Christine didn't know how to feel, John had changed and was being so supportive and maybe that made her feel bad and caused her to be angry at herself "Come on Chris, I love you!" John said, desperate to help.
"I love you too!" She said back "I just hate this whole situation!" She shrugged "Everyone will grow to hate me over it all too!" She then added.
"No one will, no one was actually even together when Mick fucked you! You and I weren't together and him and Stevie were just drunkenly fucking, its only now we are all in stable relationships, so no one will be mad, just please Chris, for the baby and your own sake, stop hating yourself over it and stressing, that little baby in you needs rest and calmness, so why don't you just have a lay down honey!" John soothed, hoping she listened and stopped stressing.
She looked away from him still, feeling bad still too but she gently rested her hand on her stomach, trying to focus on the baby, it was innocent and she didn't want any harm to come to it, she already started developing feelings or protecting it so she nodded, feeling overwhelmed with tiredness too "Everything always looks better in the morning, I will lay down for a bit!" She smiled softly at him and John warmly smiled back, taking that as a big step forward for her and she continued up the stairs.
"I will just wash up and then be up there with you, alright darling!" He smiled, and she nodded, glancing back at him and then continuing to make her way up there.
The moment she was in their bedroom, she stripped off and put on her dressing gown, too tired to bother with anything else and she crawled into the bed after she pulled out the ultrasound picture and looked at it as she curled up to a pillow, tracing the jelly bean shaped baby with her fingers softly as she stared at the picture "I do love you, I am just sorry its all such a mess, I know I am a shitty person and a bit of a heavy drinker and drug user, but I am going to get full clean and sober, so please, just be alright!" She stammered, tears then streaming down her face as she lowered the picture and started rubbing her stomach, already feeling the very tiny bump.
She was so worried, the cramping, the baby was smaller than it should be, she wondered why she was even getting attached to it. She then worried about all the problems that could develop for the baby's health if she even was able to carry and birth it. Her and Mick were two people who drank daily to the point of being drunk and often passing out, they both used copious amounts of cocaine, no one just saw all the lines she did because she was more private also knew how to act less high and bonkers than the others, she also smoked cigarettes and joints whenever possible, as did Mick and she didn't even know what drug they had both consumed on the night of the baby's conception.
It all looked so awful, so bleak "I'm sorry your parents are such fuckheads!" She whispered, rubbing her stomach still as she was now at the point of being hysterical "I do want you though, even if no one else does, even if I get kicked out the band and my marriage, I will never abandon you, I can raise you back in England!" She stammered, trying to make a plan in case John left her and Mick and Stevie hated her.
She was sure she felt a tiny flutter in her stomach, she knew she was probably too early for the baby to even move but it made her smile anyway, she felt like the baby heard her and she knew she had to try to do everything in her power to be healthy now for it, so she knew she did everything possible, it was her baby and she hoped in time everyone could forgive her, she hoped maybe even that no one would find out for a long time.
She was too exhausted to try and stay awake any longer and closed her eyes, her hand gently against her stomach and the other holding the ultrasound picture.
