The Acrimony Anomaly [Naruto Fanfic]

Don't Defile Those Dead Bodies!

     Tsubaki swung her legs happily on the railing of the Hokage's private viewing area. The Kazekage, who was also happened to be there but was ignored for the whole scene, had no other choice than to not think about the whole thing logically. There was no point in doing so.

     "Tsu~ba~ki-chan~!" Mei called out mischievously behind her. The woman had been given her own chair- per request of the Sandaime. 

     "I love Gaara, " she promptly stated, not wanting to argue any further, "You can't change my mind."

     "Then what about that kiss?"

     "I was high off of adrenaline and I missed Gaara. Don't blame me but my endorphins... and I could swear that someone gave me hallucinating drugs."

     The woman, although glamorous and a total stud, was getting on her nerves. However, she was more frustrated that Orochimaru hadn't made his move yet. Yes, there were three Hokages, an OP Uchiha, and a random twig user, but that man always wanted a nice Uchiha ass... She couldn't particularly blame him though. Although, she found Gaara's much more appetizing.

     After more of Mei's pestering, Tsubaki let out a strangled cry. "If birds can have calls, then I will have my pedo call. Orochimaru, get your scaly ass out! I want to fight!"

     The last part of her yelling sounded a bit whiny and irritated, though she didn't expect that he would actually hear.

     "Well, well... I ssseeee that sssssomeone is a bit impatient."

      Tsubaki cocked her head to the side where she heard the voice and grinned. It was finally showtime. Sure she cared about the other fights that included her friends but something was going to happen. 

      Tsubaki was going to get to kick someone's ass without holding back.

     The barriers went up around them and she couldn't help but grin. Except something else also happened. The Kazekage and Mizukage weren't on the inside of the barrier. They wouldn't be able to join the fight.

      The onyx eyed girl pointed boisterously at Mei Terumi and stuck out her tongue. "Can't ear-rape me now!"

     "Tsubaki, " the Hokage coughed, "I would rather that you focus on the task at hand."

    "Ah, gomen, gomen, " she muttered, "I got a bit excited."

     "Once I get Ssssarutobi, " Orochimaru hissed, "I'll finally take your body."

     Tsubaki gasped, hands running up and down her body, "I mean, that ASS- still Gaara's is better- but Pedo Police is gonna be catching your case, if you know what I mean."

     "Tsubaki!" Sarutobi barked, "So what's the actually plan?!"

     "There is no plan, " the female Uchiha grinned, "Just go bat-shit crazy- and where the fuck is that fucking Senju! That worthless baby-man better not be trapped behind the barrier!"

     Suddenly, bursting through the ceiling tiles, the Mokuton user coughed, "I-I'm here!"

      "Kami, just because you just have magical chakra twigs doesn't mean you can be late! I already feel like filing a police report because of this bitch's stares..."

     Mei yelled from behind the barrier, "When you have Yagura by your side, he'll be wearing the same expression, just hotter!"

      "My princess is the only one for me!" she retorted, flicking the Mizukage off.

     Tsubaki suddenly flipped backward to miss Orochimaru's attack. "The fuck, man? Can't I at least hold a thirty-second convo with my hoes?"

      "Fufufufu, " was all Orochimaru let out as he grinned wildly.

     "Uhhh..." Hashirama gaped, "I don't know if that's a good sign or not-"

     Suddenly coffins rose from the ground and 'Genma's ' face paled considerably.

     "What?" Tsubaki scoffed, "So the pedo is playing around with bodies. He's into necrophilia now? What a riot! This is why snake bitch doesn't need a plan other than just trying to use all the painful and powerful jutsus on him. He's just way too fucked up."

     "Tsubaki..." the Mokuton user gulped, "I don't think that it's what you're thinking. Why don't you read what is on the coffins?"

     "I don't care, " she sighed dramatically and looked out through the barrier, "I'm more concerned about Gaara. What if this attack kills his cacti? You know all the love and attention he gives them. I even call them our 'flora babies', like you know how those white bitches that don't have kids call their pets 'fur babies.' But I'm not gonna end up like those white bitches because Imma be preggo with his eggo."

      "I think that have other thingsss to be worried about, " Orochimaru stated, clearly ticked off from being made light of.

     She cackled, "No, of course I have to worried about him. I'm to be the one to defile him, after all."

     Cracking her knuckles, she brought out her gunbai, swinging in around once before resting it on her back.

      The third Hokage was struggling to put the graves back, which she still didn't have any idea why. Finally, Tsubaki joined him, wacking the thing into the ground. "Is this what you wanted?"

     "Wake the fuck up, samurai, " she exclaimed to the coffin she was currently beating with her ancient Uchiha gunbai, "We have a city to burn."

     The coffin suddenly burst open, dead body in there of one of the Otogakure nins that had participated in the Chunnin Exams in them. "Ew, ew, gross. I knew that he was into necrophilia, but this is just gross as hell!"

     "Two more, " the Hokage murmured, nodding to Tsubaki, "Aren't you going to utterly destroy Orochimaru now with the... so-called plan?"

     "Fuck yeah, I got the goods. Got me some dynamite so we make this place go straight ka-boom."

     Turning her attention to Orochimaru, she brought out her matching kama and starting slicing away at the snake man, who in turn dodged them. Hashirama just used Mokuton to try and cover up escape routes, but he wasn't doing a very good job. "I knew that Senjus were incompetent, but I didn't know that you were once known as the strongest! Even Hashirama the rat is doing better than you!"

    Actually, the pet rat was currently scratching off Orochimaru's face like crazy, a much better distraction than the thin branches that were being made.

     "It's complete, " the snake-pedo suddenly smiled.

     "Aw hell naw, " she whined, "This is going to be some next level fucked up shit."

     Next thing she knew, one of the lids on the coffins popped off and out stepped the one and only Tobirama Senju.

     The whole place was enveloped in silence as the second Hokage basked in his glory in the living world.

     "Madara, " Hashirama whispered, looking at her.

     "Oh my Kami, " Tsubaki Uchiha muttered, "The Necrophiliac raped Tobirama."

(A/N: Yo, yo, yo, Author-sama back with a quick announcement. It's been a while since I've updated and I am SO sorry. I was just wrapped up in things and couldn't get over the fact that Naruto wasn't the top choice... But I managed to finally pick this back up again! I don't know exactly when my next update will be, but I will try to make it soon. Also, there might be a couple changes to my writing style so... It's just a quick warning. So, until I have the heart to fully commit myself to this novel, I will leave it under 'discontinued' in the description, even if I do update from time to time. Peace out~)