Three Simple Words

Chapter 13

Thomas thrashed against the mattress when sleep finally greeted him, the blankets getting tangled around his wild body. The night was filled with dreams of his father, of death, of God. He dreamed what he felt and it manifested itself into his nightmares. There was no relief for him; even the release of sleep had little to offer him.

When he closed his eyes, he would see everything he had been avoiding acknowledging during the day. Every fear, every decrepit thought would find its way into his mind and into his dreams.

The first night he spent at Jess's house was the worst. As much as he wished for sleep, the fear kept him up and when he was able to sleep, the fear was still there, always there.

At that moment, he truly felt utterly alone even though he knew there was a family willing to look out for him. Even sleeping next to Jess did nothing to ease the loneliness because there was nothing Jess could do to take away the pain.

Pain had an odd way of making a person feel increasingly alone even when they were surrounded by people who love them. And Thomas knew, in the deepest part of his conscious that he was not alone but that did nothing for the subconscious.

That loneliness poured out of him every chance it got because it knew that Thomas couldn't fight it, not on his own, so it continued to manifest throughout the night, growing until it filled the air around him.

He felt like he was suffocating, like the room was closing in on him when the world around him stayed the same. And that was the truth of it; the world did stay the same. Nothing changed; no one noticed a significant shift in the way things were; only Thomas's world had been changed.

Of course, people were affected by the shift in Thomas's world but it didn't change the course of their lives. They still went to work and school; they had people who loved them and asked how their day was, people who cared when they get hurt.

That was the difference between Thomas and the rest of the world, the rest of the world had people who cared about them, but what did Thomas have? He wasn't daft enough to believe that he was alone in his struggle; he knew others were suffering too. He knew this but that didn't change how he felt.

It was around 4:30 am when sleep finally enveloped Thomas in her grasps, fleeting as it may be.

Even though Thomas was asleep, truly asleep, that didn't stop the memories of that day from entering his mind. His sleep soon turned fitful again, the words coming from his mouth becoming jumbled and disoriented. His thrashing became so bad, he nearly hit his head against Jess's bedpost. Jess caught him before anything happened, but Thomas's thrashing didn't stop.

"Thomas, calmati calmati" Jess repeated steadily. Before Jess had gone to bed, he made a quick call to Ash. When Thomas and Jess used to hang out, Thomas always mentioned his friend Ash and eventually the three of them started to hangout.

When he had called, he was hoping that Ash would know what to do, how to comfort the vulnerable boy and that's when Ash mentioned what he used to say to Thomas when he had an anxiety attack.

Slowly Thomas's breathing returned to normal and he stopped shaking as much in Jess's arms. The other boy's eyes flickered open; the astonishment written across his forlorn features. A single tear rolled down the side of Thomas's face, all that he would afford to show.

With great trepidation, Jess wiped away the tear with the pad of his thumb.

Realizing that he was still laying in Jess's lap, Thomas sat up and turned away from the boy, both to hide his pain and also his confusion.

After that, neither of them could really sleep, but they both pretended to for the other's sake and that was how they stayed until the sun rose over the horizon and filled the room with the soft morning light, so different from the harshness of the night before.