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14 | you're not here

Silence covered the office as Naomi waited for Alexandria to answer her question. Where as therapy was going good with uncovering childhood trauma that she had stored away and later on developed into her addiction it was hard for her to express any information or feelings about the passing of her sister. It seemed whenever the topic was brought up, which was frequently she would find a way to convert the discussion to something else or simply stop talking. The idea that she could cure her trauma without addressing the elephant in the room was not possible. Alejandra's death was the root of all her issues and no mattered how hard she tried to divert from that it would always be an issue needed to be discussed.

"I don't feel like talking."

"It is necessary that we speak about this. In order for us to fully examine and transition into the development of your better self we have to hit it on the head and address the root of all of your problem."

"My sister is not the root of my problems."

"I beg to disagree. Pardon me," Naomi removed her eyeglasses from her face. Resting them on the desk she flipped through the journal filled with reports on her sessions with Alexandria. "The whole reason you started modelling was because of your sister. Modelling lead to to meeting Michelle and the start of your addiction. Look, this is in no way or form a method to try and disrespect your sister. From the moment you were a child your entire life revolved around Alejandra and that was because she was the only one who genuinely loved and cared about your well being. However when she died a piece of you died with her and because of that you've spent your entire life molding yourself into her. You were offered a full-ride scholarship to the Fashion Institute and Technology for Fashion Designing. A scholarship you turned down to fulfill her dreams. These are things we need to talk about, the longer you chose to the ignore it the deeper you sink away from facing reality."

"I want to talk about her," Alexandria chewed at her lip. Sighing, "It's hard... I don't like talking about her because in a way staying in denial sorta makes it feel like she's still here with me."

"Even though you've made tremendous progress over the past couple of months the only way for you to finally heal is by ripping the band aid off and talking about it. This is a safe space. Whatever you chose to share will never be repeated or judge but listened to with an open mind and heart so that I can guide you on the right path. Do you understand that?"

Nodding at her, Alexandria bit the inside of her cheek as her eyes filled up. "I hate November. Ever since she died I can't stand the thought of it and the holidays celebrated in this month. Thanksgiving is supposed be a time of family. A time of love and peace, how ironic was it that God took her from me on the day of thanksgiving? The worst thing about all of this is the guilt I feel every time it approaches this date or it passes. Not once since she's died have I visited her grave. I-I just.... I can't do it. I send flowers and I make sure the area is nicely kept but I can't face her. I can't see her like that."

"Why can't you see her like that?"

"Because it will finally hit me. She's dead," She sniffed. "The idea of death that I've created in my head to keep myself sane is that she's not with me physically but she's not dead. I don't know if it makes sense but it's how I've learnt to cope. Seeing the headstone would just make things worst and I'm scared that if I actually see that she's gone I'll slip back into my old way or back then..... overdose so I could join her. I know, I know."

"In our first session you stated that the drugs was the reason you tried to commit suicide that night however based off your statement here it's safe to say you've always had suicidal thoughts?"

"It was only whenever I think about going to see her. I didn't think that much of it or that I'm depressed."

"That's interesting because you show all the signs of someone who's depressed. We've conducted tests which stated you suffer clinically from depression yet still it's hard for you fully comprehend that. Why?"