You're Word Against Ours

30

Lucas Miller~~

I hit send and fall back onto my bed. Am I going about this all wrong? I love her so much. I don't know why I did what I did. But now that I'm paying for it, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself how stupid I'm being.

Every single thing I did to hurt her makes me want to die. It's been about a month since it happened and the entire time I've been so drained. I try my best to act okay with everything but I just want to die. I let the love of my life slip out of my hands.

Maybe it's for the best though, I hurt her more times than I can count. And not only by cheating on her. I can't even think about the things I did without wanting to throw up. Am I really this fucked up? I have to be.

Brandon and I used to get into the worst fights about things. I could never control myself and I'd hurt him. Once I got older he would always tell me how fucked up I am. It hurt to hear that from him, I hated being on medication. So my freshman year I stopped taking it and went to different drugs. That's the first time I ever bought, my freshman year. Sometimes I would trade my meds for the harder shit. I didn't tell anyone until I met Vanessa.

The first time I saw her I think I fell in love. Her smile is what got me. Her perfect teeth and perfect smile. It was the most beautiful thing ever. Her hair would swing side to side when she walked. I remember the first time I talked to her. I was so scared I almost pissed myself. She was hanging out with her friends, Carissa and Emily, and my friend Alex dared me to go get her number. I was like I got this, I'm a cool dude.

I walked up to her and I asked if I could get her number. Problem being, I had the worst stutter ever. She still gave me the biggest smile and gave me her number. Shocked can't even describe the way I felt. She was the girl everyone wanted, she was the rich girl with the prettiest face. The more I got to know her the more I fell for her, I fell in love with everything about her. That's when my reputation started. That's when our reputation begun. 

When I told her about taking drugs she got so upset over it and told me I had to stop. I promised her I would and I did because I loved her and feared losing her. For about two months. But like Brandon used to say: I'm fucked up. I lied to her for three years about taking them. It was the first time I lied to her. The first time I hurt her and she doesn't even know about it. 

My stomach turns and I quickly run to the bathroom. After hurling my guts out I fall back against the wall. I can't fucking do this. I've tried this whole month to stay away from drugs. Just for Vanessa, I felt I owed her that. But I can't do this anymore. I need them. I stand up and go back into my room.

I open the drawer they've been sitting in. I slip one pill out of the little bag and toss it to the back of throat, swallowing it dry.

I slip two more out of the bag and toss them back as well. I just want to die. She's gone. She's never going to love me. No one could ever love me. I'm a fucking monster.