I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love (But I Did)

Frank Didn't Do It

Is it a walk of shame if you're a boy, and it wasn't a one-night stand? Is it a walk of shame if you didn't even have sex? Is it a walk of shame if you ran away before the other person even woke up?

Frank wonders through all the things it could be, and settles that he doesn't know the answer. He's got the right posture for it to be a walk of shame, the same guilty feeling in his gut, and the same feeling of disgust.

He thought he could do it. Frank honestly thought that he could just do it. It's a mindless thing, he thought he'd be able to do it.

He couldn't.

Frank had thought that having sex with Aaron would help him get over Gerard, but it's not going to help any if he can't even go through with it. He tried, honestly he tried. It's not like Frank necessarily wanted to have sex because he wanted to, he wanted to have sex because he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't in love with Gerard.

He got so far as Aaron's bedroom until he just collapsed and realized what he was doing. He felt like a whore. He felt like scum. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do the follow through. Frank's mind is stuck on how close he was. He was though. He was so close, but he didn't do it.

It's like when you have to take really gross medicine and you hesitate before you do it. Then you look back on it a minute later, and you sigh because it's over and done with. Frank didn't do it though. He couldn't. He was so close, he'd practically done it, but at the last moment he pulled away. He regrets pulling away. Mostly he regrets that he didn't even find out if he could get rid of those feelings for Gerard. He didn't even take the risk to see if it would have helped.

He would have regretted that so much more though, and looking back on it, he knows that. He knows that he would have felt infinitely worse had he gone through with sleeping with Aaron, but that doesn't ease the feeling in his gut now. Frank would have felt worse, true, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he feels awful now.

What would Gerard think of him if he knew that Frank chickened out? He's too nice to laugh at him, but he'd probably still find it funny. If Gerard knew that Frank couldn't sleep with someone because that someone wasn't Gerard, he'd probably hate Frank and laugh at him. Frank is his best friend, but that's what makes it so wrong. It's so wrong to be in love with someone who can't love you back, because they don't see you.

Frank's a ghost, and Gerard is a nonbeliever. He'll never look twice at Frank, because he doesn't think there can be anything there. Frank's lost in this hell of watching Gerard go through his life without noticing, and Gerard's unaware of the way he hurts Frank. Gerard has no idea that Frank's cried himself to sleep over the thought that he can't have him. Gerard has no idea that Frank's planned out their wedding ceremony to the tiniest detail, millions of times. Gerard has no idea that Frank sometimes steals his sweatshirts just to smell Gerard on them.

Of course Aaron had to be perfect about all of it. He had to be understanding, and sweet, and make Frank feel even worse about the fact that he's not in love with him. He wants to be. Frank really does, more than anything. He wants to be in love with Aaron. He wants to love the sweet guy who can give him everything he ever wants. Plus it doesn't hurt that he's attractive and rich. He's nice though. He's good. Frank wants to love him.

Some stupid part of him wants Aaron a lot. So much it hurts. But more of him wants Gerard.

That's the hardest thing about it. He's splitting himself too much. He does like Aaron. He likes the guy a lot, but even that feeling can't compare to Gerard. It's kind of like Benedict Cumberbatch as Khan in the Star Trek movie. He was good and all, but he wasn't Ricardo Montalban. Gerard's the original, and Frank likes him better. He's actually in love with Gerard, Aaron is nothing more than a sweet guy who likes Frank.