Three Simple Words

Chapter 19

Ever since Thomas had been little, he would dream of a moment like this: waking up to the eyes of a beautiful boy whom he trusted more than anyone since his mother pasted.

He tried so hard to not think of the guilt inside of him and just enjoy the moment but it was just too much for him. The pain still ate away at him and every time he thought he would find a little reprieve, the pain would come back with a vengeance. He glanced away from the other boy's emerald eyes looking at a much duller view.

The pair got ready for school without mentioned what just happened and they both seemed content to leave it that way. The week went by the same as it had before, surprising both Thomas and Jess and to be frank Wren as well.

Almost two weeks had gone by and Thomas couldn't believe that it had been two weeks since he was kicked out. Of course, it hadn't gotten much easier, the pain still clawed its way into Thomas's mind and Wren was right there with it.

However, he hadn't been back to the willow tree since that day a week ago and the majority of his cuts had healed. The Saturday morning sun shone on Thomas's face but that wasn't what woke him it. It was the gentle piano music he heard in the background. He had gotten the impression that Mrs. Winther played a little but he had never heard her before.

Turning so he could face the other boy, he realized that he was alone. Looking at the clock, it was only 8:30 but the raven-haired boy was nowhere to be found. An unwelcome panic came over him, one that gripped his heart and wouldn't let go.

He knew it was entirely irrational, Jess probably got up early and went downstairs but for the life of him, Thomas couldn't stop the fear that threatened to engulf him. Even though the light shown through the window, everywhere Thomas looked, the darkness grew closer.

He knew he was starting to have an anxiety attack but once it started, he struggled to control it. As much as he wanted to go look for Jess, he could barely move. The air grew thicker around him, suffocating him, waiting for the life to leave his body.

He had wished for death so many times before but once he was in front of it, all he wanted was life. He could feel the anxiety turning into a panic attack but all he could focus on was the way his lungs struggled against themselves.

Death was almost like a memory, a long-lost dream that he once had. He could never put a name on it but it was always there. He was fighting with everything he had but nothing seemed to work. The pain dragged him down, slowly draining all of the fight he had.

The memories of the other panic attacks flooded back to him. The party he met Ariel at, the night his dad kicked him out and again right now. All he wanted is for it to stop. The pain, the anger, the confusion.

He knew normal was a fantasy but right now that is what he wanted. A life in which he could love who he wanted and have a father that still cared enough about him to care whether he lived or died but most of all he wanted to be loved by God. But whatever he tried; it was never enough.

He tried to believe God loved him and that there were still people who cared about him on earth but it all felt like a well lived lie. He truly didn't want to die and he hated the constant self-pity he seemed to live in but it was almost like he couldn't help it, like it was the only thing keeping him between life and death.

He felt the ground underneath him before he felt his body go down. The cool wooden floor seeped into his body and he curled up against it. He could still feel the bruises of Wren and his father's beatings protest against the solid ground but he didn't give a damn about physical pain. In fact, it was a relief to have something so tangible.

Only distantly could Thomas hear the sudden, final note of the piano but he didn't miss the warm hands against his face or sent of crisp fall smell of Jess. He knew what he must look like, curled into a ball with tears streaming his face. He felt his head begin lifted to rest in the other boy's lap but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes.

The hand brushed his hair out of his face, stroking a gentle rhyme onto Thomas. He could only hear the vague shape of what Jess was saying but his voice was enough to ease some of the effects of the attack. Thomas opened his eyes and was met with beautiful emerald green eyes staring back at him. He was still shaking but in Jess's arms they seemed insubstantial to what they were before.

The position they were in was a bit compromising if anyone walked in but neither seemed to care. "Was that you playing the piano?" Thomas blurted, his voice hoarse from the previous attack which as much as Jess didn't want to admit, was very attractive.

"Yeah, my mom taught me when I was younger" Jess answered, a bit breathlessly. The close proximity gave Jess's heart a small blip in the rhythm. Even though Thomas had enough sense about him to know that he should move his head, he couldn't bring himself to actually do it.

The safety that he felt in that moment was more than all of his father's endearment combined. The way that his head fit perfectly in the other boy's legs was crazy and wonderful at the same time. Jess took a breath before saying something that he knew he would probably regret later on.

"I know you don't want to talk about what happened with your dad or Wren but it might help if you did." The usual confidence replaced with silent trepidation. With a slight reluctance, Thomas sat up staring into the beautiful green eyes before him. The creases in Thomas's forehead was visible even to the untrained eye. He felt all of the grief he had been harboring flood back to him. He knew that he should open up to Jess and he wanted to but something always stopped him.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you, I don't know, I just feel like I can't, you know? Like something is fighting against the words that I want to come out. That sounds really stupid, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I..." Thomas cut himself off when he realized he was babbling.

"Do you mind if I say something" Jess asked with a teasing tone that paralleled their relationship before everything went down. Thomas nodded, a shadow of a smile outlining his face.

"Okay umm, I've never really told anyone this but when I was younger, I had anxiety and depression, not that I don't still suffer from it but it's a lot better. Anyways I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I kind of understand what you're feeling." The sincerity in Jess's eyes scared him but the vulnerability was enough to help Thomas open up a little more than he would like to admit.