You're Word Against Ours

36

Andrea Chesterton~~

We drive in complete silence. Not one word from any of us. No music was playing, you would think we were all dead if you didn't actually know what was going on. It's stupid how much shit we have been through together and how close we have gotten and yet here we are. It's bullshit. 

I guess I haven't been that open or honest with them either but that's just how I am. I'm a quiet person and I keep to myself, and I think it's better that way. What am I supposed to tell them? That my parents left us because they couldn't handle life anymore? That they decided to have eight kids and then just leave because drugs were more important? There's no way to explain it other than that. They didn't want to take care of the children they brought into this world so they left. Then they died three years later and I didn't care one bit. I blamed myself for years, that I was the reason they didn't want to be around anymore. I'm the reason they started doing drugs and got themselves killed. I still feel no sorrow about any of it, they made me feel this way. I blame them for making me feel this way. They always told me girls are too much work, and how they wish I'd be more like my brothers. I was seven and they were comparing me to my older brothers, I hated them so much for that. I hated them even more for leaving, but I don't even care now. 

I am ever so greatly thankful for my brother's though. They've taken care of me and have tried protecting me from the cruelty in the world. Elliot and Isiah more than the rest of them. William, my oldest brother, was only nineteen at the time and he had to take on the responsibility of all of us. I feel bad that he was put through so much hell for us. Just to make sure we had the best childhood we possibly could. Now that were all older they've all moved away and have families and their own lives. We meet up about once or twice every few months because we don't want to loose each other forever but I don't even know if you could call us a family. We spend holidays without each other and we hardly ever talk. I didn't even know Easton, one of my brothers, was married until a year later. It sucks that we aren't that close but I can't blame them. I mean I'd want to be away from me too. I'd want to live a better life too.  

The only reason I live with Elliot and Isiah is because they don't have families, and they are the youngest of all seven of them. They've always been there for me. Isiah helped me the most when I was really depressed, he has talked me out of so many suicide attempts and has brought me up whenever I felt like it was the end. I love him so much and I will never love anyone like I love him. He's the main reason I'm alive. Elliot took care of me a lot more when I was younger and our parents left, he would tell me everyday that it wasn't my fault and that everything will be okay. And when we found out they were dead he helped me get over it. He would stay up with me all night, even if he had school the next the day, and just hold me as I cried. Until eventually I just didn't care anymore. 

I wish I could tell people about everything. That I could just spill out all the shit I have been through but I can't. I'm afraid they'll think I'm so fucked up and leave, just like my parents. That they'll think I'm not good enough or fucked up and that they don't want to be around me. I grew up with seven brothers, and I never really knew how to talk to them. I had to learn though. I didn't have a mother to help me with my first period or help me pick out bras. I had to go to my older brother's for help, and it was embarrassing and made me hate my parents even more. I just learned to eventually push everything off and tell myself to get over it. I believed everything would be okay if I just ignored it. Which is definitely not the case. 

The older I got the worse things got. I began to realize I can't depend on my brothers forever and that I need to get my own money and do my own things. I needed to care for myself and know how to defend myself because I couldn't just call one of them every time something bad happened. We didn't grow up in a nice neighborhood. I mean we were basically eight broke people trying to live without parents. I looked to the streets pretty fast and before I knew it, that was my life. The streets. I met bad people, really bad people. They taught me how to defend myself and ways to make money. I grew a name for myself at school, selling drugs and hanging out with gangs. People knew not to mess with me and they knew that it wouldn't end well if they did. I'm thankful that I met these people though because they have taught me so much. All about life and the different people I'll meet and have to deal with. I would fight people and scare the living shit out of them, as if I was going to kill them. I never would though. None of the gang members would let me either. They almost became family to me. Then Elliot, Isiah, and I moved to a nicer part of town and I wasn't as involved with them. I still talk to them once in a while and I deal for them still but I don't know if you could call us all family like we used to be.