Three Simple Words

Chapter 14

The sky turned red, orange and then coated their town in a simple light, one without reminders of the night but rather held promise for the future. Thomas finally got out of bed as the sun flooded his eyes, creating small black dot in his vision. It seemed the light couldn't even keep away the darkness from coming back in.

With the memories from last night flooding back to him, he crept to the bathroom, not wanting to wake up the others in the house but it didn't seem to make a difference.

"Want a cup of coffee?" Ariel asked from where she stood in her doorway. It was such a simple gesture but after what happened between them Thomas couldn't believe that she was talking to him.

"Sure" he sputtered in response; he had never been much of a coffee drinker but he felt like he hadn't slept in a million years after what had happened.

The two of them sat on the stools by the counter with the morning sun flooding in, covering them in a soft glow. Both were two nervous how to start the conversation, Ariel filled with pain and compassion while Thomas was filled with guilt and fear.

"I'm sorry" Thomas started as Ariel started the same sentence. "You have no reason to be sorry, I was the one who screwed up" Thomas reprimanded, the shock of her apology enough to loosen the tension between them. "I'm not sorry for what happened between us, I'm sorry for not noticing how much you were hurting. You know, I spent so long trying to convince myself that you loved me so I guess some part of me knew before you even told me. Now I feel stupid for trying to make it work for so long. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner, I guess I just thought that if you really were hurting, you would talk to me" Ariel finished, the tears starting to fill her eyes again.

Thomas looked at her in disbelief, "This is not your fault, and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Your right, I should have talked to you, I just thought that I could overcome this, I thought it was an obstacle I could get over, I'm so sorry" Thomas implored, the tears starting to form in his own eyes.

He had no idea how Ariel could be so strong throughout this. He deceived her for months and she was talking to him as if she had forgiven him. Thomas's words got lodged in the back of his throat. Before he had a chance to say anything, Ariel cut in.

"Look, I haven't forgiven you yet but I understand why you did what you did. When Jess came out, it was really hard for him to accept that we were okay with it. I cannot imagine what you're going through but uh, I don't want to hate you and I want to maybe be friends one day."

The conversation ended pretty quickly after that but Thomas felt some sort of relief come over him knowing that one less person hated him.

"I'm going to go for a walk before breakfast" he announced, walking up towards Jess's room. He didn't have anything to change into so what he was wearing was going to have to do.

He threw on his shoes still tiptoeing around as Jess lay asleep in the same room. As quickly as he came, he went out the door and as soon as he went around the corner, he let the act fall.

He kept acting as if he was strong enough to get over this but he wasn't. Deep down he knew that this was the end, that maybe not today, but someday he wouldn't be able to keep going. Someday that grief and shame was going to catch up with him and after that, he couldn't go back to, not to the place where he was safe, loved.

He kept walking, with no sense of where he was going. He knew the area well enough to be able to know where he's been but not well enough to know what lay in front of him.

Finally, he stumbled upon a quaint looking park, at the far corner was a playground but the majority of it was filled with trees and benches, a single path led in and out of the park. Finding a weeping willow in the other corner of the park, he led his back hit the tree as he fell to the ground.

Finally, the mask fell leaving behind a fragment of the boy that was there before. His mask kept cracking, his emotions creeping out in small doses like when he was in Jess's arms or when he was talking to Ariel but it was only a crack. He kept trying to build it back up after he lost it at the diner, but everything he did only seemed to prove how broken he was.

When he was completely out of view behind the tree, he cried. He cried for what he'd lost: the life he lost, the person he lost. He didn't know who he was anymore.

Everything that he thought he was is gone; there was nothing left but the pain. He didn't realize it at first but slowly his father had taken everything from him leaving behind a shell of the person who was.

When he had kicked him out, that feeling of safety was the last thing he had taken.

Before that, the years after his mother had died were when the lines between who he was and who his father wanted him to be started to blur. Now that his father was out of the picture, there was nothing of him left but a vague impression of the boy he was before.

The tears streaked down his face and the sobs wracked his body. It had only been a day and he couldn't even hold back his emotions for that long.

Maybe his father was right after all, maybe he was weak.

Maybe all of his trying wasn't worth it, maybe it would never be worth it.

The object in his pocket grew heavy as it lay against his skin, burning into his flesh.

Finally, he drew it out, the razor blade looking so harmless as it lay upon his palm. All it would take was a flick of the wrist and the pain could be gone. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it before, ending it all. The difference before was that had settled for cutting as a way to get rid of the pain but now what would stop him from drawing the blade across his skin.

It would be so simple; one line and he could be done. He wouldn't have to convince anybody that he was okay; he wouldn't have to fight this uphill battle anymore.

He almost jumped when he felt the buzzing in his pocket. As he pulled his phone out, he returned the blade back to his other pocket.

The caller ID showed Jess's face as phone continued to buzz. After a couple of rings, Thomas answered the phone, trying to steady his voice enough that Jess wouldn't notice the tears still streaming down his face.

"Hey, are you okay? I woke up and you weren't here" The other boy asked, fear coating his voice.

"Yeah, I just decided to take a walk" Thomas breathed, biting back the sob that sat in his throat. Jess didn't seem entirely convinced but he let it go with the promise that Thomas will come home soon.

It didn't escape Thomas's notice that he said home as if it was both of their homes.

This was enough; this was enough for him to keep the razor in his pocket, maybe not forever but for today and that was enough.