forget the boy who pushed himself into my life and made it seem like there was never a time without him? how could I forgot this boy who wouldn't let himself be forgotten? i remember because I'd do it all again. I miss you and I'd take you back tomorrow if I could but you don't feel the same way at all. I remember it all because I want it back. mostly, I remember it all, because at the end of the day, it's always you. my thoughts go back to you. the only reason why I don't hit you up is because I know you don't want to talk to me and I don't want to get my heart broken by you more than I've already let it. you're the boy I'm staying up too late writing about, because I miss you too much and I can't do anything about it, because no matter how much I try I can't get you out of my head. I can't convince you that I've grown up and so have you and the second time is always different the first and if we give it a chance we could actually be something great. and even if we couldn't work out, maybe I'd feel better, maybe I wouldn't be missing this boy I shouldn't miss, maybe i would have been shown that he wasn't a knight in shining armor, just a regular guy covered in tinfoil.
I don't know why you hit me so hard. all I know is that the love books, the ones that talk about falling in love the way you fall asleep, the ones who talk about him being drizzle and her being hurricane, the ones talking about love taking over and becoming everything, the person like a drug and you're addicted, that person being your oxygen, all the love books have one thing in common: love can be great. it can help you grow and it can be an amazing thing. but it can also destroy you.
my biggest fear is that there's always gonna be someone else. someone I have feelings for, someone who makes my heart do a fireworks show, and even with them I still can't stop thinking about you. there's going to be a someone else, but there's going to be a you too, always there.  i know nothing lasts forever, I don't believe in forevers, but it seems like you were the thing that was supposed to stick and never leave, but you did leave, and here I am, 1 am on a school night writing too much about a relationship that didn't last, a boy who no longer loves me, a happily ever after that never was, in a book that no one reads.