Three Simple Words

Chapter 20

Even though Thomas thought he was starting to figure out this fear he had, every time he did it would come flooding back with no warning. The pain would abate but then something would make him question everything he had come to accept.

There were times when he truly believed that God loved him and being gay was acceptable but there were also times when he felt so alone, even when he was surrounded by people. He tried to forget those feelings that plagued him and he tried to believe that he was loved but he could never fully accept that. The fear that he had always felt was the same fear that kept him away from God.

All he wanted to do was believe, believe in God, in Jess, but he couldn't. He would get so close but his father always reminded him that he didn't deserve that love. Even when he hadn't seen the man in two weeks, his presence was as if he was standing right next to Thomas. The boys were sitting where Thomas had had his panic attack.

"My butt is getting sore; you mind if we move to my bed?" The two, spread side to side, laying on their backs, their shoulders close enough to brush each other but not enough to distract them, even if the contact might have some of their self-control away.

"Jess?" Thomas muttered. The raven-haired boy turned towards the other boy, albeit reluctantly because he knew he couldn't hide the look on his face. But that didn't matter because when he faced Thomas, he saw the pain that the other tried too hard to hide.

It almost took away his words but he finally whispered back, "yeah?" Jess could see the internal struggle that was going on in the olive-skinned boy. It had been the same struggle that he saw on his face since he came to live with them and the same struggle, he missed all those months ago. It was the struggle between saying what he wanted to say and being strong in the face of it all.

"You don't have to hide with me." Jess mumbled. It felt kind of cliché to say but he didn't know how he could formulate everything he wanted to say into words. The silence that came from the other boy was scary enough but what came out of his mouth was enough to have Jess scared as well. Thomas shifted his body so he was on his side, his face inches from Jess's.

"I, umm, well, I want to go to my dad's house." Jess was left speechless; the ability to form words seemed to have left him. "I need some of my stuff and that idea of leaving it with him isn't something I want to do." Thomas quickly amended.

It wasn't so much that he wanted to change the subject but it did definitely help. He had been thinking about it for a little while but he couldn't bring himself to tell Jess. He really did want to tell Jess what was going on but he knew that as soon as he started, he wouldn't be able to stop himself and he couldn't take that chance. There was too much that he wasn't ready to share yet.

"Are you sure?" The other boy questioned, his eyes filling with concern. Thomas wasn't sure of anything but he knew he couldn't push this off forever. What scared him the most wasn't seeing his father; it was hearing him say all the nasty things he could muster in front of Jess. He knew it was probably stupid but Jess is the only good thing in his life and he can't jeopardize that.

"No, but I need something that I left there." He replied, Jess's eyes softening in response as the two were mere inches apart. The moment could almost be romanticized if it wasn't for the conversation that they just had.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Jess murmured, his confidence leaving for the second time that day. "Please" Thomas breathed, the sincerity filling the frightened eyes.

The amount of emotions that were held in those eyes was enough for years but to Thomas it had only been a matter of weeks. The scars on his wrists a constant reminder of why he kept that guilt locked inside because he wouldn't drag Jess down with him.

"Okay" Jess whispered, his hand reaching to grab Thomas's before he could think better of it. His piano fingers almost skimmed the blonde's hand before he realized what he was doing. Sleep quickly found both boys even though it was still early afternoon.

In truth, neither had slept much in the past two weeks. Thomas plagued with nightmares that he hid from Jess and Jess with worries of Thomas, but sleeping next to each other, nothing seemed to matter.

It was a picturesque moment, both boys tangled in the other. Jess with a protective arm wrapped around Thomas and Thomas buried into Jess's chest. The scent of each other filling the other's nose and pushing out the nightmares. In the place of them, was dreams. Dreams of emotions they would never admit to feeling. The previous conversation was forgotten, only the other seemed to matter.

When Mrs. Winther called for dinner, neither of them stirred, so content in each other's arms that the world was forgotten. "Jess?" She called but stopped when she saw them wrapped in each other on her son's bed. She knew she should wake them up but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

It was the most peaceful she had seen her son in a long time. In that moment, he seemed happy and that was what she dreamed for him. The last time she had seen him without a care in the world was when he was nine and she was teaching him to play the piano.

Ever since then, there was a constant darkness that watched over him, suffocating the happiness but Thomas seemed to keep the darkness at bay. She closed the door, leaving the boys to their quiet bliss, oblivious to the world around them. For once, neither boy was playing a role, they were simply, unashamedly themselves.