Three Simple Words

Chapter 17

The large oak door loomed in front of him. He was terrified of what lay on the other side of that door. He knew he hadn't actually fooled Jess enough to make him belief that he was okay but Jess didn't know how bad it was.

Thomas never had to hide like this before and he wasn't sure how long he could keep up the act. When he used to cut, his father didn't think twice about the scars covering his son's arms, or maybe he didn't even notice.

As for Ash and Thomas's other friends, he was always able to cover them with long sleeves and that's part of the reason he never went to a sleepover, then they would never have a chance to see what he was most ashamed of. Living with Jess was different though especially as the weather started to warm up.

It had been a miracle that he had kept it from Ariel when they had been dating but now it was only a matter of time. In New Mexico, there was only so long that you could wear long sleeves and Thomas didn't know what he was going to do when that time pasted.

He'd already burdened Jess so much as it was, he couldn't bear to tell, or rather show him this. Before he had a chance to figure out what to do, the large oak door swung open to reveal a tall boy with emerald green eyes, the kind that shine when the light hits them just the right way.

Jess practically tackled him when he wrapped him in a hug. "I was so worried" Jess paused when he felt Thomas flinch against him. Jess, selfishly, was hoping for it to be from his old wounds rather than him touching Thomas.

In truth, it was a little of both. Thomas wished that he his body wouldn't react like that and for the most part it didn't but when he wasn't able to prepare to be touched, he acted on impulse. The whimper answered Jess's question though.

"Thomas, what happened?" A line formed across his beautiful forehead, pulled taunt from his obvious worry. Thomas only shook his head, hoping that Jess wouldn't press the subject further but he knew the stubborn boy to well.

"Thomas, please tell me what happened" The pleading in Jess's voice all but sent Thomas over the edge.

The two were still were loosely embraced when Thomas started to feel his resistance leave him as well as his strength. He sagged into the other boy and his resistance finally shattered. Everything that had been holding him up was gone and all of that anger and fear finally started to show through. His knees gave out under him and, still in the arms of the other boy, sank down to the steps of the white porch.

The door gently closed behind them, leaving them alone in the evening light. The tears streamed down Thomas's face for the second time that day but this time he wasn't alone. He felt safe in the arms that surrounded him, and he buried his face into the strong chest before him. Jess didn't know how to respond but his body took over for him.

In that moment, all that mattered was Thomas and making him feel safe and warm. The air was brisk but neither of them seemed to care. The warmth between them was enough to carry them through any storm. The tears still fell from his eyes and the pain that he felt kept coming but now he felt like he was strong enough to live past it, something he hadn't felt since he was a boy.

Once his sobs started to become sniffle, he realized he was still desperately clinging onto the other boy, his head nestled firmly in the crook of Jess's neck. "I'm... I'm really sorry... I didn't mean" Thomas cut off, realizing he didn't know where he was going with that. The look in Jess's eyes was one that scared Thomas. It was one full of understanding and a flicker of something he didn't know?

"I'm scared" Thomas didn't even know he had uttered those words until he saw the look in the emerald eyes next to him. "Of what?" Jess breathed.

Of what? Of everything. Of losing you. Instead of saying that, Thomas laid his head back onto the shoulder of the young man next to him. This was the close he had ever been to believing what he was, was okay, that being gay wasn't something to hide from or maybe he was just playing devil's advocate.

"We should head inside; it's close to dinner time" Jess reluctantly spoke, breaking the comfortable silence that had formed between them. Dinner was as comfortable as could be expected.

Still, it was the closest Thomas had to a family dinner since his mother was alive and it was a welcome development. Jess's parents did their best to make it feel as normal as it could and Ariel was warming up to him again. Of course, there were still some forced smiles and retorts whispered under their breath but overall it was good and if Ariel ever made something too obvious her mom would reprimand her in Danish.

When they finished dinner, each went off to do their respective homework, leaving Thomas lagging behind Jess as they walked to his room. As it had been established, Jess always took the bed and Thomas had the desk.

Even in the mist of everything that had happened, Thomas still flew through his homework leaving him the rest of the night to do as he pleased, most of the time he would draw.

Behind his sketch pad, he felt invisible and fearless. When he had first started drawing, he would draw flowers, objects, simple things. Now he preferred to draw people. There were a few sketches of Ariel but most of them were of Jess: Jess doing homework, Jess laughing, Jess sleeping. He hadn't been too proud of the last one but he couldn't help but notice the way the light shone in his silky black hair.

When he drew, he felt normal. He didn't have to think about anything other than capturing the person he was trying to draw. And so, that is what he decided to do tonight. This time was different though because it wasn't just Jess in his drawing.

It was a drawing of Thomas being held by Jess on the porch only hours before. He drew it so that only his back was showing the back of him so that he could capture the expression on Jess's face. It was a quick sketch but everything about it was exactly as he felt when he was with Jess.

He never could bring himself to do self-portraits because he didn't want to have to capture the sadness in his own eyes. He didn't want to capture the longing for something better, some feeling of normal. His pencil graced the page, leaping over the white space and creating a memory of sorts. His mind was in his drawing but his heart was in that moment.

Why did he let his guard down? He knew deep down that nothing ever good could come of that and he couldn't bear to lose him. His pencil strokes became jagged and sharp towards the outside of the page. The center was soft with almost a sensuous feel but towards the outside, the drawing was darker, painful.

"I don't suppose you'll ever let me see your sketchbook?" Jess chuckled, drawing Thomas out of his haze. The blush must have been evident on Thomas's face but Jess didn't say anything. It wasn't that he didn't want to show him, it was more that he was afraid when he did Jess would be able to see through the façade that Thomas put up. Those drawings where the only thing between him and completely breaking and that was a side, he wasn't ready to show.

"Maybe" he replied, the skepticism clear in his voice but Jess said nothing. The drawing had been working on was already probably one of the best ones he had done. He always liked to draw but in this past year his drawings had matured immensely.

They took on an edge to them, one of pain and longing but also hope at times, mostly when he was with Jess. He didn't know what it was about the other boy that made him feel safe but when he was with Jess, life had a brighter outlook. And of course, he knew that life still sucked as it always had but for a moment, he could believe otherwise.

As the night grew darker, the boys' eyelids grew heavier and eventually they gave in to them. Thomas was still incredibly sore from the events of the day but he didn't say anything, only laid down pretending to let sleep overcome him. He soon heard Jess's breathing even out and he fell asleep next to the boy that he couldn't stop thinking about.