Three Simple Words

Chapter 27

Thomas awoke feeling safe, an emotion he rarely felt anymore. He couldn't remember the last time he woke up without feeling constricted by the world around, the people around him.

Maybe it was the arm that was around him, the sleeping face that lay mere inches from his face. He didn't mind though, as much as he wouldn't admit it, he had dreamed of what it would be like to wake up in Jess's arm, feel his breathe tickle his neck, he had always just assumed that it had been wishful thinking. To some extent, it still was.

Underneath all of the emotions Thomas was feeling and trying to understand, he knew that some part of Jess felt guilty about what happened and that's how they ended up like this. That was always the problem. Regardless of what someone felt it was always laced with guilt at the life Thomas had, his current situation, anything.

He had seen it cross his father's face more than enough times to know what it was. Especially after his father would sober up and realize what he did, Thomas saw the guilt creep across his features.

In a way it was almost worse than having his father abuse him because it was an internal struggle rather than an external one. Maybe that's why he couldn't stop himself from cutting, because physical pain is easier than emotional pain, it's tangible, comprehendible. Emotional pain is like walking through a swamp in the dead of night, someone knows it's there but they cannot explain it and they cannot explain why they feel trapped all off the time.

Thomas's body groaned in protest as it started to talk recall of all of the injuries. Thomas hated when he cried but he couldn't help the single tear that slipped down his face. The only reason he let it was because he knew the day that he stopped crying was the day he stopped feeling, at least for now he knew that he was some semblance of human.

With everything that happened, Thomas felt his fear of God slowly slip away. He knew that it would take him years to fully accept himself but for once he believed God might actually love him. It was a wisp of a thought but it was there. It was just hard to believe that the feelings he had for Jess were wrong.

Jess stirred against Thomas's shoulder putting a pause to his thoughts. Part of him thought Jess would be mad at the position they ended up in but the better part of him knew that Jess would be confused maybe but not angry.

"Hey Thomas, how are you...ahh" Ash sputtered as he saw the two boys lying in bed together. "Shoot, I'm sorry, I should leave." He quickly added, making for the door.

"No please, stay?" Thomas murmured, "It's not what it looks like" As cliché as he may have sounded, there wasn't really a good way to say what needed to be said.

"I'm going to grab a coffee" Jess explained, more so to give the boys some space than actually for the shitty hospital coffee. "Hey" Ash whispered, the fear of what happened like a hammer to his chest. "Hey" Thomas whispered back, their eyes saying more than their words.

"How are... you... Is it okay that I ask that?" The nervous biting the last part more than Ash had intended. "Yeah, it's okay. I'm...okay?" Thomas struggled to find the words he was looking for. He was far from okay but he was better than he had been. He didn't know if any word would actually live up to what he needed it to be. Ash nodded in response, his words failing him for a second time that day.

"Ash, please don't treat me... any different, I don't know where we go after this but please." He knew it was a lot to ask but he didn't want Ash to be another one he could add to his repertoire of people that pitied him. He had spent most of his life being pitied for one thing or another and Ash was one of the few people who didn't do that, along with Jess.

"Yeah... yeah... of course." Ash replied a little morosely. "I just, why didn't you say anything?" Ash knew that it was an unfair question to ask but Ash had thought that he would have told him. He was just looking out for his friend, he told himself, but he knew it was selfish.

"Ash, please, I...I don't know... I didn't tell anyone... I didn't think I deserved the saving" Thomas's last words were mumbled so quietly that Ash barely made them out but he heard enough.

Graciously, Ash let the topic go, not before he made sure to tell Thomas how loved he was. It was a short conversation, which Thomas thanked God for, but he also knew that it wouldn't be the end of these conversations.

Ash left a little while after, seeing the other boy's eyes begin to droop and Thomas was alone, horribly alone. Physically he could be surrounded by people but still be alone. The door opened slowly before the raven-haired boy peered in.

Before Thomas's mind could stop, he thought of how cute it was that Jess asked permission before he came back in. Of course, if Jess asked anything of Thomas's the answer would always be the same.

The atmosphere was still a little hesitant between the two. Thomas because of what he had blurted out and Jess because he knew they had to talk about it but he couldn't bring himself to do it in a hospital. The rest of the day was filled with doctors, Jess's parents, Ariel, nurses, everyone that was in his life was there with one exception of course.

It's not like he thought his father would be there, it was rather he harbored some hope, even after everything that happened, that he would come in here begging for forgiveness. It was far-fetched but aren't all dreams.